Designer Stubble: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapters 8 & 9

I’d like to begin this post by paying a little homage to the fabulous My Mom Watches Game of Thrones and doing a little, “My Mom Reads my Fifty Shades of Grey Blog” because yesterday my mother had a myriad of hilarious things to tell me over facebook chat, and you, readers, deserve to hear them.

“I went out to dinner with a friend last night, and I asked her what she’s been up to lately. She told me she’s read the first two Fifty Shades of Grey books. She said they have a lot of sex, but great characters.” If that’s not code for, “I really like the (hard) fucking, but I want to sound intelligent and not admit that” then I don’t know what is.

“You’ll have to do the whole trilogy.” I bet when God created the ten commandments, he didn’t realize parents would abuse their power to make their children read an entire trilogy of terrible books in order to mock them on their blogs.

My mother’s thoughts on Ana’s use of “holy crap”: “Holy crap goes crapwise into the stratosphere.”

“When you quoted that line about the cheese, I thought it was something you made up because you make cheese jokes..I couldn’t believe it was a part of the book lol.” I cleaned up most of what she wrote (aka changing “u” to “you”, but I had to leave that lol in there.) Also, as I was reading the book and saw Ana freak out about cheese, I too thought I was making it up because cheese is often my joke reference point. God, my mother knows me well.

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 8

Well, I’m sufficiently uncomfortable! Ana loses her virginity to Christian in one of the most oddly written sex scenes I’ve ever read. I’ll admit to you readers, I’ve read much better erotica before. Erotica that doesn’t awkwardly state, “Don’t worry, you expand too,” or “I can hardly contain the riotous feelings–or are they hormones?–that rampage through my body,” and, “He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There.” 

I had to look up “what is an apex”. Both the definitions and the google image results were shockingly unsexy.  Man, at least the characters in this book are great!

HEY GUYS WE FIND OUT ABOUT CHRISTIAN’S PENIS IN THIS CHAPTER!!! Okay, so this is the moment I, and many many searchers that find this blog have been waiting for, so I bet it’s going to be EPIC.

Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow…He reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them farther apart. He knees up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How? 

Wait. That was it? We don’t get more than “holy cow” and “considerable length”? After all this wait? Fuck this shit. Fuck this shit HARD like Christian would.

Triple crap, I just remembered that I’m going to have to read an alarming amount of these poorly written sex scenes, and I died inside a little. I may have to start playing my drinking game. That bottle of Pinot Grigio on my desk is kind of looking like a lifeline right about now.

In case anyone was wondering (any weirdo google searchers out there, I’m looking at you), Ana has three orgasms. I think. I don’t want to go back and double-check that.

Anywho, Ana wakes up to Christian playing piano in the moonlight. It’s about as awful as you can imagine a scene involving Ana, Christian, a piano and moonlight would be.

Ana, again, tells us how Christian’s pants hang from his hips. It never stops being weird. “His pants hang from his hips in that way…oh my.” She goes as crazy for his pants situation as she does for his penis? And cheese warrants holy craps? The logic operating in this book is still a huge (throbbing) mystery to me.

There also seems to be foreshadowing about Christian and his…chest. At first, Ana has to ask him why his shirt’s on during sex, then he takes it off. Then later during the piano/moonlight scene, she tries to play with his chest hair (did anyone else just vomit on their keyboard? I can’t possibly be the only one) and he’s like GO AWAY. Yup, this seems to be a legitimate “plot point” in this book. But his penis isn’t? And pants hanging loosely off hips are? I’m stumped.

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 9

When Matt passed the book back to me this morning, he said, “Chapter nine is where it’s at.” What he didn’t tell me was, “Chapter nine is a clusterfuck of gross.” Thanks for nothing, partner.

We open with, “It’s a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view.” It makes me happy to read this in a sarcastic tone. I know deep down it’s not, but I have to make myself feel better somehow when I read this.

Ana’s subconscious is like, “Girl, you are crazy.” And, for once, I don’t want Ana’s subconscious to emigrate or expire.

So then Ana goes on a fucking stupid mission to find hair ties that for some reason takes more than one sentence to describe. “I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard.”

Okay, first of all, that shit is just majorly creepy. Second, if you’re comparing the dude you’re banging to Bluebeard that is a really bad sign. Third, I don’t even think that story matches up. I’m fairly certain Bluebeard wasn’t like, “Oh, you look really girly, I’m gonna spare you.” In fact, I’m pretty sure he just killed all his wives. Failure to English Major, Ana. Failure to Wikipedia, James.

So there’s dancing and cooking and flirting, pretty much in that order. “Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me; that’s because I’m a misfit. I have never fitted in anywhere…”

Yeah, we have still seen no evidence of Ana not fitting in anywhere. From what we’ve seen she’s got friends, guys who are interested, and a job where everyone likes her. At least throw in a line explaining that high school messed her up or something that lends any sort of credence to this.

Christian comes into the kitchen and Ana’s like, “Just fucked hair really suits him, so does his designer stubble.” Is it Gucci? Probs.

And then, creepily enough, Christian comments on the pig tails: “‘I love these,’ he whispers, ‘They won’t protect you.’ Hmmm, Bluebeard…” Still makes no fucking sense, and still so totally, completely disturbing.

Also, another Major Plot Point Foreshadowing seems to be Christian’s weirdness about food. Probs child abuse or something something. I don’t want this to be the case because child abuse isn’t funny, and the whole point of this blog is the lols and the good times. God damn it.

Bath and blowjob sequence. The chapter nine Notes ‘n Quotes section covers all that bull shoop. Spoiler alert: I hated every second of it!

While Christian is boning Ana, his mother suddenly shows up (not in the room, but in the hallway, chill out), and the chapter ends with “Shit! It’s my mother.” This is like the fourth or fifth chapter that just ends with someone cursing about something or other. Drinking game fodder!

Notes ‘n Quotes

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 8:

-“There’s blood on the sheets–evidence of my lost virginity”…”Well, that’s going to give Mrs. Jones something to think about,” Christian mutters as he stands in front of me.” This is the second abrupt reference to Mrs. Jones. I’m surprised Christian didn’t sneak cheese into this conversation again too.

-“This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.” Similarly, this book is terrible, but holly hell is it hilarious.

-“He lifts my foot by the heel and runs his thumbnail up my instep…Not taking his eyes off mine, again he runs his tongue along my instep and then his teeth.”  NO, I don’t want to read foot porn. Please, please, please, someone make this a hard limit. Oh wait, no, it comes back in chapter nine.

-When she decides to lose her virginity to him, Christian says, “You are one brave woman, I am in awe of you.” It’s not like she’s rushing into a burning building to save a kitten, calm the fuck down, Christian you feet licking dickwad. Harsh words, I know, but someone needed to say them.

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 9

As promised, here are a lot of quotes concerning a bath and a blowjob. And other stupid shit that happened in this chapter.

-“My appetite has become uncertain again…more…more sex…yes, please.” Brains…brains…more brains…

-“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this. It’s so big and growing.”  POP QUIZ!!!

There is actually no wrong answer to this poll! Congratulations, you passed.

But actually, after that line, I laughed so hard I got an ab workout from this book.

-“He’s my very own Christian-Grey flavored Popsicle.” Please, oh please, someone out there come out with this brand of Popsicles and make millions (and give me some money for the idea kthanks. Alternatively, give me someone’s contact number in the Popsicle industry and I’ll take matters into my own hands.)

-“His hands glide along my breast, and I inhale sharply as his fingers encircle them and start kneading gently, taking no prisoners.” What does that even mean? Is there a situation where he would take her breasts prisoner? Is this a BDSM joke?

-“He gently tugs at my pubic hair.” WHAT?????

-“He pushes his nose into my pubic hair and inhales.” WHAT??????????????????????????

-“‘Aargh,’ I moan.” Has James never heard someone moan before? It doesn’t normally sound like a pirate’s catchphrase.

I end this post with a plea. Please,  bored housewives, please just go watch actual porn that doesn’t masquerade as something it’s not: literature with good diction and character development. James seems to believe that character development means discovering the joy of orgasms.