Christian continues to wonder whether Ana will agree to marry him after a half an hour of dating, and twelve million hours of screaming about how Ana drives cars and how much Christian hates condoms. Also, Christian decides he should buy a house for himself and Ana without talking to her about it at all. True love!
Darker Chapter 8 (Part 2):
The driveway is longer than I thought. To one side there’s an overgrown meadow. It’s big enough to install a tennis court or basketball court— or both.
Oh darling, whichever will you choose? I guess since the mega rich don’t have to worry about problems like can I afford this house for me and my significant other? they have to manufacture problems like what will happen if I spring this upon my significant other without warning.
This abruptly leads to a flashback where Elliot tries to get Christian to play basketball with him…and Christian reluctantly agrees. It’s barely ten lines. I have no idea what it’s doing here!
Let me just casually skip over the boring description that I think is meant to be house porn.
Christian starts alluding to the fact that he would like to but the property and build his own house that’s ecologically sustainable. Too little, too late, Grey. I still think you’re icky.
“Can we look around the house?”
“Sure.” I shrug.
Why does she want to look around?
Gosh yeah what a good question. Why would Ana possibly want to look around the house you brought her too that you might purchase?
Olga Kelly is in her element as she takes us through the numerous rooms, describing the features of each. Why Ana wants to see the whole house is a mystery to me.
Okay, even if you were 100% certain you were going to demolish the house, I feel like basic curiosity is as good a reason as any?
Ana suggests that they just make the existing house ecologically sustainable. Christian considers this. We follow them on a tour of the house. I never actually watched the film of Darker. Was there a twenty minute interlude where they just wandered around a house having rich people problems?
Without any protest, Ana agrees that they should buy the house, and Christian decides this must mean she’s not leaving. Aragh.
On the car ride home they have a typical Fifty Shades discussion:
“You’ll put Escala on the market?”
“Why would I do that?”
“To pay for—” She stops.
“Trust me, I can afford it.”
“Do you like being rich?”
I can’t follow the logic of this either. You can’t possibly convince me that Ana thought for a second Christian couldn’t purchase multiple houses right now without selling…one car. And do you like being rich? Their conversation always sparkles so.
Christian tells Ana she needs to learn how to be rich. Maybe that’s the plot Fifty Shades Freed? Maybe that’s the real plot OF THIS WHOLE SERIES!
They go to celebrate Ana’s promotion. I know that Christian has assured her it’s because of her own merits, but I’m pretty sure she’s been at the job for less than a week. The whole thing is hysterical.
They go out to dinner, and Christian tells Ana to go take her panties off. Sure! Why not! Nothing else is going on this chapter. He feeds Ana oysters to get her worked up.
I eat another, then feed her one more.
“Hmm …” she says, and the sound resonates the length of my cock.
I’m pretty sure that doesn’t make any sense. Even if it was grammatically correct and made sense, I don’t see what’s particularly sexy about this “Hmm.” Then again I feel that about most of the book so shrug.
The rest of their food arrives and becomes a pawn in the battle between Christian and Ana to seduce one another.
She’s toying with me. “I know what you’re doing.”
“I know that you know, Mr. Grey. That’s the point.” She takes an asparagus stalk between her fingers and, with a sideways glance at me, dips the spear into the hollandaise sauce and swirls it around and around.
I AM SCREAMING! I can’t believe this is the sexy-asparagus-eating chapter!
I had totally forgotten this happened. But what insights does Christian have for us?
“Wider,” I command, and she bites her bottom lip but complies, easing the stalk into her mouth and sucking.
Fuck.
It might as well be my cock.
HE DID NOT DISAPPOINT! In the original, I was never sure whether Christian would comprehend that Ana was basically performing fellatio on a piece of asparagus. But he got it! He totally drew the connection between the piece of asparagus and his penis!
They finish their meal and prepare to head home:
As we get into the elevator I take Ana’s elbow and steer her toward the far corner. I stand behind her and watch as other couples get in.
Hell.
Linc, Elena’s ex, joins us, wearing a shit brown suit.
What an asshole.
“Grey,” he acknowledges me. I nod, and I’m relieved when he turns around. The fact that he’s here, only inches away, makes what I’m about to do even more exciting.
The doors close and I kneel quickly, pretending to do up my shoelace. I place my hand around Ana’s ankle, and as I stand, I skim my hand up her calf, past her knee, and her thigh, to her ass. Her naked ass.
…Why specifically does Linc being there add to the sexiness?
And I kind of feel like there is no way Christian could be tricking anyone in this situation. I bet everyone else in the elevator is just dying inside, pretending this isn’t happening next to them. Poor Linc.
Christian continues to finger her and whisper about how sexy she is. Again, I’m almost positive everyone can fucking see and hear them. In fact more people have gotten into the elevator, so they’re probably all crowded closer together. Linc is still there, so as you can probably imagine, this is the hottest scene ever.
EVEN MORE PEOPLE GET IN THE ELEVATOR!
Oh, my greedy, greedy girl.
“Hush,” I breathe, and nuzzle her hair. I ease a second finger inside her and continue to pump them in and out. She tips her head back against my chest, exposing her throat. I want to kiss her, but that would draw too much attention to what we’re doing.
Yeah, no. You’re being super subtle now, you got this. Thumbs up, Christian.
Christian acknowledges that he can’t fuck Ana in the elevator no matter how much he wants to. Because Linc is there, I assume.
The elevator reaches the first floor, and Christian is proud of Ana for not giving up the game. But what of Linc?
Linc turns and nods as he leaves with a woman who I assume is his present wife.
Gosh what an asshole! No wonder he makes Christian so horny. Okay, bye, Linc!
They get home, and Christian teases Ana sexually because she won’t agree to be his wife yet. She…asks for more time. She still has to learn how to be rich, Christian, can’t you see!
It’s okay because they fuck anyway.
We stand in the foyer holding each other. We’re under the careful watch of the women in my Madonna and Child paintings that line the walls.
I think they approve of my girl.
WHAT!!! Why would…WHAT KIND OF DETAIL IS THIS?
Um. We discover that Linc is in the elevator while Christian finger-blasts Ana? This is new information and adds to the story… how? Why?
I’d rather make oral love to asparagus in hollandaise sauce than read this fucking crap.
Anastasia Steele: approved by the Catholic church
Were our mind supposed to be blown by the reveal that his ex-molester’s ex-husband was in the elevator with them during the finger-banging scene? Like, the rare occasions when we actually get new info from Christian’s POV in these books it’s almost always pointless and weird crap like this.
And how the ever-loving-fuck is it supposed to make the elevator fingering even hotter??? I really, truly want to know how ELJ’s brain works sometimes, if only to know just how she makes these bizarre connections like “fingering my new gf in the presence of the ex of the woman who cheated on him with me when I was underage = super-sexy pseudo-revenge”. I mean, I can only assume that revenge was what he was going for…
Never go to an elevator if Christian Grey is there
He’s even worse on escalators. The guy has ZERO concerns about privacy.
“Linc, Elena’s ex, joins us, wearing a shit brown suit.”
An extremely classy observation.
Also I hate to be that guy but Escala is either the apartment or the building Christian currently lives in. Ana assumes that Christian would sell his current home to move to a new home, like a normal person, forgetting that Christian is not a normal person. (I mean maybe I’m too much of a pleb to get it but owning multiple homes has always seemed pointless and wasteful to me.)
God, the writing in this book is so criminally unsexy. That whole asparagus bit is like the scene in Friends where Monica tries to be sexy by rubbing carrots on her hip, but played straight somehow. And “hmm, she says”? Really, James? You couldn’t write that she moans softly, or she hums her enjoyment and Christian feels the vibration in his fingers as they brush against her lips, or anything more sensual than, “”Hmm…” she says”? I can’t imagine erotica more dry than fifty shades of grey.
Oh man. Like… this sounds like a 14 year old boy saw a woman eat a piece of asparagus in a restaurant, and because he’s 14 instantly gets a boner, thus always getting a boner around vegetables. What I want to know is, what is E L James’ excuse, being a grown as adult?
I forgot both that this asparagus scene happened, and that Jojo had some bomb ass gowns in her season.