Darker (Chapter 9): Christian’s Helicopter Crashes, But It’s Fine

Previously, Ana mimed giving a blow job with a piece of asparagus. Fifty Shades sure is living its truth, I guess.

Darker: Chapter 9

FRIDAY, JUNE 17, 2011

While last chapter started with Christian having a dream/flashback, this chapter starts with Ana having dream-symbolism.

She’s beside me and I think she’s asleep. “Flying too close,” she whimpers. […] “Icarus,” she says.

As much as I love how E L James just had to somehow include Ana‘s deeply symbolic dreams in Christian’s story somehow, the best part of this is how somehow this is too subtle for Christian Grey.

“Benefit of the doubt,” she says. And her face relaxes.
Benefit of the doubt?
Is this about me?

Gosh, this is a thinker.

Christian’s brother Elliot texts him to invite him out for drinks with Ana, Kate, and Jose, with “I’m back and you’re getting your beer on tonight Bro.” “Bro” is capitalized. I don’t know why I needed to include this in my summary, but it felt very important.

This is yet another chapter that depicts a busy day of Christian Grey doing whatever the fuck his job is supposed to be, which means we get a slew of unimportant scenes with either no details about what’s even going on or an excessive amount of technical details.

• Christian has a meeting with his girlfriend’s college roommate’s father, who was someone Christian was already doing business with and I always forget about. “The meeting goes well.” Thanks for the update, Christian.
• Christian asks his lawyer Ros to help him buy the house he looked at yesterday. Christian buys the house.
• Christian also asks his lawyer about his assistant’s husband’s H-1B visa and whether he can help him obtain a green card. Thank god Fifty Shades finally weighed in on immigration issues with its brave stance of “Christian has lots of money”.
• Christian and Ros fly his helicopter too close to the sun?????? to Vancouver.
• Christian goes to a meeting with the soil science lab at a university he donates to and has a lengthy conversation where E L James explains nitrogen fixation to us in her erotic romance novel. You know what? Fuck it. You guys need to understand how boring this is. Let’s learn about fucking nitrogen fixation.

The professor is in full flow. “We’ve been able to isolate the DNA of the microbe that’s responsible for nitrogen fixation.”
“What does that mean, exactly?” I ask.

“I’M GLAD YOU ASKED,” said E L James, apparently.

“In layman’s terms, Mr. Grey, nitrogen fixation is essential for soil diversity, and as you know, diverse soils recover from shocks like drought far more quickly. We can now study how to activate the DNA in the microbes that live in the soil in the sub-Saharan region. In a nutshell, we’ll be able to get the soil to hold its nutrients for far longer, making it more productive per hectare.
“Our results will be published in the Soil Science Society of America Journal in a couple of months. We’re sure to double our funding once the article comes out,” Professor Choudury says. “And we’ll need to get your input on potential funding sources that align with your philanthropic objectives.”

I know all y’all are waiting for me to say something snarky about how accurate “we isolated the DNA and that means we can activate the DNA and therefore soil” is, but what’s really important here is that E L James really thought her readers had such a big boner for Christian’s philanthropy that we needed this much technical detail about it. Or have such a big boner for nitrogen fixation. Are… are there nitrogen fixation fetishists? Even then, I feel like the venn diagram of people aroused by Fifty Shades and nitrogen fixation is probably two separate circles. WHO IS THIS FOR?

Anyway, Christian and Ros fly back to Seattle. Christian takes them on a detour to see Mount St. Helens. “Haha, why? Because E L James is dying that Ana isn’t there for Christian to have someone to show stuff off to and caved?” Oh, dear reader, did you learn nothing from our adventures in nitrogen fixation?

“Wow! It’s so much bigger than I thought,” says Ros as we get nearer.
It’s an impressive sight. […] The north wall has gone, a casualty of the 1980 eruption.

The more Fifty Shades we read, less and less of its kink is BDSM and more and more of its kink is tangentially relevant technical details. And late capitalism.

Hey, quick question: do you remember that time Christian Grey went missing for three pages and it was very dramatic for three pages?

Out of the corner of my eye I see the master caution light flicker.
What the fuck?
The fire light in the engine T-handle flashes, and Charlie Tango dips.
Shit. We have a fire in engine one.

Things get even worse.

I’m about to radio a distress signal when the second engine fire light flashes.
Motherfucking hell!

It’s very tense.

I’m trying to maintain speed to keep the rotors spinning. We hurtle toward the ground.
Ana. Ana? Will I see her again?

Christian saves the day.

We crash-land, tail first, on the edge of the clearing, the EC135 skidding and bumping across the terrain before she comes to a complete stop

But more importantly, apparently excessive, dry technical details get Fifty Shades readers hard, soooooooo

I activate the second fire bottle, shut down the engine and the fuel valves, and apply the rotor brake. I switch off all electrics […] I grab the fire extinguisher beside me, scramble out my side, and run to the back of the cabin to spray CO2 over the smoking engines.

Mmmm yeah, spray that CO2, specifically. Tell me more, baby.

Christian notices that Ros is freaked out by what happened, but they’re not out of danger yet. They aren’t getting any cell phone service, and they can’t wait around the helicopter in its current state.

“Let’s move away. I’ve done an emergency shutdown on all the systems, but there’s enough fuel on board to give Mount St. Helens a run for her money should it go up.”

I love when you can just tell that E L James was really proud of something she wrote.

I scratch my head.
Both engines?
It’s rare for both to go.

This is commented by on Christian and other characters approximately seven thousand times over the course of the rest of the chapter, just in case you didn’t pick up on how this is rather suspicious. Even though no one is reading this book who didn’t already read Fifty Shades Darker and already knows it was suspicious.

They decide they’d rather make their way to the road and hitchhike than wait around for however long it takes for anyone to come searching for them. They get picked up by a semi.

“Do you have a mobile?” I ask Seb.
“No way. I want my ex-wife to leave me alone. When I’m out in the cab it’s just me and the road.”
I nod.

Amazingly, despite being a total cliche, Seb easily clears the low, low bar for being one of the most interesting characters in Fifty Shades.

“You guys hungry? I have some kale and quinoa wraps in the fridge left over from my lunch.” [He turns on the radio] to a jazz station.

I didn’t say he was actually interesting. Just more interesting. Christian Grey is certainly all “OMG a trucker? Who likes kale and jazz? This man contains multitudes!” E L James just learned about juxtaposition is all that’s happened here.

Seb gets them back to Seattle, and there’s a whole scene where Christian is surprised by the paparazzi outside his home and by his entire family gathered in his home, has yet another “omg my family… loves me???” moment again. We’ve seen it a billion times, but we’re only on book two of three, so of course it won’t sink in this time either.

“So, what the fuck happened to you? First I knew was when Dad called me to say the chopper was missing.”
“Elliot!” Grace admonishes him.
“Helicopter!” For fuck’s sake, Elliot. I hate the word “chopper.” He knows that.

Ya know… I’ve spent like five years of my life writing about how disjointed E L James’ dialogue is, wondering if she’s ever had a conversation with a human person… but by this point I just wonder what it’d be like to, I dunno, pick out a something to watch on Netflix with E L James.

“What kind of movie are you in the mood for?”
“Maybe something exciting?”
“Ok, like a thriller or a horror movie?”
“Oh! Boss Baby is on Netflix!”
“Well, first, I think that’s more of a comedy-”
“Did you ever watch Gilmore Girls?”
“That’s a tv show. I don’t wanna watch a tv show.”
“Ross and Rachel never should have wound up together.”
“Why are we talking about-”
“The geopolitical situation in the middle east is very contentious. What do you know about nitrogen fixation?”

“Both engines?” Carrick mutters again, with disbelief.

Everyone pretend to be very surprised when you learn that the helicopter was sabotaged. Again. In this book you’ve already read once.

Eventually everyone is satisfied that their dearly beloved Christian is alive and goes home. Christian, exhausted from the day, decides it’s probably ok to leave Jose in the same room as Ana. Not because he trusts her judgment or anything:

I turn and leave him with my girl.
He’d be a fool to try anything now.
And I’m hungry.

The chapter ends with Christian revealing to Ana that he had her birthday present to him – still in its gift wrap – with him throughout the entire ordeal. And then the scene ends so I guess he explained that exactly at midnight. Good timing.