Ass Training: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapters 14 & 15

So someone keeps finding this blog searching, “What does Christian Grey do with the headphones?” Man, just when I thought I couldn’t get more amped to read this treasure of a book, this compelling nugget comes along. What does Christian do with the headphones? I suppose only time will tell for me.

In happier news, two whole people found the blog by actually searching for our blog. Get a load of that awesome right there.

Summaries 

14

The camera pans in, and Christian is holding a riding crop, standing over Ana. Sorry, was just practicing for when this gets turned into a movie and the masochist in me decides to write a Bad Movies, Good Times post on here.

Christian is somewhere between sexually dominating Ana and advertising Levis, “Christian is standing over me grasping a plaited leather riding crop. He’s wearing old, faded, ripped Levis and that’s all.” I find this kind of blatant product placement both distracting and unsexy. Christian proceeds to stroke Ana with the riding crop and make her suck on it. Yup, that was real and it happened.

Twist! It wasn’t real and it didn’t happen. It’s just a dream. A wet dream, to be specific, which Ana is completely flummoxed by. Apparently, in addition to never owning a computer, Ana has never had a sex dream. Ever.

She expresses this disbelief with the eloquence of a cave woman, “I didn’t know I could dream sex. Was it something I ate? Perhaps the oysters and my Internet research manifesting itself in my first wet dream. It’s bewildering.” Doesn’t she know the old adage “oysters before research, dreams of church, but research before oysters, dreams of sexual encounters.”  Look, I went on rhymes.net and next to nothing really rhymes with oysters. I do what I want.

Ana “staggers” into the kitchen because apparently wet dreams make it difficult to walk, process what’s happening around you, and people “look odd” after them. Kate’s words, not mine. Ana skillfully avoids telling Kate anything about the night before because, “Christian’s idea of a relationship is more like a job offer…deep down, it’s the canes and whips that put me off.” Also, you know, the whole controlling your every move thing? We’re not even going to mention that? Nope, okay then.

Ray shows up to take Ana to her graduation and proves yet again that everyone in this book is just a caricature. Ray is  the Quiet but Kind Father who says things gruffly but also proudly. Ana is Our Protagonist, and she is so bland any reader could pretend to be her! She even has catch phrases like “holy shit” and “holy crap”. Kate is The Best Friend. She uses words like “girlfriend” and sassy phrases like, “he doesn’t know his ass from his elbow” to signify that she is someone Ana can lean on and trust. Christian is The Mysterious and Dangerous but Ultimately Irresistible and Good Love Interest; he says thinks like “I fuck…hard”, but inside we know he is a softie who has been damaged by an Evil Cougar.

Graduation is as overwrought with boring details as you can imagine. We get everything from the row Ana is sitting in to how the two girls next to her must be friends because they’re chatting over her the whole time. I’m surprised we didn’t get some sort of random back story about these two pointless characters. James keeps me on my toes. Most significantly, Christian is wearing the tie that he keeps using to tie Ana up. “Holy shit…that tie…he’s wearing that tie, on purpose no doubt.” What a mastermind!

Kate’s speech is glossed over, but we’re assured it’s incredible, and people jump up and cheer after it. Obviously, it’s Christian’s speech about his work with the school and their agriculture department that gets all the attention. It’s also where we find out about his food issues! And where Ana has another idiotic reaction!

‘I have known what’s it’s like to be profoundly hungry. This is a very personal journey for me…”

My jaw falls to the floor. What? Christian was hungry once. Holy crap. 

At least this holy crap again hearkens back to the days when Matt believed holy craps were food related. But seriously, James couldn’t have written something like, “Christian was starving/profoundly hungry/suffering once” to make Ana’s shock seem appropriate instead of moronic?

Christian pulls Ana aside after graduation and asks why she’s been ignoring his e-mails and calls, but really she just hasn’t seen them. He makes a big deal about how worried he was because she drove home in her shitty car. She then agrees to give him an answer about their arrangement by tomorrow.

Ray and Christian meet. Kate introduces him as her boyfriend, and Ana is like, “Oh my god, Kate, he’s not my boyfriend!!” But she is totes secretly happy about it.

Ana angsts about Christian meeting her dad as she does about everything whether it’s actually a big deal or not. “My subconscious is at her snarky best. So are you going to introduce Ray to the man you’re fucking? She is glaring at me over her wing-shaped spectacles.” HEY! Those were half-moon spectacles a few chapters ago. If your subconscious went glasses shopping, why weren’t we the first to hear about it? That would have been way more compelling than anything that actually happened in this book.

The men start talking about fish and Ana soon feels “surplus to requirements.” You’ve probably heard both of these words separately before, but together they create something so stupid and so hilarious that it is just begging to be mocked here! When James tries to sound like a good writer, the results are always hilarious.

So, Ray goes to the bathroom, and Ana seizes that opportunity to agree to the arrangement with Christian. And of course he’s all, “OMG YOU ARE SO COMPLICATED AND SURPRISING, ANA!” And I’m like, “Stop trying to convince me these people have depth by having other people comment on their character traits, James.”

The chapter ends with Christian on his way to see Ana. In case you weren’t sure from his e-mail telling her this, Ana thinks, “Holy crap…he’s coming over now.” There really is no rhyme or reason to the crap-scale anymore. Frustrating times at Ridgemont High.

15

“Christian is standing on the porch in his jeans and leather jacket.” I guess he only wears Levis when he’s having dream sex. Levis: the jeans of your wet dreams.

Ana continues on with the same dillema about being a sub even though she’s already agreed to do it! I’m kind of looking forward to Christian punishing her because damn, this girl needs a spanking. Speaking of which, Ana rolls her eyes at Christian and he goes, “Next time you roll your eyes at me, I will take  you across my knee.” Damn straight! But also, ew.

So they begin to casually discuss soft limits, and come on, of course mortifying things are said! It’s Fifty Shades!

“Anal intercourse doesn’t exactly float my boat.”

“I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we’ll wait for that. Besides, it’s not something we can dive into.” He smirks at me. “Your ass will need training.”

Can there be a Rocky style montage? That would make this slightly more bearable.

We then find out that Christian has been on the receiving end of anal, courtesy of The Cougar (or Mrs. Robinson, as Ana calls her). I’m not sure you needed to know that information, but misery loves company, so I thought I’d share. Also, I’m curious as to why we get a lot of searchers looking for information on Christian’s penis, but not his history with anal sex. I’m just as flummoxed as Ana was when she had her first wet dream.

Christian says that because Ana is agreeing to his terms, he’s going to try to give her “more” when it’s not her sub hours. “Maybe one night a week.” One night a week Ana gets a real boyfriend! Lucky duck. But he says he’ll only do this if she accepts her graduation present…and it’s a car!!  Ana doesn’t react the way she would if she was on Oprah and a car had been under her seat or whatever happens on that show, I’ve never watched it.

Ana is less upset about this super expensive gift and more upset that Christian ran it past Ray first, and Ray thought it was awesome. “Poor Ray. I feel sick, mortified for my dad.” But of course Ana doesn’t explain why, so I’m just going to assume it’s because Ray has always wanted a sexy billionaire boyfriend to buy him a new car, and this is rubbing failure in his face.

Sex is had and Ana’s body “writhes convulsively.” I demand to know how anyone could actually find the sex in this book steamy when there are phrases like that written in almost every single paragraph. Just because a book contains the words “nipples”, “sexy” and “come” doesn’t make it hot.

Other sexual gems that won’t go in Notes ‘n’ Quotes include, “I’m able to tug down his tousers and his boxers at the same time, whoa…freeing him.”; “‘Pinch the top and then roll it down. You don’t want any air in the end of that sucker.'”; “We pick up the rhythm…up, down, up, down…over and over…and it feels so…good.” None of those ellipses were written by me to signify that I was skipping something over. None of them.

The chapter ends with Ana climaxing and “shouting incoherently”, which I’m going to go ahead and assume would be something like this, “FLARRRRGIISHHMMAAAAA!!!”

Thank god that shit’s done!

Notes ‘n’ Quotes

14

-He swirls the tip around my navel then continues to trail the leather tip south, through my pubic hair to my clitoris. He flicks the crop and it hits my sweet spot with a sharp slap, and I come, gloriously, shouting my release.” That sounds…terrible. If someone kicked a guy in the balls he wouldn’t come gloriously…I hope.

-“Abruptly, I wake, gasping for breath, covered in sweat and feeling the aftershocks of my orgasm. Holy hell. I’m completely disoriented. What the hell just happened?“ Just in case you weren’t sure what being disoriented meant.

-“I glance behind me and spot Ray high up on the bleachers. I give him a wave. He self-consciously gives me a half-wave, half-salute back.” I actually just sat at my computer trying to recreate what was undoubtedly an incredible gesture because I simply cannot figure it out.  The lengths I’ll go to try to puzzle these things out is incredible. I wasted a whole thirty seconds on that.

-“Poor fucked up, kinky, philanthropic Christian…” He’s so complex! Look at James trying to convince us he’s a developed character. I see what you’re trying to do here, James, and it ain’t working.

-“‘Annie, I’ve just sat for two and half hours listening to all kinds of jabbering. I need a drink.” First off, “two and half hours” is actually what’s in the book, not a typo from me. Second, Ray just became my favorite character. Jabbering? Needing a drink? Man after my own heart!

15

-“‘Right–bondage,” he says, returning to the list. I examine the list, and my inner goddess bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.” I can’t be the only one that is completely creeped out by this metaphor when it’s used to describe her feelings about bondage.

-“‘Come on, Anastasia, talking through all this, I want to fuck you into next week, right now. It must be having some effect on you, too.” I don’t know, you guys, something about discussing genital clamps and caning in hardcore detail doesn’t exactly put me in the mood for hot hot lovin’.

-“It’s taking all my self-control not to fuck you onto the hood of this car right now, just to show you that you are mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I’ll buy you a fucking car.”

-“Holy shit. His finger tastes salty…from me.” Oh my god, it’s so gross but SO FUNNY!

-“‘What are you going to do with me?” he teases.

Oh, the possibilities…my inner goddess roars.” I love when James pairs dialogue or thoughts with verbs that make no fucking sense. I just imagine Ana’s psychotic inner goddess roaring, “OH, THE POSSIBILITIES,” and like stabbing Christian in the fucking face or something, which is what the book actually needs.

-“Holy Moses, he’s all mine to play with, and suddenly it’s Christmas.” Christian Grey’s penis is so magical it can turn Judaism into Christianity. What a cock!

This post got really long, really fast (that’s what she said). There are so many terrible things left unsaid, but that’s life sometimes when one of these posts becomes as long as actual school papers I’ve written. My life would be so much better if I could write stuff like this for school.