Calendar Girl (April) Chapter 7: Guess Which Beloved Character is Guest Starring This Week

We’re thisclose to reaching our goal for Bad TV, Good Times on Patreon. We’re planning to start with something from the Bachelor family, but who knows what other shows we could cover in the future…Riverdale???? Please consider subscribing if you like what we do here.

Calendar Girl (April) Chapter 7:

Three weeks in and I was already bemoaning the fact that soon I was going to be leaving Mason and the easy life. Sure, I’d be sent to another rich guy who needed me for something else and the amenities would be great, but they wouldn’t be something I could wrap my arms around.

I have honest to god no idea what that last part means. She has to be using this as a ‘get my arms around/wrap my head around’ phrase, right? Mia must be anticipating a very complex jacuzzi.

Living with Mason, once we got past all his douche bag ways was really easy. He was funny, smart, and loved living life. I felt young for the first time in a long time. There was nothing for me to do except be me. Mason liked me for me. As a matter of fact, we got along like friends who had a long history, even though it had only been three weeks. We clicked.

I’m sorry, this whole time I’ve been recapping the wrong book! I missed all these good times where Mia is just being herself and totally refreshed by this as opposed to all the guys she was with before who also seemed to like her for just being herself.

Mia asks Mason if they’re going to stage a public breakup and whether things are getting serious between him and Rachel.

He tipped his chin and nudged me with his arm. “It’s serious. I can’t imagine any other man putting his hands on her.” He shivered and groaned. “Makes me crazy just thinking about it. I figure, if thinking about her with another man makes me want to punch my fist through a wall, it’s gotta mean something. Right?”

It could also mean you have a fragile ego. Notice how Mason’s reasoning has nothing to do with Rachel as a person but as a possession.

Mason says that he’ll talk to Rachel about everything while they’re all in Seattle for a game tomorrow. Wait a minute, don’t we know someone in Seattle. No, not Christian/Ana/Beau/Bella/Edward/Edith.

I licked my lips and the possibility of burning off some of the loneliness I’d felt this past week sparked in my mind like flicking on a light switch. “Hey, I uh have a friend in Seattle. While you and Rachel are you know, doing your thing, would it be okay if I had a friend over?”

Aragh! I thought we had left Alec behind in February.

“What kind of friend,” he hedged with a hint of mirth to his tone. “A male friend.”

“Does it matter?” I shot back throwing some serious attitude. It wasn’t really any of his business and I didn’t plan on sharing.

Mia, you have done nothing but meddle in people’s love lives for two books, so be cool.

Once in Seattle, Mia texts Alec to see if he’s free. Maybe he’s not as terrible as I remember.

Ma Jolie, I will meet you anywhere, any place. Am I to assume this is what you American’s say a booty call.

[…]

Wear very little. I want to see ta peau parfaite the moment you open the door.

Oh. I stand corrected.

exasparated-sigh-eye-roll-reaction-gif

Perfect skin. He wants to see my perfect skin.

Or he wants to wear it? I’m not ruling anything out right now.

Tonight, I would see my Frenchman. I could not wait!

***

I opened the door and there he was. Alec Dubois, my Frenchie.

You mean to tell me this whole time Alec was French? I can’t believe no one in the press leaked this big reveal before the book was released.

Alec can immediately tell Mia has been sad lately (but can he also tell that she’s also having the time of her life? It feels important that both these things are happening.)

I shook my head, not wanting to get into it. “Later. For now, are you hungry, can I get you anything?”

[…]

“I have only the hunger to taste your sweet sex, ma jolie.” And there was my filthy Frenchman.

I feel like we are genuinely building to a scene where he wants to wear her skin and eat her flesh. It has to be intentionally creepy! I have imagined this line in every accent imaginable, and it’s not sexy in any of them.

“Undress for me,” Alec said then stood. “I want to watch you expose your light.”

Introducing, flashlight boobs! Available in your local Walmart now.

Anyway, Alec tells Mia (in French of course) that she’s gotten more beautiful, but Mia is like, “Only you think so. Womp.” Mia finding herself attractive has never seemed like an issue before. Loving herself? Sure. But she’s consistently come across as very confident about her looks, so suddenly having Alec return and tell her he’s going to remind her how beautiful she is seems like the wrong issue to be focussing on. If the food inspector finds a health violation at a restaurant, he doesn’t come back with a suggestion about the ambience.

Mia gives Alec a blowjob, and then he kind of refocuses on the whole theme of his book:

“Oh, ma jolie, I’m going to show you again how to love yourself, and others, by loving you this night. That, my beautiful Mia, was a prefect start.”

Yeah, of course he would say this is the perfect start. Smooth moves, Alec.

Calendar Girl isn’t even interested in going into all the detail about how exactly Alec is going to make Mia love herself again, and it skips ahead to a post-coital discussion that reads more like a comedic sketch based on dumb misunderstandings.

Alec rubbed his jaw along the crown of my head. “Why are you so alone when you are paid to be with someone?” he asked. The tone was inquisitive not accusatory.

Snuggling in, I licked his nipple then kissed it sweetly. “I don’t sleep with all my clients, Alec.”

His arms tightened around me. “Vraiment?” Really? He asked.

That brought out a chuckle. “Really,” I answered.

“I do not understand this. Why, if they are paying you to be with them, are you not with them in the most beautiful way possible?”

Again I giggled into his warm skin. Of course, he would lack understanding. “You know I didn’t have to have sex with you.”

His eyes narrowed, and I could tell he was trying to work something out. “Chérie, you and I were meant to love one another. It was never a question, oui?”

“Oui, but that isn’t the case with everyone, Alec. I’m not paid to fuck.”

“I do not fuck.” He reiterated strongly, his voice a growl and something I knew very well.

YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT TOO MANY TIMES, DUDE!

Mia explains that Tony was gay, and Alec is like, “Why didn’t you have sex with both of them?” and then says he’ll never understand why they didn’t all have sex.  1) Mia never specified Tony had a partner, so that’s weird. 2)  Really, Alec? You will never understand why a gay man wouldn’t want to sleep with a woman? Bizarre!

Given all the other times Mia has freaked out when people suggest she’s paid to sleep with her clients, it’s pretty inconsistent that she’s being so playful during this conversation.

“This guy I’m with now, the baseball player. At first, I thought I might want to share a bed with him, but he’s in love with someone else.”

What???? Mia was disgusted by Mason when she met him, and then two pages later she was already trying to hook him and Rachel up. Why the fuck is this book trying to retcon itself so hard?

Mia recaps the plot for Alec until he gives us this gem:

“Want your crème on my tongue, ma jolie. Need to remember your taste. Going to eat you now. Are you done telling stories?”

I want to go back in time and unread that line, but I too want Mia to stop recapping the plot.

They have sex again, and we have another scene where people just say one-liner nonsense. But there’s a twist this time:

“Love your body.”

“Love your sex.”

“Love your heart.”

“Love your soul.”

“Love you, Mia.”

Except Alec said all of those things in French.

And we never saw it coming.

2+
Advertisements

8 comments

  1. Cara Reply

    Wtf why does Alec start speaking in sentence fragments when he tells Mia he’s going to go down on her? French doesn’t use less pronouns than English. “Going to eat you now” is particularly awkward and strange.
    And since that weirdness is there, I’m not sure if I should read the last excerpt as a series of statements (sans first-person pronouns) or commands.

    5+
    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Alec returned with the sole purpose of raising even more questions about his characterization. I’ve told my French colleague some of the things he says, and she is always so baffled/concerned.

      7+
  2. Jennifer Layton Reply

    “It’s serious. I can’t imagine any other man putting his hands on her.” He shivered and groaned. “Makes me crazy just thinking about it. I figure, if thinking about her with another man makes me want to punch my fist through a wall, it’s gotta mean something. Right?”

    Right. It means you are a ticking time bomb, and the minute she even looks at another man, you are going to beat her up. Am I the only one hearing loud, shrieking warning bells every time Mason speaks?

    9+
    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Sorry, what? I can’t hear you over the sound of SO MANY ALARMS GOING OFF A ONCE.

      12+
  3. wordswithhannah Reply

    I don’t understand why “I want to spend the rest of my life loving you” is somehow less desirable/romantic than “I will commit assault against another person with whom you are willingly associating”, but I will also say that I SUUUUUUUUUUPER do not get the “alpha male” genre in the slightest.

    GOD DAMN IT, ALEC, NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS.

    4+
  4. Pip Reply

    The delivery of ‘but he said all those imgs in French’ makes it sound like a crappy plot twist, and now I can’t stop picturing Carlan as M. Night Shymalan (I have definitely spelt that wrong)

    0
  5. Lya Reply

    It’s weird how everybody became best friends/lovers so fast in this book. Mia just knows Mason for 30 days but she is like “he’s my best friend!!!!! I want to see Mason and Rachel (another person who Mia didn’t know) together and having adorable babies!!!” and she is totally okay with that way that Mason treats Rachel.

    0

Leave a Reply