Way back when, we did a post here on weird search terms that brought people to the blog. I have to admit, it’s been ages since I paid too much attention to the search results. Generally, the top ones that bring people to the site are now “Fifty Shades excerpt” or “Scene from Fifty Shades” or, weirdly enough, “Jenny McCarthy”. I guess it’s cause of that one time Matt wrote about her here. (I still find that astonishing, though, because people probably have to go back like ten pages to get to this blog’s post that briefly mentions McCarthy.) [Matthew says: Briefly as in, I wrote her name once. I still don’t get that one.]
Gone are the days when I crack up over “Christian Grey’s Penis” bringing people to the blog. Or at least, I thought those days were over. Recently I saw a search for “Fanfic where Ana meets Gideon first.” By the way, if anyone knows where we can find this fic, if it exists, please link it to us.
Anyway, that search made me realize I was probably missing out on these gems for ages now but that it wasn’t too late to make up for it and stay on top of this shit. Game on. Weird searches are back, y’all!
Top 10 Search Roundup for Nov 13 – Nov 20:
1. “Describe an orgasm.” Nope, that’s it. Just describe an orgasm. This poor soul who doesn’t know how an orgasm works or what it feels like has come here. This is the same place where orgasms are described as “detonating” or likened to having a seizure. This is the same place where women have about six hundred orgasms in a row and mostly sound pretty painful. THIS IS THE WRONG PLACE TO COME FOR THAT INFORMATION!
[Matthew says: I suppose someone learning what an orgasm is here is slightly better than them learning about it from the books we’re summarizing.]
2. “What would christian do if ana had not gotten angry after punishment”. This question raises even more questions in the process of being asked, and we probably will never know the answer to any of them. It’s unclear to me if this person was looking for someone else’s opinion on the matter or hoping EL James herself had posted this answer. Or it could be a WWJD (what would Jesus do) situation in which the searcher is looking for guidance and inspiration from the likes of Christian Grey. If anyone has the answer to this out there, it’s certainly not us. I would be hard pressed to sit down and contemplate an alternate universe in which Ana “had not gotten angry after punishment.” Also, which punishment?
3. “The fat boy in say cheese and die again”. It’s sad to think that if this question had been asked before October this searcher never would have found us. That fat boy is Greg, my friends. I’m glad we could be of service here! But I desperately want to know if the searcher was trying to remember Greg’s name and why. They weren’t trying to remember which book that happened in, just who Greg was! [Matthew says: Or maybe they were just really curious for more details about his getting fat. For some reason.]
4. “http://www.schoology.com/” I…that’s not us. And this was searched/led to our blog three times. The mysteries of the internet!
5. “Twenty shades of vagina” I. Love. This. What did they want to find???
6. “pivotal scenes in 50 shades” I’m sorry, searcher, those only exist in stories with actual plots.
7.“interview with travis and abby from beautiful disaster” So happy our new series is getting some lovin’. I’m less happy that it appears the searcher thinks they’re real people who can give interviews? In a way their books are kind of like interviews. Really long-winded interviews that you just really wish would end or make some kind of sense or give you interesting information.
8. “fifty shades of grey sex summary” I’ll do my best. Boobs and penis are touched, sometimes light BDSM happens, breath quickens. Christian’s big penis enters Ana’s vagina. Then someone usually detonates, spasms (multiple times), cries out the other’s name, says “Oh, baby” or “Oh, my Fifty!”. This is pretty much the case every time, so you don’t have to actual read any of the sex scenes now.
[Matthew says: Ariel’s inspired me, so here’s my super fast summary of Fifty Shades of Grey! Ana meets Christian, he treats her like shit, so she breaks up with him. Here’s my super fast summary of the sequels: Just kidding!]
9. “wander fled from her comforters home after kathy” Sure, that sounds like a thing that happened in The Host (remember when we read that? I kind of do.) [Matthew says: There was a Kathy in that book?]
10. “oprah and you get a” WHAT IS IT?? What does Oprah get? Is it a car? Is this post how they got to this blog with the vaguest, most unrelated search since “describe an orgasm”? I think one time I used an Oprah gif but not even I can find that, and I wrote the damn thing!