Honestly, I wish I could just copy/paste every single line for you all. We go through an itemised list of each and every side character in this story, and it is GLORIOUS. It’s a real who’s who the fuck!
Alec is currently splitting his time between his two French femme fatales who simultaneously claim to be pregnant with his child( ren).
Okay so I looked up the exact definition of femme fatales to see if my reading of this was correct. The first definition that came up is: “a seductive woman who lures men into dangerous or compromising situations.” Is this implying that these two women lured Alec into the dangerous situation of fatherhood? Is it also implying both women are lying and it’s not feasible that they are both pregnant with his child?
Also we’re essentially told that Alec is still arting, so. Yeah.
Hector and Tony are “living the American dream.” Their frozen food has “surpassed all other frozen meals as the leader in ‘frozen food that tastes good’ as their tagline claims”.
Every Fasano is now a multi-millionaire, including Mama Fasano.
What a relief!
And don’t worry, their story would also not be complete without parenthood in the mix.
They married shortly after Mia and Wes and hired a young college girl who agreed to be a surrogate, donating two eggs to be fertilized by sperm from each man so that they would both have a biological child.
Man, this series is obsessed with being biologically related.
Now for Mason and Rachel!
Mace and Rach currently have three children who keep Rachel busy while her husband continues setting records in baseball.
Wait…how far in the future is this meant to be written? Surely this narrator would know if Alec had really impregnated those femme fatales or not! And who is this narrator? They are weirdly casual throwing those nicknames around.
And of course the children keep Rachel busy while Mason is out there being a man.
Now for Tai and Amy!
Had a lavish Hawaiian wedding complete with fire dancing, hula, and traditional Samoan flare. Amy has been spitting out mini-Tais ever since. After four boys, Amy was finally granted a blond haired, blue-eyed goddess they named Natia, a Samoan name, which literally translated means hidden treasure.
Aw. So great another female character was just a warm womb!
Now for…Warren and Kathleen (honestly I forgot those two existed. Warren’s son was the one who assaulted Mia…do you think there will be a where-is-he-now for that dude? I sure hope the answer is prison). Anyway, they travel and their charity is going well. Cool.
OMG AARON SHIPLEY DOES HAVE HIS OWN SECTION! COMING AT YOU LIVE WITH MY REACTIONS!
Was impeached by the House of Representatives and convicted in the Senate not long after his trouble with Mia.
HIS TROUBLE WITH MIA? Seriously, who the fuck is this narrator? I hate them?
He is currently serving time in a privately run federal minimum security prison up in Bakersfield, California.
I’m screaming! I knew it! It was for embezzling money, though. Of course.
Now for Anton and Heather!
Spent the last ten years topping every hip-hop chart known to the music industry.
Oh…so this is ten years later? But more importantly…
They both spend their days and nights working and raising their daughter they aptly named Fate. The two are, and will always be, best friends, which ultimately led them to the decision to have a child together before they were too old.
Even the PLATONIC friendship ended in parenthood. I’m laughing so hard right now. For a hot second I thought it was going to be like, “They produced awesome music together! And now let’s find out what Gin is up to!”
This child was the product of in vitro fertilization.
I can’t breathe. This narrator is so strange. I feel weirdly like I was just told private information by the town gossip that I really didn’t want to know.
Both are happy to share a home with their daughter while they take turns playing the field.
WOW okay. Thanks, gossipy narrator. Didn’t need to know that.
Max and Cyndi are parents and Max is running the business. Seriously. The narrator just whines about how Max only has one son but Cyndi refuses to have more kids.
BLAINE PINTERO COMES NEXT! The order in which we hear about these characters makes no sense. Why is Blaine coming after Max and Cyndi? Why is Blaine in this?
Blaine and his goons are also in prison…for planting a bomb that killed ten people.
Those ten lives were all drug dealers, sex traffickers, money launderers, and known murders with warrants out for their arrest. Really, it was a win-win.
Oh my god is this for real? Seriously, this narrator is out of control. Who is it? They sound bananas enough to be Wes.
Michael Saunders…who is Mia’s father (seriously, I had completely blanked on who Michael Saunders was). He’s a janitor now. He doesn’t gamble, and he goes to AA. I’m proud of him.
Mia and Madison have very little contact with their father at this time.
Thank you, narrator who has suddenly become the PR person for Mia and Madison. Seriously, when is this taking place?
DR DREW HOFFMAN IS NEXT! Why the fuck…who the fuck…Come on! Literally all we’re told is that he has been divorced six times and is still famous…Why is this in here?
Kathy Rowlinski— Climbed the corporate ladder and now runs Century Productions as Chief Executive Officer, has a McMansion in Beverly Hills, and married her hot male assistant.
WHOMEST THE FUCKEST?
Kent and Meryl Banks— Are living their lives as they always have been.
I just laughed so hard I was clutching my sides. “Where are they now? Same old, same old.” Also they visit their grandchildren now.
Mia’s aunt still runs her escort service and now has a serious boyfriend.
Ginelle! She runs a successful dance school now.
She had made her way through several good and bad relationships until finally running into a man she couldn’t refuse, run away from, or hide from.
Okay then!
Madison and Matt:
Madison and her husband have a son named Mitchell and are currently expecting their second son. The child is yet to be named as the couple is squabbling about using another “M” name.
I would expect nothing else.
And now for Mia and Wes! They have two kids, and they wrote a film together called Calendar Girl dontcha know. And it made “three hundred million in ticket sales the first week”. This narrator is definitely a delusional Wes, I’m sure of it.
The couple enjoy their days surfing, playing with their children, working on their newest film, and making love to the sound of the ocean under the cover of nightfall.
I’m so glad I’m clear on the ambiance of their love making. Now I have all the answers I need to truly move on from this series.
The author is basically telling the readers that in order to have a healthy relationship, children must be made.
BIOLOGICAL children. By whatever means necessary. Forget “where are they now,” my questions concern the author’s mental state.
I’m pretty sure if you live in Beverly Hills, what you have is a MANSION, not a “McMansion”.
My reaction to all these segments were either ‘ugh’ or ‘who the fuck are they?’ There’s just so much horrible in this wrap up. Mostly Carlan’s almost pathological need to give everyone biological children. Which means of course Alec is the father of both children, no one is getting out of this series without at least one crotch spawn. Except maybe Gin and that’s only because from the sound of things she got tossed down a well by Buffalo Bill.
I know 98% of books like this involve babies as part of the happily ever after package but Carlan is so damn aggressive about it.
I am putting a metal band together just so I can name it Crotch Spawn.
I literally don’t know who half of these people are.
“After four boys, Amy was finally granted a blond haired, blue-eyed goddess they named Natia, a Samoan name, which literally translated means hidden treasure.”
Ah I see, so after four visibly Samoan children they “finally” have a white-passing kid, who is a “goddess” and is literally named hidden treasure. Okay! Sure! I guess since Gin is dating someone else now we really needed one last hurrah for racism?
And the author called the boys “mini-Tais” but the girl is like the mother. It seems racist and sexist, as if dark skinned girls doesn’t exist (and the boys’s name aren’t even mentioned)
And like, the way it’s phrased makes it sound like they were trying desperately for a blond, blue-eyed kid, like, oh, after all of these failed attempts it FINALLY happened. Like. How can a person write this.
Basically: BABIES, BABIES EVERYWHERE (and more racism)
Dear guys, I love you and this blog so much and don’t take enough time to tell you. So as an hommage, I’d like to humbly give my own version of “Where are they now” since this one is, you know, atrocious.
– Alec realized that he could never love anyone as much as his own revolting self and, certain that he wanted no children, advocated for reasearch into male contraception before eventually getting a vasectomy. He’s still doing shitty, pretentious art. Not even the French think it’s good. Actually, he’s seriously considering learning a little bit of actual French in hopes that it might help him get more recognition.
– Hector and Tony adopted two children, because who gives a fuck about being biologically related. Being parents made them a little more sensitive to the issue of highly-processed food being detrimental to the health and environment, so the Fasanos stopped making crappy frozen food and went back to actually cooking in restaurants, because these things are very much not the same job, and there’s more to life than everyone becoming millionnaires.
– Mason continued playing baseball, and Rachel never quitted her career, because she would have gone mental if she had been forced to live through their kids only. And she was right to, since they got divorced shortly after the birth of their second child, when she finally realized that woman’s fate on earth is not to hope and change every douchebag dudebro for the better.
– Tai and Amy also procreated and, since babies don’t work in real life as they do in “Lady and the Tramp”, their kids took after both of them, and Amy taught them to punch in the throat anyone who’d start fetichizing them for being mixed-race.
– Warren continued to enjoy the company of other rich old white dudes and make himself feel holier-then-thou with charities that actually created more problems than they solved. Aaron was sentenced for the attempted rape of Mia. Even though she pressed charges a few month after the assault, she was heard and believed by everyone, because this is a happy ending. Aaron then went to know short-lived stardom on troll masculinist websites, before disappearing into the void of the internet.
– Anton went on making shitty music, but the public was catching onto the atrocity of it all. Before long, he was accepting gigs in Dancing with the Stars and teens were asking their parents if there had seriously, seriously once been a singer who called himself Latin Lov-ah. Heather didn’t procreate with him, because why would she, but I don’t remember enough about her character to think of a witty end for her.
– Max went on to get much-needed therapy, which did wonders for his relationship with all the women in his life, since he no longer turned to them for fixing him. So did Mia’s dad and Mia’s mom. Lots and lots of help for everybody.
– Gina (she wasn’t in the original epilogue right? that sucks for her) took time to heal and eventuelly write about being a rape survivor. She tried to enlighten Hollywood producers about rape culture and how screwed-up it was for a female character to, say, only exist on order to be a rape victim and then most of the focus of the plot being a man’s trauma over it instead of hers. Some actually listened to the points she made.
– Blaine hadn’t been saved by Mia’s magical vagina, which basically meant he was hopeless and would never become a worthy human being. So he died a Kenny-style death I guess, being eaten by rats or something.
– Ginelle found out that her racist fetichization and creepy obsession with the word “cock” meant she could become a huge star in writing cheap, badly-plotted smut with embarrassing sex scenes. She became famous with her groundbreaking 7-books love story involving a bland, virginal female character who became enamoured with a hot millionaire who had a super dark secret. This might have gone on and on, had she not stumbled upon a blog that tore apart such books. She spent all night reading it. Then the night turned into a week. At the end, she finally saw the errors of her way, and was forever changed.
– Madison had a nice, boring life juggling career and kids. She saw as little of her obnoxious sister as possible.
– Mia woke up one day to find out that Wes’s constant screams of “Mine, mine, all mine” reminded her of the seagulls in Finding Nemo, and instantly stopped being aroused by him. Since their realtionship was built on little more than sexual attraction, all that remained was the horrible toxicity of it all. She realized that on her road to finding herself, she had completely lost track of, well, herself. Wes whined and bitched and went through the whole playbook of emotional blackmail, but she swiftly divorced his sorry ass. She then realized that discovering who you are doesn’t stop at sexual exploration. She started to read a lot. To use Twitter. This opened her eyes to the fucked-up ways of capitalism, patriarchy, and patriotism. There’s no happier end than that.
THIS. IS. SO. AWESOME.
Honestly one of the greatest things I have ever read. I have been meaning to reply to this for ages and it keeps getting away from me, but like HOLY SHIT WOW THIS WAS AMAZING AND FAR BETTER THAN THE DUMPSTER FIRE OF A CHAPTER IT WAS BASED OFF OF!! 100000/10!!!
Dear guys, I love you and this blog so much and don’t take enough time to tell you. So as an hommage, I’d like to humbly give my own version of “Where are they now” since this one is, you know, atrocious.
– Alec realized that he could never love anyone as much as his own revolting self and, certain that he wanted no children, advocated for reasearch into male contraception before eventually getting a vasectomy. He’s still doing shitty, pretentious art. Not even the French think it’s good. Actually, he’s seriously considering learning a little but of actual French in hopes that it might help him get more recognition.
– Hector and Tony adopted two children, because who gives a fuck about being biologically related. Being parents made them a little more sensitive to the issue of highly-processed food being detrimental to the health and environment, so the Fasanos stopped making crappy frozen food and went back to actually cooking in restaurants, because these things are very much not the same job.
– Mason continued playing baseball, and Rachel never quitted her career, because she would have gone mental if she had been forced to live through their kids only. And she was right to, since they got divorced shortly after the birth of their second child, when she realized that woman’s fate on earth is not to hope and change every douchebag dudebro for the better.
– Tai and Amy also procreated and, since babies don’t work in real life as they do in “Lady and the Tramp”, their kids took after both of them, and Amy taught them to punch in the throat anyone who’d start fetichizing them for being mixed-race.
– Warren continued to enjoy the company of other rich old white dudes and make himself feel holier-then-thou with charities that actually created more problems than they solved. Aaron was sentenced for the attempted rape of Mia. Even though she pressed charges a few month after the assault, she was heard and believed by everyone. Aaron then went to know short-lived stardom on troll masculinist websites, before disappearing into the void of the internet.
– Anton went on making shitty music, but the public was catching onto the atrocity of it all. Before long, he was accepting gigs in Dancing with the Stars and teens were asking their parents if there had seriously, seriously once been a singer who called himself Latin Lov-ah. Heather didn’t procreate with him, because why would she, but I don’t remember enough about her character to think of a witty end for her.
– Max went on to get much-needed therapy, which did wonders for his relationship with all the women in his life, since he no longer turned to them for fixing him. So did Mia’s dad and Mia’s mom. Lots and lots of help for everybody.
– Gina (she wasn’t in the original epilogue right? that sucks for her) took time to heal and eventuelly write about being a rape survivor. She tried to enlighten Hollywood producers about rape culture and how screwed-up it was for a feamle character to, say, only exist on order to be a rape victim and then most of the trauma addressed by the plot being that of her ex. Some actually listened to the points she made.
– Blaine hadn’t been saved by Mia’s magical vagina, which basically meant he was hopeless and would never become a good person. So he died a Kenny-style death I guess, being eaten by rats or something.
– Ginelle found out that her racist fetichization and creepy obsession with the word “cock” meant she could become a huge star in writing cheap, badly-plotted smut with embarrassing sex scenes. She became super famous with her groundbreaking 7-books love story involving a bland, virginal female character who became enamoured with a hot millionaire who had a super dark secret. This might have gone on and on, had she not stumbled upon a blog that tore apart such books. She spent all night reading it. Then the night turned into a week. At the end, she finally saw the errors of her way, and was forever changed.
– Madison had a nice, boring life juggling career and kids. She saw as little of her obnoxious sister as possible.
– Mia woke up one day to find out that Wes’s constant screams of “Mine, mine, all mine” reminded her of the seagulls in Finding Nemo, and instantly stopped being aroused by him. Since their realtionship was built on little more than sexual attraction, all that remained was the horrible toxicity of it all. She realized that on her road to finding herself, she had completely lost track of, well, herself. Wes whined and bitched and went through the whole playbook of emotional blackmail, but she swiftly divorced his sorry ass. She then realized that discovering who you are doesn’t stop at sexual exploration. She started to read a lot. To use Twitter. This opened her eyes to the fucked-up ways of capitalism, patriarchy, and patriotism. There’s no happier end than that.
Goodness knows I’ve gone back through some of my older writing and cringed at the way I depicted characters different from me–and I’m very glad that it never saw the light of day. However, if I had decided to publish, I hope that any editor I hired would highlight those passages with a big ol’ “oh honey what are you even”. Carlan would have benefited enormously from a sensitivity reader who could point out the (hopefully unintentional) bad messages coming through, or even an editor who’d underline some of the more random people included on this list and ask “who?”
At most, I can only muster up a resigned sigh for the “babies for everyone” ending, since that’s pretty standard romance novel fare and it’s not like we’re looking to Carlan to break industry norms.
Did Gina really not warrant a mention here?! That’s petty even for Mia.