Honestly, I wish I could just copy/paste every single line for you all. We go through an itemised list of each and every side character in this story, and it is GLORIOUS. It’s a real who’s who the fuck!
Alec is currently splitting his time between his two French femme fatales who simultaneously claim to be pregnant with his child( ren).
Okay so I looked up the exact definition of femme fatales to see if my reading of this was correct. The first definition that came up is: “a seductive woman who lures men into dangerous or compromising situations.” Is this implying that these two women lured Alec into the dangerous situation of fatherhood? Is it also implying both women are lying and it’s not feasible that they are both pregnant with his child?
Also we’re essentially told that Alec is still arting, so. Yeah.
Hector and Tony are “living the American dream.” Their frozen food has “surpassed all other frozen meals as the leader in ‘frozen food that tastes good’ as their tagline claims”.
Every Fasano is now a multi-millionaire, including Mama Fasano.
What a relief!
And don’t worry, their story would also not be complete without parenthood in the mix.
They married shortly after Mia and Wes and hired a young college girl who agreed to be a surrogate, donating two eggs to be fertilized by sperm from each man so that they would both have a biological child.
Man, this series is obsessed with being biologically related.
Now for Mason and Rachel!
Mace and Rach currently have three children who keep Rachel busy while her husband continues setting records in baseball.
Wait…how far in the future is this meant to be written? Surely this narrator would know if Alec had really impregnated those femme fatales or not! And who is this narrator? They are weirdly casual throwing those nicknames around.
And of course the children keep Rachel busy while Mason is out there being a man.
Now for Tai and Amy!
Had a lavish Hawaiian wedding complete with fire dancing, hula, and traditional Samoan flare. Amy has been spitting out mini-Tais ever since. After four boys, Amy was finally granted a blond haired, blue-eyed goddess they named Natia, a Samoan name, which literally translated means hidden treasure.
Aw. So great another female character was just a warm womb!
Now for…Warren and Kathleen (honestly I forgot those two existed. Warren’s son was the one who assaulted Mia…do you think there will be a where-is-he-now for that dude? I sure hope the answer is prison). Anyway, they travel and their charity is going well. Cool.
OMG AARON SHIPLEY DOES HAVE HIS OWN SECTION! COMING AT YOU LIVE WITH MY REACTIONS!
Was impeached by the House of Representatives and convicted in the Senate not long after his trouble with Mia.
HIS TROUBLE WITH MIA? Seriously, who the fuck is this narrator? I hate them?
He is currently serving time in a privately run federal minimum security prison up in Bakersfield, California.
I’m screaming! I knew it! It was for embezzling money, though. Of course.
Now for Anton and Heather!
Spent the last ten years topping every hip-hop chart known to the music industry.
Oh…so this is ten years later? But more importantly…
They both spend their days and nights working and raising their daughter they aptly named Fate. The two are, and will always be, best friends, which ultimately led them to the decision to have a child together before they were too old.
Even the PLATONIC friendship ended in parenthood. I’m laughing so hard right now. For a hot second I thought it was going to be like, “They produced awesome music together! And now let’s find out what Gin is up to!”
This child was the product of in vitro fertilization.
I can’t breathe. This narrator is so strange. I feel weirdly like I was just told private information by the town gossip that I really didn’t want to know.
Both are happy to share a home with their daughter while they take turns playing the field.
WOW okay. Thanks, gossipy narrator. Didn’t need to know that.
Max and Cyndi are parents and Max is running the business. Seriously. The narrator just whines about how Max only has one son but Cyndi refuses to have more kids.
BLAINE PINTERO COMES NEXT! The order in which we hear about these characters makes no sense. Why is Blaine coming after Max and Cyndi? Why is Blaine in this?
Blaine and his goons are also in prison…for planting a bomb that killed ten people.
Those ten lives were all drug dealers, sex traffickers, money launderers, and known murders with warrants out for their arrest. Really, it was a win-win.
Oh my god is this for real? Seriously, this narrator is out of control. Who is it? They sound bananas enough to be Wes.
Michael Saunders…who is Mia’s father (seriously, I had completely blanked on who Michael Saunders was). He’s a janitor now. He doesn’t gamble, and he goes to AA. I’m proud of him.
Mia and Madison have very little contact with their father at this time.
Thank you, narrator who has suddenly become the PR person for Mia and Madison. Seriously, when is this taking place?
DR DREW HOFFMAN IS NEXT! Why the fuck…who the fuck…Come on! Literally all we’re told is that he has been divorced six times and is still famous…Why is this in here?
Kathy Rowlinski— Climbed the corporate ladder and now runs Century Productions as Chief Executive Officer, has a McMansion in Beverly Hills, and married her hot male assistant.
WHOMEST THE FUCKEST?
Kent and Meryl Banks— Are living their lives as they always have been.
I just laughed so hard I was clutching my sides. “Where are they now? Same old, same old.” Also they visit their grandchildren now.
Mia’s aunt still runs her escort service and now has a serious boyfriend.
Ginelle! She runs a successful dance school now.
She had made her way through several good and bad relationships until finally running into a man she couldn’t refuse, run away from, or hide from.
Okay then!
Madison and Matt:
Madison and her husband have a son named Mitchell and are currently expecting their second son. The child is yet to be named as the couple is squabbling about using another “M” name.
I would expect nothing else.
And now for Mia and Wes! They have two kids, and they wrote a film together called Calendar Girl dontcha know. And it made “three hundred million in ticket sales the first week”. This narrator is definitely a delusional Wes, I’m sure of it.
The couple enjoy their days surfing, playing with their children, working on their newest film, and making love to the sound of the ocean under the cover of nightfall.
I’m so glad I’m clear on the ambiance of their love making. Now I have all the answers I need to truly move on from this series.