Thirty-Word Recap
We try to summarize the episode in 30 words: one word for each contestant the season started with.
Ariel: Nick cries the whole time. The show wants us to know Corinne has a platinum vagine (vajeen?), but Nick won’t hit it. Everyone pumped for hometowns. Danielle and Kristina leave.
Matthew: Nick decides not to quit the show. Multiple dates on boats. Corinne worries she’s going home. Nick won’t fuck because of the rules. Danielle goes. Kristina is so over Nick.
It’s Week 7. Discuss.
Matthew: God, where do you want to get started with this episode? ABC’s inscrutable decision to announce that Rachel is the next Bachelorette even though she’s still on the show? Or how I’m actually like 90% convinced Corinne is going to win?
(My insane, four-dimensional chess theory about why they announced the next Bachelorette already: they know that people are going to HATE how this season ends so they’re already trying to hook us on what’s next.)
Ariel: I like your theory a lot, but I saw some stuff posted that Nick has been wearing the wrist band he and Vanessa wore together in the zero gravity as evidence she wins, which would not surprise me. COULD BE LEGIT?
Matthew: I like that this theory hinges on the Livestrong bracelet that Nick is still wearing in 2017 for some reason.
Ok, taking a step back, that makes sense too. My roommate has an equally cynical, but distressingly more likely prediction: Nick’s just keeping Corinne until the fantasy suites so they can bang without “breaking the rules”, then he’s gonna get serious.
Either way, neither that nor my “Corinne’s gonna win” prediction really put Nick in a great light. Honestly, by this point I’m actually HOPING Corinne wins just because then we don’t have to put up with her on Bachelor in Paradise. I’m a single-issue voter when it comes to The Bachelor, apparently.
Ariel: I was thinking about this a lot during my commute this morning, because why wouldn’t I spend my “free” time thinking deeply about all things Bachelor?
Jeremy and I were theorizing the same things about Nick/Corinne, but all the women left at this point are attractive, so I don’t think he’d be like, “Let me juuuust keep her here for fantasy suite.” Especially given Nick’s past hurt over the fantasy suite situations, I’m skeptical it’s for those reason.
I think it’s more about the fact that he clearly feels a bit protective of Corinne, and from we saw of Nick on BIP, he LOVES to be the protector.
During a lot of her scenes with Nick, Corinne kind of transforms into a different person. I’m not saying at all she’s being fake, just a different side of her comes out. There is more of a sweetness and a vulnerability than when we see all her bravado for the camera, and I think Nick is digging that side of her. Combine that with the fact that he’s also seen her be very goofy/ballsy/booby, I get why he’s kept her around. Ignoring the producers likely hand in it, of course.
I am a Corinne apologist. For all the times I roll my eyes at her, I do like her, and I wouldn’t mind seeing her again on BIP actually!
Matthew: Oh my god, Ariel, I don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t think I could be in a room with Corinne for two minutes. But it really doesn’t matter if I think she’s irritating. Due to the unfathomable nature of attraction, Nick and Corinne do seem to have hit it off together. Granted, I also think Nick is a bit of a shit, so by this point I’m mostly resigned that they deserve each other. I don’t really wish any of the other women on him. As unsurprising as a Vanessa ending would be, I think she could do so much better than Nick.
Ariel: Corinne is that friend who I would love one on one but in a group she’d drive me nuts, I think.
I hope that livestrong bracelet theory isn’t actually the real truth… I want it to be a chance it could still be anyone! Well, besides Rachel, our next Bachelorette!
Matthew: I’m mostly really fucking down on Nick now because I’ve noticed he’s REALLY bad at dumping women. This is only my second season watching The Bachelor, so this hasn’t occurred to me before, but I’ve realized that what I really enjoyed about Ben’s season was that he was better at ending things.
Ariel: What! Why is Nick so bad? He’s tried to spare them from the rose ceremony dumping as much as possible! Which is kind of nice?
Matthew: True, I’ll give him the sparing the rose ceremony thing, but what he’s actually saying and doing when dumping these women is really rubbing me the wrong way. It’s hard to put a pin on. And, granted, this is a REALLY hard thing to figure out how to do. It’s hard to go into a moment where you know you’re going to hurt another person’s feelings. Personally, I know that I’m really, really bad at this. I’m not trying to preach from a high horse here.
The impression that I get is that Nick isn’t great at softening that blow. He’s trying to elicit sympathy FROM the person he’s dumping, while he’s dumping them. He talks a lot about all the love he’s felt in the past with other people while women on this show open up to him about how they feel about him. There’s a lot of mild cowardice in here. I’d argue that, while Ben didn’t really make anyone feel better being broken up with, he didn’t TRY to get them to forgive him for it right then and there, while they were hurting. He wore his inner conflict on his sleeve in a way that made the viewer empathize with him. Nick doesn’t do this, and I’d argue that the evidence is right there when Kristina was having none of his woe-is-me act when he dumped her.
Ariel: Hmm yeah he’s like sort of asking them in his actions to comfort HIM during the breakup. I think in a way he’s actually so cut up because it’s making him remember all of his own personal bad times. So yes, it’s empathetic to be able to be like, “I have literally been where you are right now, and it’s shit.” But by doing that he’s also making it about himself. REMEMBER WHEN I WAS HURT SO BAD! I have done this before, because I want them to know I have been in pain like that and I know it’s shit and I feel shit that I’m making them feel shit…but it is also not a great way to approach a breakup.
Matthew: Oh, totally. I have done this same thing before too and that’s why I’m looking at it now like, “dude, do NOT do this on national television.”
Ariel: Yep yep, like just try to do it with respect and dignity and stop crying and making the focus on you
I see where you’re coming from now, I hadn’t thought about it like that before. I was annoyed by his sobbing last night when he dumped Kristina, though. I was like, “Nick, stop.”
Matthew: I’m super down for letting men actually have feelings and crying, but even by that point I was grinning when a stone-cold Kristina was just like, “fuck you, bye forever.” To paraphrase. Kristina did not actually say “fuck you, bye forever” because she was a sweetheart and TOO GODDAMN GOOD FOR NICK.
Ariel: Aw, I wasn’t saying Nick can’t cry, I just meant in that situation it was putting the focus on him. If he then went away from that conversation and cried his heart out, totally fine! But then again, it was hard…so maybe it can’t be helped. IDK.
Matthew: Oh, I know you’re on the same page! I didn’t think you were actually criticizing him for crying.
Ariel: Breakups suck, even on The Bachelor
Matthew: We’re not criticizing the man tears. We’re criticizing the man-who-can’t-stop-making-it-about-him tears.
Ariel: Hahahahhaha, I love how this has turned into an analysis of Nick’s tears during his breakup with Kristina. Welcome to Bachelor Chat with the BBGT team!
Matthew: Speaking of too goddamn good for Nick, do we have anything we want to say about Rachel as the next Bachelorette? Or is this just like, “HELL YEAH. CAN’T WAIT. Ok, I guess that’s pretty much it, actually.”
Ariel: I agree about Rachel, I can’t wait. Although, I really wish ABC had kept their mouths shut, because Rachel is so cute after their date, but I know it all amounts to nothing!
Matthew: Right? It’s a weirdly nihilistic move on ABC’s part. Maybe they’re also disillusioned that Corinne is winning.
Ariel: But what about Raven no one asked?
Matthew: It really says a lot about how much Corinne has taken over this show that I was about to say nothing happened to Raven in this episode, but she actually got a fucking date rose. I’m really hoping Raven and Nick have a good hometown date. I’m gonna need something to distract me from the hot mess that Corinne’s hometown date’s gonna be.
Ok, but that’s the future. We gotta talk about the most important thing this episode, which the show has been CONSTANTLY teasing in previews the whole season: Corinne tries to seduce Nick and have sex before the fantasy suites. And it was… underwhelming. She took him into his bedroom, suggested they get into bed, and he said “it’s best” to wait. It felt like it was four minutes long. But we did get some great camerawork just sorta focusing on the door for like a solid two minutes while Corinne and Nick talked on the other side of it. So, actually, yeah, fuck it, still my favorite moment of the season.
When ur an innocent champagne bottle and u didn't ask to hear the sounds ur currently hearing #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/T1iaCHbBxu
— Jordyn Taylor (@jordynhtaylor) February 14, 2017
Ariel: YES! Okay question for you, why doesn’t everyone just constantly try to get alone time this way? That’s how Plank (Sean?) had his really big heart to heart with Kaitlyn where she was basically like “I want to pick you as the winner” or whatever.
My friend referred to whatshisface as Plank all of Kaitlyn’s season, and so I can never stop also referring to him this way.
ALSO ALSO the whole “My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum” thing was SO OVERDONE. The Bachelor REALLY wanted us to know that line was coming up, and then nothing even really happened between Nick and Corinne! Because he “respects the other women” “you women” “these women”!
Matthew: UGHHHH I know. Granted, that’s straight-up one of the funniest things that’s come out of an actual human mouth ever in the history of time, but you don’t eat chocolate cake every single day just because it’s delicious.
I am really curious about that. Did Corinne just decide to leave and go to Nick’s hotel? Did she have to sneak out? Did the producers encourage her to bend the rules? What if someone does exactly what Corinne did, but is ACTUALLY sneaking around and totally avoids the cameras?
What did you think of Nick’s response? I saw him get a bit of shit on social media that he made it sound kinda like he was saying no just because it would make him look bad. But, I mean, how often is anyone casually dating five people who aren’t dating anyone else, while a third party has strongly suggested no one can have sex until the one person breaks up with all but, oh, say, three of them?
Ariel: I thought Nick’s response was fine, he said he respected his other relationships in the house too much to do that, and he had literally been through this already on a previous season and seen how much hurt and drama it caused! So I think it was completely fair.
Matthew: Anything else we want to discuss or are we just about wrapping things up? Danielle also got sent home, which is a shame because I finally recognize who she is now. Also every single date took place on a boat. I could never go on this show. I’d be sunburned to a crisp the entire time.
Ariel: HAHAHAHA SO MANY BOAT DATES!
At first Vanessa was like, “I’ve never been on a boat!” And I was floored, but I think later she clarified it was her first time on a yacht, so I’m less shocked.
Danielle seemed really nice, but if Nick is saying that conversation didn’t flow, you know there’s an issue since 95% of all conversations are just like, “How do you feel? I’m happy we’re on this date.” And the other 5% is a contestant recounting a difficult memory from the past.
God, such a big chunk of the episode was just dedicated to Corinne being convinced she was getting sent home! And the boat dates! Did anything else even happen?
Matthew: Only thing I have to add about the Danielle date is that it featured someone saying “your face is pretty great”, which is not a detail we can simply leave out.
We Give Out Our Own Roses (For Acting The Most And The Least Like An Adult)
Ariel: Okay SO least adult was Corinne when Vanessa gets the group date and she starts making embarrassing/jealous comments about it. Insert, “Do you call these immature?” Gif
Most adult was Vanessa’s reaction to this where she just like keeps it together and is clearly like, I am NOT going to let anyone detract from my happiness. And I think she says something like, “Well then! I’m still really excited.” I enjoyed that.
Matthew: Those are really good ones. It’s cheating, but I have to give out the same least adult rose to Corinne. I get that Corinne is stressed out that she’s never been picked for a one-on-one date and Vanessa has her condescending moments, but she mocks Vanessa about being a teacher for special-needs children? Even by Corinne standards, that was a low point.
My rose for acting most like an adult is gonna go to Kristina. Getting dumped sucks, and I’m definitely NOT trying to say that crying over a breakup isn’t “adult”. But what could potentially get dicey is anger, and goddamn if Kristina didn’t control her anger, carefully chose her words, and leave Nick knowing that she’s entitled to her feelings too, and exactly what those feelings were. It isn’t easy to keep your cool when you’re telling someone you feel like they did you wrong.
Ariel: I didn’t get when Kristina said Nick never even gave her a chance, she made it to the final six…what other chances did he need to give her? He clearly wished he was feeling more of a connection with her because he felt like she was a catch. Definitely agree she handled herself well.
Matthew: I mean, they had, what, one date? It’s a weird show.
Ariel: True, but technically Corinne had the one date…and it was the awful two on one.
Matthew: Oh god that was an abysmal date. But it’s still a weird mindset to go into? Not to generalize, but I’m pretty sure most people don’t go on group dates.
So to take a step back, I’m not 100% sure why Kristina told Nick that he didn’t give her a chance, specifically. I’m not Kristina and I can only guess why she felt that. But what felt mature to me was that she walked a fine line between taking it well and being entitled to her anger. That is not an easy balance.
Ariel: WHAT. YOU DON’T GO ON GROUP DATES TO FARMS??????
(Yeah, girl deserves that adult rose!)
Matthew: WELL, I’M GOING TO NOW.
Oh my god, just imagine inviting, like, seven tinder dates all on one date with just you. And then telling them they have to shovel cow shit. That’s the date you planned for all eight of you.
(For those of you who haven’t actually been watching this season, yep, that was a real date. Romance.)
AND UGH I JUST REMEMBERED. This has nothing to do with maturity, but I gotta give an honorable mention rose to Raven for, when learning that they were going to swim with sharks in the ocean, assuring the viewer that if need be she’s totally prepared to punch a shark in the face. That’s worth SOMETHING.
Ariel: YES.
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