Previously, Mia and Wes are in New York to film segments for Mia’s new daytime tv show. You know, the one that she was just given despite having no experience because she’s apparently a celebrity now because she’s been seen with high-profile men all year. It’s the American dream.
[Update: Ariel messaged me this morning that I mixed up Rachel and Heather’s names a few times in this post, but pointed out “I mean, super understandable”. This has been corrected now for all zero of you who remember which one of those characters is which.)
Calendar Girl (November): Chapter 4
Team Mia sets up to use Anton’s penthouse to film their segments for her tv show with Anton and Mason. They start with Mason, because Anton is still asleep. I can’t knock Anton about this. If I were in this story, I’d try to sleep through as much of it as possible too.
Mia describes how the decorations in Anton’s penthouse “spoke of the richness and colorful diversity of the Puerto Rican culture, something I knew was very close to Anton’s heart“, which is a good time to point out that the one time Puerto Rico is even mentioned in Anton’s book in this series is in the sentence “His Puerto Rican accent did crazy things to my senses as his eyes scanned me from head to toe again.” Mia really read a lot into that moment where he had an accent! And checked her out!
It’s hardly the worst case of Mia trying to describe something though:
[My outfit] must have looked pretty sexy. Wes practically assaulted me when I came out of the bedroom this morning before leaving the hotel.
I don’t wanna criticize how a fictional female character processes her trauma or anything, but it’s just a little weird how Mia’s playfully using the term “assaulted” when she was literally sexually assaulted half a year ago? Remember how last chapter Ariel forgot this even happened? These things kinda matter.
The chapter still won’t fucking start because then Mia has to tell us all about her new production assistant, Kathy. She has “hipster style” and Mia has “yet to figure out what her future goals were”. I guess let’s all get excited to learn about how Mia inspires Kathy to realize her lifelong dream of starting an Etsy shop for vegan, cruelty-free tea cosies or some bullshit we’re going to have to pretend to care about for three pages.
Or, more likely, how Mia’s gonna help Kathy get a man, because the events of this chapter are finally kicking off and it’s time for Calendar Girl to continue its transformation from being a story vaguely about female sexual desire and empowerment into being a story about how women really want marriage forced upon them.
I grinned. “[Rachel] doesn’t know that Mason has it planned to announce her as his fiancé publicly on my show. It’s been on the down-low, apparently.”
Calendar Girl, Book 2: “I can sleep with who I want, when I want, because I have my own desire and agency! I don’t need a man!”
Calendar Girl, Book 11: “No, she doesn’t know that he’s going to break the silence on their secret engagement on national television. That’s what makes it good.”
“I just found out myself, but he wants the world to know he’s off the market and no longer a confirmed bachelor.”
Kathy’s eyes lit up with a little twinkle. “Love it. Dr. Hoffman will positively swoon, and Leona”—she shook her head at the mention of the big boss who ran the entire show—“she might kiss your feet!” She giggled [and] put her hand over her mouth
…can we please not spend a ton of time on Kathy’s love life and/or Etsy shop later? The quirkiness might be fatal.
Believe it or not, Mason’s girlfriend, who is also his PR representative, kind of wants to know what’s going on.
“Mia, do you have your questions ready? I’d like to see them.”
Oh, shit. That was not good. Trying to hide something from your PR representative wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. I glanced at Mason, and his eyebrows rose.
Why wasn’t she prepared with any kind of cover story? Let’s ignore how shitty this “surprise” is and Mia’s complicity in it for a second. We’re on book eleven of a twelve-book series about Mia’s journey. How have we still not seen her have a job she’s any good at yet?
Mason covers for Mia by saying that he already approved the questions. And by repeatedly saying “babe”.
“Rach, babe, I approved them already.”
Her eyes turned into daggers. “You what? That’s my job. I can’t believe you’d do that.”
“Babe…” His eyes turned soft
I’m barely even fucking this summary up, that’s pretty much how it goes down.
Mia and Mason start filming the segment. The one for Mia’s tv show that she was given despite having no experience in television. Now, there’s no way this was actually intentional, but it shows:
“Okay, my first question is: what are your plans for Thanksgiving?”
Oh god.
“We’re finding out what our celebrity friends are thankful for.”
Mason sat back and pursed his lips. “Good friends, my fans, the team, the sport as a whole.
WHO GAVE THIS PERSON A TV SHOW? HER GUEST IS A BASEBALL PLAYER AND HE SAID HE WAS MOST THANKFUL FOR BASEBALL.
Mason says that he’ll be spending Thanksgiving with his family and bringing his fiancée. Mia is all “FIAN-SAY WHAAAAAAA”. Mason is all “yuh huh it is true”. It’s riveting television.
“you’ve been very private about your relationship since you and I dated back in April. The masses are probably pretty surprised by this information. I can almost hear the hearts breaking across the nation as we speak.”
I feel like Mia performatively speaking about the masses who care about her and Mason and all their friends in an empty room with just Mia and Mason and all their friends unintentionally says a lot about how successfully this book conveyed Mia’s apparent ascent to stardom.
So, uh, how’s Rachel taking all of this?
Rachel had been standing off to the side, watching nervously. I could tell she didn’t like how the segment started because I could feel the tension pouring from that side of the room.
“Also I could tell because this was a dick move, but, alas, it was good television, which I guess is my job now.”
“I don’t know about all this.” Rachel bit down on her lip, clearly worried about how the fans would take this new information about his personal life.
OR WORRIED ABOUT HOW SHE HAS NO AGENCY IN HER RELATIONSHIP BUT SURE IT’S PROBABLY HER FIANCÉE’S FANS
Mason, obviously, doesn’t give a fuck.
“Well, I am. Let’s do this, Mia.”
“You got it, Mace.”
I’m not kidding about Mia’s complicity in all this. Mia fucking sucks.
“I gather right about now she’s probably pretty mad you and me [sic] for conspiring behind her back to make this announcement right now, but I don’t care.”
Mason professes his love for Rachel on national television. Like all declarations of love in this book (which, again, started as a story about a woman claiming sexual agency and openly communicating with her partners about her reservations about wanting anything serious), it has little to do with love and a lot to do with possessiveness.
“I’m tired of pretending. You’re going to be my wife next year. I want the world to know it. […] I want to spend the next season with every woman in the world knowing I’m yours. Better yet, I want every man knowing all of this”—he ran his hands down her back in a suggestive yet still not completely inappropriate way—“is all mine.”
Intriguingly, Rachel proves that she does actually have some chemistry with Mason, and almost immediately turns the tables on Mia.
Rachel’s mouth twisted into a snarky grin. […] “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that’s a very specific style ring on your finger there,” Rachel said, sweet as apple pie and just as sugary.
“Yeah, Mia, share your news with the world!” Mason urged.
Oh. My. God. That dog. Called my ass out!
“Mia couldn’t possibly have this little self-awareness, right?” Yeah, no, she leaves Rachel in the dark about her secret engagement being revealed on national television without her consent and explicitly tells her she doesn’t care how she feels about it, but when the same thing happens to her, then it’s bad.
As if on cue, Wes entered the frame and held his hands out to me. [He] looped his fingers with mine and waved at the camera with his other hand.
Ok, let’s step back for a second. I know this scene seems bananas, but if you think about how famous all of these people are supposed to be… it’s even more insane. Let’s think about the real-world equivalent of this. Mason is a famous athlete. Wes is a famous director. Mia is a daytime tv personality who’s in the spotlight because of her sexual associations with high-profile men. So this is like… I dunno… a segment on The Dr. Oz Show where Stormy Daniels is interviewing LeBron James. And then LeBron announces he’s engaged to his PR representative. And then Christopher Nolan walks on the stage to announce that he’s engaged to Stormy Daniels. This is basically what we’re watching, so, yeah, it is kind of a lot to take in.
Also don’t forget that Stormy Daniels and LeBron conspired to announce his secret engagement without consulting LeBron’s fiancée, but now Stormy is pissed off that LeBron’s fiancée just got Christopher Nolan to do the same thing to her.
My man had claimed me on national television. How the hell did one profess his love after that?
Gosh. Mia. Who would do such a thing. Gosh.
It’s also worth pointing out that at one point during this chapter, Mia refers to Mason with “recently called the best pitcher in the history of baseball”. Christ on a bicycle, does Mia even know any average people?
“Wes practically assaulted me”
so the book is ignoring all the “Mia is scared about Wes’s behavior and he goes to a therapist” that now there’s even a joke about assault?
The tone of this series has always been wildly inconsistent but that subplot has taken it to uncharted levels
I routinely forget that Anton and Alec are different characters for some reason [the reason is that everyone in this series has a name starting with one of three letters] so the beginning of this post was really confusing for me
Also not harp on this or anything but really feeling weird about “Wes practically assaulted me” given how the sex scenes have been going lately
LOL what if Wes hadn’t been there for this picture-perfect photo op? Wouldn’t Mia feel silly? Now she can finally learn the value of having “your man” be there at all times, even when your lady-brain thinks you can do things independently.