Calendar Girl (April): Chapter 4
Last chapter ended with drunk Mia encouraging drunk Rachel to make a move on Mason and also drunkenly giving her a sexy and/or trashy makeover in order to do so.
Remember that old saying, “The road to Hell was paved in good intentions?” Man, whoever said that shit was spot on.
Now, this would sound like this chapter is going to be about how Mia’s interference specifically ruined Rachel’s relationship with Mason, but whoever wrote that shit was not spot on.
Mia and Rachel go back into the party and discover that things have escalated.
Smoke billowed, and not just the kind you get from the cigarette store. No, the kind you get from a guy named “Bud” who says he can take you to an alternate reality just by one toke.
I’m like 95% certain that Audrey Carlan has never bought weed.
Okay, wait, there’s so much to go over in this chapter but I can’t get over this hypothetical drug dealer who sells bud and is also nicknamed bud.
Mia and Rachel make it to Mason’s suite, where we find out that the road to Hell paved with good intentions that Mia was talking about is… Mason having a threesome. He never ever sees Rachel, who runs out of the room sobbing. Kind of sounds like… Mason’s fault? And not relevant to Mia’s good intentions? And that she definitely dodged a bullet since her idea of encouraging Rachel to make a move on Mason was less “but he does like you!” and a little more “hey, remember the ending of Grease?”
And that’s not even the most bonkers part.
There were two of the scantily dressed groupies there with him. I watched in shock, horrified and turned way the fuck on
Nor is it that.
I watched Mason getting his cock sucked by a brunette who I, in my drink-filled brain, thought had some seriously great dick-sucking technique. She was able to easily take him right down her throat, and that was a skill.
Nor is it… actually, nah, for my money it’s one of those other two ones, but this is way up there too:
there was a curvy blonde who was facing the back wall, her legs caging Mason’s head […] Mason’s tongue was visibly pushing in and out of her pussy. He was eating her like a pro, gorging on her flesh as she rocked into him like she was riding a stallion.
Again, Mia’s turned way the fuck on.
It was the most erotic thing I’d ever seen. So while I wanted to sit back and watch the show, maybe rub one out for good measure, I finally heard a sob through the symphony of moans.
Also, Rachel runs out of the room sobbing once the blonde screams, “I’m coming”. And to think we were worried this book wouldn’t have a hilarious sex scene once Mia told Mason she wasn’t going to fuck him. CRISIS AVERTED.
Except for Mia, whom Mason eventually notices.
“Mia, sweetness. This here is uh…” He looked left and then looked right. “Tasty Pussy and Super Sucker.” He laughed, and the girls smiled.
God damn, you guys, is this book a clusterfuck. I get that everybody’s drunk, but those are the best nicknames he can think of? “Super Sucker” is goofy as shit, but at least it kind of sounds like he tried with that one. “Tasty Pussy”? Jesus, that one has nothing going for it. No alliteration, doesn’t rhyme, not even really a complement/assessment of her skills. And the girls are both pleased. What is going on here?
“Seriously! And I fucking brought you a present,” I snarled, put a hand to my hip
Jesus, even Mia is objectifying the woman she genuinely thinks is right for Mason. I mean, yeah, everyone in this scene is shitfaced, but the author isn’t (maybe). They get to say ridiculous shit right now, but it should still feel worth reading. What we’re getting from this is that Mason is a moron (which we already knew) and that Mia is a little grosser than we’re probably supposed to find her.
Of course, Mason misunderstands what Mia meant by that and assumes she wants him. She quickly corrects him.
“You douche! Stop thinking with your fucking dick!”
At that moment, said dick was hard and ready for round two.
Somehow that has characterized Mason more than anything else has in the three chapters since we met him.
Mia observes that “it was a really nice-looking cock” but then one of the women starts stroking it and she remembers her mission.
I shook my head. “I brought Rachel in here. She was going to tell you that she liked you, liked you! Then she saw you fucking these sluts and ran off.”
That did it. He flung the brunette hobag off and then pushed off the bed, removing himself from hobag two. “Rachel was here.” He pointed to the floor. “In here?”
Don’t worry. Mia says “hobag” one more time before the women leave the room. Just in case you thought the 12-novella story about a woman becoming an escort in order to find herself was gonna be, like, sex positive or something.
Mason wants to go talk to Rachel, but Mia quickly talks him out of it. She reminds him that technically he doesn’t “owe her anything”, and Mason even lets her off the hook, acknowledging that she was just trying to help. Somehow the most mature conversation these two have had is taking place while they’re drunk and after she walked in on his threesome. Calendar Girl, ladies and gentleman.
“She was crying? Honestly, Mia, I knew she might be sweet on me, but it’s never been like that between us. She’s always been untouchable. Perfect, professional, pretty, the whole package. A girl like her would never be with a guy like me.”
Aaaand just like that, Calendar Girl #4 became another generic story about an asshole dude who has to be “saved” vis a vis winning the girl. It’s not just a real simple metric, it’s a boring cliche! I mean, think about it. Do you have any doubt in your mind that Mason and Rachel are going to end up together? Do you even remotely care about what he does along the way to get there? Fucking of course not! Self-growth is pointless in these books if people don’t end up in relationships.
Mia tells Mason to “Live like the man you want to be. She’ll come around. […] I’ll work on Rachel. You work on you.” Which sounds just frustratingly not enough like the love-yourself advice Mia herself got in book 2 to make us wonder why we even needed to read that book if it’s seriously never going to come up again.
News about the party doesn’t get out and Mason lands one of the spokesperson gigs and starts getting some offers. Gee, the stakes in this book about this character we’re never going to run into again after it feel soooo high.
The rest of the chapter is Mia meeting Mason’s family. I have no idea why Mia’s job responsibilities as an escort constantly involve meeting the family even when the family isn’t who she’s supposed to convince that she’s a real girlfriend. But here we are at another meet-the-family scene for some reason.
If you’ve read a Jamie McGuire novel, you already know Mason’s family.
“Shaun, don’t call chicks sweetness. They don’t like it.”
“Sure they do. I had my tongue in this sweet chick today.”
All the way from the “who even talks like that” womanizers to the mother lost to cancer!
You could tell by the pictures on the wall that a woman had once lived here, but by the layer of dust on them and the lack of girlie adornments, it had been a while.
Oh, when will that dreaded disease cancer stop robbing our entirely male families of their girlie adornments?
“Hey, Dad. This is Mia. She’s my, uh…”
The man smiled wide and laid out a hand. “You’re the woman everyone says is my son’s girlfriend.”
I wasn’t sure how Mason wanted to play this
WHY WOULDN’T THAT BE THE ONE THING YOU WOULD TALK ABOUT BEFORE DOING THIS?
Mia ends up playing with Ellie, Mason’s niece, for a little while. Ellie’s room full of toys prompts Mia to reflect on her own sad childhood. Because the best way to explain character motivation like “I will become a sex worker for a year because I must save my dad from his gambling debts!” is to slowly reveal tiny bits of information over the course of twelve books about what a shitty childhood she had.
I realize that that last part sounds kinda like I’m saying “Mia didn’t have a room full of toys as a kid? Why, she must have had a real piece of shit dad!” Which is more than a little classist. But, uhhhhh, that’s actually kind of what the book is saying?
[Ellie] showed me every single one of her toys, and then her room, where she had everything princess and was very proud of it. I scanned the room. I’d never had anything like this as a child. A room devoted to the things I loved as a kid. Maddy and I had always shared a room, and neither one of us had a theme or anything much we could call our own. Made me sad for what I’d missed out on and happy that [Ellie’s family was] doing right by her.
Calendar Girl is fucked up, you guys.
They have dinner. Absolutely nothing happens. These characters are boring as fuck.
After dinner, Mia sees more family photos on the walls, and Mason opens up about his mother. He tells her that she died of breast cancer when she was only 35.
“We should do something for your mom.”
Mason’s eyebrows narrowed. “What do you mean?”
As I thought more about it, the idea swirled within my mind and took flight. It would be perfect. “I mean about breast cancer. Get involved in the cause. You’re a big professional ball player. We should do a fundraiser or something— donate it to the local breast-cancer-awareness group in Boston.”
Mason loves the idea and immediately wants to get started.
“I love it! You’re a frickin’ genius!” He picked me up and twirled me around. “So what do you think we do first?”
Casual reminder that this doesn’t fucking matter because the story’s already telegraphed that the thing that will make him a “good person” is when he gets together with Rachel.