House of Night (Hunted) Chapter 27: Kalona Brings The Drama (Class)

House of Night (Hunted): Chapter 27

It’s another chapter of Zoey going to class, because this book still wants us to think that school is remotely important for Zoey.

"Voldemort"
“HARRY POTTER IS DEAD. Now everyone get back to class. You’re all late to fourth period.”
This time, Zoey’s going to her drama class. This is notable because while I’ve joked about how Zoey never seems to go to the same class twice, Zoey’s drama class has actually had a different professor every single time she’s gone. Previously, her then ex-boyfriend Erik Night taught a single class, made Zoey act out a scene with him as a sparring lover, and the rest of the class shouted out that it was hot, because the main theme of House of Night is actually that everyone is super horny all the time.

Speaking of which:

“Oh! My! God! He was not with me! Even though I sooooo wish he had been!”
Becca’s annoying exclamation marks snagged my attention […] She was talking [to a girl] I kinda knew [because she was] in the National Shakespeare Monologue Contest […] Today, though, she wasn’t acting like a Shakespearean heroine. She was acting like a pain-in-the-butt giggly girl.
“Well, he wasn’t with me, either. But I can tell you, since he bit me I’ve been dying to do a little biting and sucking of my own on him,” Cassie said, and then dissolved into giggles. Again.

Just so we’re clear about what’s been going on at the House of Night while Zoey was off on her grand tunnel adventure, Kalona has made everyone horny and is either literally in everyone’s dreams or is making everyone dream of him (still unclear), unless they’re sharing a bed with someone they’re attracted to (win-win, I guess?), which has resulted in everyone (minor characters don’t exist in House of Night, so these two girls are basically everyone) lining up to hook up with an undead zombie vampire who (and we know this because a whole book was about undead Stevie Rae changing into red vampire Stevie Rae) hasn’t become the kind of vampire who showers yet.

House of Night is legit the thirstiest book we read on this blog.
Zoey continues to demonstrate that it’s truly a miracle she’s survived this long.

I realized afterwards that I should have kept my mouth shut. I mean, I was attempting to converse with what amounted to brainwashed pod people, but I couldn’t stay out of it […]
“Uh, excuse me, Becca,” I said, heavy on the sarcasm. “But didn’t Darius and I recently save your butt from getting raped and bit by oooh! the hottest guy at the House of Night? Then you were snotting and whimpering.”

So… we’ve not been subtle that we think Zoey is kind of a piece of shit. Granted, she’s a teenager, and it’s not like many people don’t make this same “but if I tell you why you’re wrong, then you’ll change your mind!” debating tactic mistake. But House of Night constantly bludgeons the reader with “ZOEY IS SO SPECIAL” and instead of bothering to ever demonstrate what makes Zoey special, we just see her being a fairly shitty, immature person to her friends, to her romantic interests, etc etc etc.

This is all old news to regular readers by now, but it’s worth pointing out because when Becca and Cassie dish back at Zoey, we’re supposed to think they’re “brainwashed”… but they’re actually making totally valid criticisms about why Zoey is a shitty protagonist.

“You’re just jealous.” Cassie didn’t look or sound shocked; she looked like a hateful bitch. “Erik’s gone. Loren Blake’s dead. So now you don’t have the two hottest guys at school on your little leash.” […]
“Yeah, just because you’re all high and mighty with the elements doesn’t mean you can have any guy you want.”

Zoey tries to argue that “you’re not thinking clearly”, Becca says she doesn’t remember it that way, and the Casts try to write even more on the nose.

“You remember it like that because Stark messed with your mind.”
Becca and Cassie laughed, causing lots of heads to turn in our direction.
“The next thing you’re going to say is that Kalona is messing with our minds, too”

Speaking of which:

There was a cumulative sigh from every female except me. And, to be completely honest, I’d wanted to sigh and had to clamp my jaws together to stop myself. He was just so utterly gorgeous. Today he was wearing black slacks and a short-sleeved, button-up shirt that was untucked, unbuttoned, and hanging open enough that whenever he moved I could see the flawless bronze of his chest and his yummy six-pack.

This school is so fucking inappropriate.

Zoey asks Kalona if he’ll be filling in for Erik Night for a while, and an unfazed Kalona responds that he believes Erik “may return to the House of Night sooner than some may think” and also suggests that “he might not be in any shape to resume his duties as professor, or as anything else”. Zoey is shocked to find that none of the other students registered the threat. Zoey must be new here. I mean, you know, aside from how she is literally new here. It’s hard to be the protagonist of a story you’re only ever fleetingly in!

Kalona kicks off drama class.

“Now, sweet Zoey, or as I like to think of you, A-ya”

Why would he say this in front of all the other students? Why is he constantly acting so weird?

Kalona asks Zoey to pick the next play they’ll study in the class. Which I guess is fair, since their previous professor also covered a totally new play to study in the one class he ever taught. I can’t even blame Kalona for this one, really. The curriculum at this school is clearly a crapshoot.

“Medea,” I said without hesitation. “Ancient Greek tragedy set in a time when gods still walked the earth. It’s about what happens when a man has too much hubris.”
“Ah, yes, hubris. When a man exhibits godlike arrogance.” His voice was still deep and seductive, but I could see the anger that had begun to burn in his eyes. “I think you will find that hubris only applies when you’re dealing with mortals, and not the gods themselves.”

Evil Villain is confronted with the definition of hubris and responds by saying it doesn’t apply to him. Subtlety isn’t House of Night‘s strong suit.

Kalona tells Zoey it’s a great choice, tells everyone to start studying, and leaves, because I guess even the Casts are getting tired of pretend that school matters in this story. The other students complain about Zoey’s continued special treatment, which is still hilariously accurate:

“If this is Nyx being mysterious, then I’m damn sick of it.”
“Yeah, it’s crap. If you’re not Zoey Redbird, then you’re not shit to Nyx.”
“Nyx gives her anyone she wants. The Goddess doesn’t leave anything for the rest of us.”

Seriously, though. Kalona doesn’t even need mind-control to get all these kids to turn away from Nyx. If I were at this school, I’d wonder if I were worshiping the wrong god too!

A saddened Zoey heads over to the horse stables to calm down, angry at what just happened and at how her plan to escape won’t work because she “needed the Hummer” to get everyone out, “but couldn’t cloak it” because it’s not organic. While she’s heading to the horse stables. Good work, Zoey.

Zoey has a boring altercation with a raven mocker that isn’t worth summarizing. Stark shows up and the chapter ends.

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7 comments

  1. Cara Reply

    “He was just so utterly gorgeous. Today he was wearing black slacks and a short-sleeved, button-up shirt that was untucked, unbuttoned, and hanging open enough that whenever he moved I could see the flawless bronze of his chest and his yummy six-pack.”

    So Kalona is Gladiolus, I guess.
    (Anyone else playing FFXV?)

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  2. 22aer22 Reply

    Hahahaha when Jack invented that disgusting sandwich in the tunnels, do you think he snapped his fingers and was like, “I’ve come up with a new recipe!”

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  3. Andreas Reply

    I’m ok with Kalona walking around in the minds of the girls (äh … as plot device, I mean. Sexiness IS a good way to control people, after all). But I can’t stop wondering what he is doing to the boys at school. Does Neferet take over wet-dream-duty there? Tries Kalona try to persuade them they are totally gay for him?

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  4. Madeline Reply

    “But didn’t Darius and I recently save your butt from getting raped and bit by oooh! the hottest guy at the House of Night? Then you were snotting and whimpering.”

    ZOEY REDBIRD IS LITERAL HUMAN GARBAGE.

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  5. Anne Reply

    How nice of Kalona that he teaches the drama class until they get a new teacher.
    I find it very hard to feel threatened by Kalona. He might be a god, but aside from brainwashing high- school students he has done nothing and he does not seem to be even planning anything, aside from convincing some vampire council that he is really a good guy. Perhaps we are understanding this character all wrong. I believe he really just wants to be a drama teacher, but he ends up seducing his students by accident which stops them from paying much attention to his classes. He might be just a guy who wants to find someone who likes him for who he is and not because of his seduction powers

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