Calendar Girl (June) Chapter 5: The Return of Robot Mia

Calendar Girl (June) Chapter 5:

Warren catches Mia and Kathleen in his secret shrine to his late wife:

“Sorry, Warren. I got curious. It was the only door in the whole house that was locked. Now I know why. Kathleen was just telling me how inappropriate it was for me to enter your private space.”

Mia is truly the worst employee and cover-upper of inappropriate workplace activities.

“Your secret is safe with me,” I added and moved to the hallway. “Uh, my foot hurts, so I’m going to turn in.”

Warren must have gotten over his shock at being caught with a shrine to his dead wife and stopped me with a hand to my arm. “What happened to you?”

I could accept he’s over the shock, but not so much that he’s got the attitude of, “Oh, Mia, you rascal!” It’s very nice that he’s concerned about her foot, but how is he not acting standoffish at all after discovering this huge invasion of privacy?

I was getting tired of holding it up, when he lifted me up in a princess hold and set me back on my cart. “Convenient this food cart with wheels is sitting right here, isn’t it?” His bushy eyebrows lowered in a frown.

Oh no! The jig is up! He’s going to figure out that Mia had an accomplice and that this was their getaway vehicle.

“Um, yeah. I was going to find the kitchen and make myself a meal, but trying to hop on one foot and carry a plate would have been a disaster.” I smacked the metal cart and was satisfied when it made a gong noise.

Damn, she’s smooth.

“Uh-huh,” he mumbled, unconvinced. Based on his tone, I didn’t think he bought my layer of lies, but so far, he hadn’t stopped me.

Kathleen, however, wasn’t about to play games. “Sorry, Mr. Shipley. I’ll take Mia back to her room to rest.”

“I expect to see you back at my room so we can discuss this, Kitten.”

Coupled with the discovery of the shrine to his late wife, that last line sounds so sinister.

Kathleen rolls Mia away on their getaway cart, and playfully tells her she’s getting her into all kinds of trouble. Rascal Mia at it again!

Somehow Mia makes this all about herself:

That shrine proved he was, in fact, not over Aaron’s mother. Maybe some people just never got over their first love. Shit, I hoped that wasn’t the case. I’d had a pretty shitty first love. I’d had a lot of pretty stellar dives in the crap pool that was my love life.

This is really a stretch. Besides Wes, there isn’t any guy from Mia’s past that she’s not over, at least not one she’s mentioned in 5 1/2 novellas. The only ex she mentions is Blaine and that’s usually just to remind us that the stakes are high in this story. Why would she abstractly worry about not being over her first love when this has not been an issue?

My phone buzzed in my back pocket, startlingly loud against the metal of the cart. Both Kathleen and I jumped out of our skin and then laughed about the silliness of the situation. We’d been caught trespassing into a very whacked-out, secret space. She was pushing me around the McMansion on a food cart after I’d permanently marked my own body, and now we were scared of things that buzzed in the night. The scene was comical.

Hey look, guys, Robot!Mia is back! “Beep. Boop. Initiating humour sequence.” “Damn it, there’s something wrong with Mia’s programming, this scene isn’t comical at all!”

I’m starting to wonder if Calendar Girl is the story of a group of engineers trying to create the perfect escort robot, complete with a “compelling” backstory and and each month is a different experiment to test her progress.

Later, Mia gets a text from Wes, which naturally leads to a sexting session, which naturally leads to Mia repeating all her usual Wes related concerns to us and Wes.

Based on what I see in this scene, I suspect that Wes is also a robot that is struggling to sound human:

I dreamed about you last night. We were in my pool again. Sky was nothing but midnight and bright stars. You were laid out, legs spread wide, and my mouth was doing that thing you loved. Remember that?

Mia had, of course, forgotten about oral sex until Wes heroically reminded her with his bizarrely worded text. This is all Mia needs to start sending sexy pics to Wes and telling us,

He couldn’t get enough of my body, and often, when he was insane with lust, he’d hold on to me like I was the last woman on Earth. Roughly and with manly intent.

This sounds like Wes is trying to impregnate Mia to save the human race. I can’t think of a manlier intent than that.

Play with your hot little clit. I’ll bet it’s hard as a rock for me. Small, tight, rounded flesh. If I was there, I’d lick it until you came. I’d swirl my tongue around that hot button of nerves and suck so hard your legs would clamp around my head, caging me in, keeping me there.

Wes sounds like a mix between a medical textbook and a sexy random word generator. Also these texts must be taking him forever to write.

I’m imagining your taste and stroking my cock thinking of you, of your pussy. Your cunt would be warm, sweet, and juicy, like a peach off the tree.

No no that sounds like there’s something wrong if her vagina inspires this comparison. Also, why a peach off the tree? Is this different to a peach from the grocery store? This dirty talk is so specific!

I know that greedy pussy. It wants to be jammed full of hard cock.

STOP. No more describing vaginas as ‘greedy’. Surely the world can stand together and put a stop to this awful abuse of language.

Mia calls Wes to talk about Their Feelings, but Mia winds up just recapping the “plot” to this book so far, and then the book alludes to them having phone sex. A productive call indeed!