Calendar Girl (January) Chapter 5: Wes Has a Way With Words

channing tatum says ew

Calendar Girl (January) Chapter 5:

We kick off with Wes saying sexy stuff:

“I’m going to be so deep inside you, you’ll feel me in your throat,” he promised.

That sounds anatomically incorrect and very painful. Also super threatening! There’s been some talk about how creepy Wes is, and I think this is some pretty hard evidence to support this feeling.

He’s also not particularly creative:

“Fuck,” slipped from my lips as he carried me toward my room.

“Exactly.” He bit down on my neck, trailing his teeth along the slender column.

Also possibly demonic:

“Take off your dress,” he demanded. His eyes were black, filled to the brim with lust.

I really hope we’re not supposed to see him as a viable love interest. I mean, think of the rules!

Mia is so turned on she can’t remember what tense the book is supposed to be written in:

“Your turn. Lose the suit,” I said while trailing my hands down to cup each breast. His jaw clenched as he made quick work of dropping the jacket and tie, and opening the dress shirt to reveal that sun-kissed chest I love so much.

While exchanging witty banter, Mia tells Wes how hot she thinks he is, and he’s like, “Prove it.” Mia gets extremely excited because last night she said ‘prove it!’ This can only mean one thing. That Wes is paying close attention to their interactions! Dear god, that is a low low bar. There is every chance that Wes was just using an incredibly common phrase, but Mia is like, ‘Nope. This guy is attentive as fuck.’

There are more revolting descriptions of sex/vaginas:

Just as I opened my eyes, his hands were on my knees. He opened me wide, saw my aching moist sex and groaned. He trailed one finger through the wetness. A whimper slipped past my lips when he twirled one finger against the tight, aching knot of nerves.

I put all the things I hated in bold, so you now see what I see, and I don’t have to say a word more about it.

channing tatum says ew

To make up for it, we are graced with possibly one of the favorite lines in all the sex scenes we’ve read on this blog:

He gripped my hips and set up a punishing rhythm. I could hear the sounds of our flesh smacking against one another. “Need that squeeze on my dick,” Wes growled as he leaned over my body and reached a hand between my legs.

Need that squeeze on my dick. That is pure poetry. I don’t think I have howled with laughter like this in quite some time. Can I use this phrase in my every day life somehow? Can it be a metaphor for something? The same desire be applied to other activities? Like when I see Pringles and I am desperate to eat them, I can just say, “Mmm, yes! Need that squeeze on my dick!” Where dick obviously means my stomach.

Afterwards, they cuddle and give each other perfunctory information about their lives. Luckily, when Mia reveals she wants to be an actress, Wes is not immediately like, “Be in my movies!”

He also uses the phrase, “You make my dick harder than a surfboard.” To be fair, Mia and Wes share a good laugh about this, but wow. Just wow. This guy may be creepy, but he is a master wordsmith when it comes to dick related phrases.

The next day, they go to family brunch. Things get hella awkward fast when Mia meets Wes’ sister.

“So Mia, what is it that you do?” Jeananna asked me. “Did you two meet on the job?”

I looked over at Wes and could see he was at a loss for words. “You could say that,” I hedged shoveling in a bite of quiche.

Without preamble, Claire Channing butted in. “Oh please. Of course you met on the job. Mia’s an escort. I picked her out myself. Don’t I have the best taste, Wes?” Claire’s tone was nonchalant, unbothered by the fact that in normal circumstances, it was unusual to pick out an escort for your son. Definitely high on the bizarre-meter. .

Jeananna’s eyes widened in shock. “You’re a call girl?”

Both Wes and I spoke at the same time. “What did you say?” I said as Wes scolded, “No she’s not!”

Am I missing something here? If anyone was worried about the connotations of the word ‘escort’, why didn’t Wes’ mother make it clear right away that Mia is hired to scare away women so Wes can network…and for some reason also has to live in his house…

I blanched. That quiche suddenly felt heavy in my gut. “So you’re not sleeping with my brother?” she asked not a hint of malice to her tone. She could’ve been asking about the weather.

“Um…” I started to respond.

“That’s none of your business.” Wes stood and threw his napkin on the table. Redness colored his cheeks and neck. “I will not have you insinuate such hateful things about Mia.”

Jeananna stood up and ran around the table. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It wasn’t intentional! I just heard the word escort and you know, came to the wrong conclusion. I didn’t mean anything by it.” She worried her lip.

Claire stood up, “Now, now, Jeananna didn’t mean any harm. It was a simple mistake,” she placated but Wes wasn’t having it.

“Not simple,” he grated. “Mia is my friend, and she may have been hired to help me get through a month’s worth of tedious lunches, dinners, and events, but she’s not a lady of the night.” His eyes snapped to mine. “Sorry, sweetheart,” his eyes shone bright with remorse. I knew then I had to make it right.

I took a deep breath in. “Look, it was a simple mistake. I thought the same thing when my Aunt Millie broached the subject. But I decided to give it a shot, and I’m glad I did. Meeting Wes, and now you all has been quite the highlight of the experience for me.” Claire’s eyes warmed and she took her seat, as did Jeananna after she hugged her brother. “Besides, have you seen the shoes I scored?” Right then I turned in my seat and put my leg out to the sky like my dance teacher taught me to do back in high school. “Hot as hell!”

Everything about this is so weird and off-putting! Why would Jeananna have such a hard name to type and go further down this escort rabbit hole and start demanding to know if Mia is sleeping with Wes. And why is everyone acting like it’s mortifying that Jeananna did come to that conclusion given it was heavily implied here? WHY IS SHE LIVING AT HIS HOUSE IF SHE WAS JUST HIRED TO ATTEND EVENTS? And the term ‘escort’ is commonly used in this case, so I don’t know why everyone is like aghast at the assumption.

Mia distracts from the awkwardness by saying how she’s scored great shoes by doing this job, and all the men at the table stare admiringly at her legs, and Wes’ dad is like, “Well done, son.” What. The. Fuck.

Ultimately, Mia has a great time with this horrible family, and it makes her feel sad that she doesn’t have a family like this for some reason.

Mia opens up to Wes about her shitty family, and he is moved. She agrees to one day tell him the whole story. You guys, I’m worried that feelings might be getting involved here…



  1. Jennifer Layton Reply

    (blinking at the screen)

    There is too much to unpack here.

    So Mia and Wes are insulted at the implication that they are sleeping together, but they ARE sleeping together. So why the self-righteous indignation, Zoey? I mean, Mia?

    Also, if someone ever looks at me, and his eyes, which were green in a previous chapter, turn black, I am dumping a bucket of holy water and a crucifix on his head and running for my life.

    Finally, please make a coffee mug with the phrase “need that squeeze on my dick.” We need to make that a thing. We need to coin and mint that phrase.

  2. wordswithhannah Reply

    “OMG I’m not a prostitute, how dare you! Now, let me stick my bare leg in the air and show off the shoes that my sugar daddy here bought me!”

    I give up.

  3. justaddgigi Reply

    LOL! That sex scene was horrible. Seriously, his dirty talk wasn’t sexy at all, it was just awkward and funny as hell! How could anyone get turned on by this crap?

    I think the biggest thing that pissed me off about this chapter was how Mia was quick to degrade prostitution when she is in fact having sex with Wes for money. Yeah, the sex wasn’t part of the original arrangement, but they had sex, and he’s still paying her money. So yeah, this is some hypocritical bullcrap on Mia’s part. Also, am the only picking up some abusive vibes between Wesley and his sister? Seriously, his sister was deathly afraid of making him angry.


Leave a Reply