There is No Sex for Two Whole Chapters: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapters 10 & 11

I’m growing increasingly concerned with how often Fifty Shades of Grey is a conversational point for me. I just have so many things to say about this piece of crap!

I bought this really nice notebook at the beginning of the year to jot down random thoughts and ideas for books, but now it’s just full of Christian Grey penis jokes and hilarious quotes from this book. Depressing.

Summaries

10

This book excels at having it seem like so much is happening, but really they just went to a restaurant and talked about MILFs. Or, more specifically, MFILF (Mother’s Friend I’d Like to Fuck) You think this is a joke, but I am just stating a fact.

At the start of chapter ten, we meet Grace Trevelyan-Grey, Christian’s mom, and she seems happy to meet Ana despite what a misfit that gal is!

More importantly, in the span of four pages we get a double crap, three holy craps, and a crap. A lot of shit is going down. Ana can’t find the right clothes, then Jose calls, then Christian is pissy about Jose calling…man, this roller coaster is outta control.

Ana tries to hint to Christian that she wants to talk to Kate about a few things, even though the one contract she signed explicitly states that she can’t. Then when Christian suggests the internet, we get this reaction from Ana, “Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Kate’s laptop, and I couldn’t use the one at Clayton’s, not for this sort of “research” surely.”

I am stumped as to why James bothered with this incredibly distracting plot point. I can’t even think of anyone I know that doesn’t have access to the internet or a computer. After four years of college. FOUR YEARS. That is not one, not two, not three, but four fucking years of school. Ana pays “peanuts” for rent and has a job, she doesn’t spend tons of money on clothes, and she barely eats, and DOES NOT DRINK. Therefore she is not spending money on really anything. I don’t believe she would not have purchased a super cheap laptop. I don’t even believe the contrived bullshit I’m reading anymore. My grandmothers both use the internet. Jesus fuck.

So Christian and Ana go to get some food together, and Christian tells her about how at fifteen, his mom’s friend seduced him, and he was her submissive for six years. Another piece of the mysterious mystery that is Christian Grey is revealed, though this is not nearly as compelling as the information on his penis if number of searches is anything to judge by.

Kate and Ana have a heart to heart about sex, and Kate is mystified that Ana came during her first time. Man, if only she knew just how many times, she’d be way a lot impressed. Kate divulges that she is totes into Elliot and they had tons of sexual relations too! Besties dating brothers? Oh em gee!

Jose calls again and apologizes again, but also makes annoying comments about Christian because he’s a jealous dick. Then Ana angsts for like three pages about her decision and Christian. Sometimes when I read this book, so much pain fills my insides that I forget there’s a beautiful world outside my window. Sorry, shit just got real, but this chapter was really rough on me.

11

Ana opens an envelope and inside is The Contract. It’s actually pretty dull as contracts go. I’ll take this moment to apologize for repeatedly telling you how boring the book is right now, but seriously, nothing hilarious is happening! It’s just like “Everything will be consensual and sensual and no one will have HIV or the herp”, and it’s just a ton of pages of a straightforward contract!

It’s everything that we already knew from before, Ana has to listen to Christian, he is responsible for her well-being (remember her going to the gym, eating and sleeping right, and avoiding danger).

For now the contract is for three months, but they can extend it when the time comes. This seems significant enough to mention. Also safewords are introduced. “Yellow” is for the submissive to use when she’s close to her limit of endurance, and “red” is for when she can’t tolerate anything more.

Then there are two pages that were just copy pasted from the original contract thing we saw a couple chapters ago. Wow, I’m not going to re-read that.

AH AH AH WAIT THERE IS SOMETHING NEW. “Does the submissive consent to: vaginal fisting…anal fisting…butt plugs…nipple clamps,” OH MY GOD I HATE THIS BOOK!

Also Ana is not allowed to look him in the eye. She actually has an Appropriate Human Reaction to this, “How weird is that?” But then she’s mostly just sad that she can’t gaze into his gorgeous eyes. Sucks to suck, Ana.  

Christian sends Ana a MacBook Pro. Again, I’m left to wonder if this book is both a weird, sexual advertisement for not only orange juice, but MacBook Pros. I wonder if there’s a way to find out if there was a correlation in sales of orange juice or MacBook (Pros) after the publishing of this book. This is some really compelling research right here.

 Upon learning she has an e-mail address that Chrisitan set up, Ana thinks, “I have an e-mail address?” Okay, James. Maybe, maybe, it was hard for Ana  to find access to the internet and…didn’t own a computer. Fine. But every college student has their own e-mail address. Pretty much everyone has an e-mail address. James is somehow aware of the Kings of Leon but not of the fact that most people have a fucking e-mail address?

E-mails are exchanged between the two. And for someone who has apparently never had an e-mail address before, Ana seems to do just fine with this.

Ana gets coffee with Jose, and their friendship continues. What a relief.

I guess I may as well comment on something I think James is doing right. At first it annoyed me that Ana never seems to eat and Christian constantly yells at her for it, but I actually think this is realistic. Because any time Christian isn’t around, Ana is starving and eats like a regular person. But when you meet someone you’re really into, especially someone who kind of makes you giddy and nervous and who is the first person you have been interesting in a long time (or in Ana’s case, ever been interested in) eating is really freaking hard.

Oh my god. I have Stockholm syndrome. That is what is happening to me. I am starting to identify with my kidnappers.

Notes ‘n’ Quotes 

10

-“The memory of the way his pajamas hung from his hips comes unbidden to my mind.” I am not joking about this obsession with his pants hanging from his hips. If any of you readers understand this fixation or have experienced something similar, please tell me in the comments section. This one’s really weighing on my mind, guys.

-“‘My first time was horrid,” she continues, making a sad comedy face.” This book is a sad comedy face in my mind. But google image searches reveal like 400 of these:

Now I have a face to put with Kate’s name. About time!

-“Perhaps he can give me more insight into his strange, disturbing brother.” I really despise that Ana basically says Christian is creepy, compares him to Bluebeard (a serial killer), and says he is strange and disturbing, but apparently if you’re hot this is all totally acceptable? I can’t. I just can’t even.

-“He looks like a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, maybe a badly behaved rock star or a catwalk model.” Are catwalk models often from the wrong side of the tracks? I wasn’t aware.

“The waitress takes our drinks order. She flushes when she sees Christian, avoiding eye contact with him, hiding under her long blonde bangs. She likes him! It’s not just me!” Yeah, it’s very unlikely that another woman would be interested in a sexy billionaire.

-“I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on top.” …Okay that actually does sound delicious.

-“I stare at him. This man–sexually abused as an adolescent–his tone is so threatening.” Who knew this book could talk about sexual abuse and make me laugh? This line makes no sense. Even in context.

11

-“He’s my master! I’m to be dealt with as he pleases! Holy shit!”

-“All the physical shenanigans I’ve been engaged in over the last twenty-four hours have been, frankly, exhausting.” Physical shenanigans? That is officially how I’m going to refer to sex for the rest of my days.

“I feel the delicious pull of my muscles from deep, deep down.” Matt’s right, James has severe trouble figuring out how to describe female arousal and vaginas…or actually anything sexual, really.

“I do not want or need a computer indefinitely.” Ha, very, ha.

“Laters, baby.” It gets me every time. What a line.

Full disclosure, I take a lot of breaks from reading and writing these posts. These breaks often end with me slamming the book shut, throwing it across my bed and saying, “BORED NOW!!!” Buffy moments keep me sane.

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0 comments

  1. Nikki Owen Reply

    Crackingly funny post again! Flip side to the rubbish read is your write ups are great, so every cloud. Top job.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Thank you so much! Yeah, I complain about this book all the time, but I’ll miss mocking it once I’m done. Man, that’s embarrassing to admit!

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  2. spiffymcpantsman Reply

    I too am going to start referring to sex as “physical shenanigans” and will probably never get laid ever again. If that is the price to pay for using such a legitimately amazing term, so be it.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      That price sounds worth it to me. It’s sheer brilliance!!

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  3. morningrain48 Reply

    this is seriously amazing. I love reading and making fun of bad riding, and have been reading the 50 shades series, which has been both amusing and painful, but none of my friends have read it so I have no one to complain to. Reading this has become my new favorite pass time.

    And seriously, did Ana handwrite all of her essays and research papers? Did she never receive an email from a professor or from her school? That is literally impossible. No english major could not have regular access to an internet. This aggravated me so much!

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    • morningrain48 Reply

      I just saw this and need to apologize for somehow having ‘riding’ instead of ‘writing’. Talking about bad writing…

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  4. Pingback: The Plot Continues To Have Already Been Resolved: Pamela Part 21 | Bad Books, Good Times

  5. Irish Skye Reply

    “Matt’s right, James has severe trouble figuring out how to describe female arousal and vaginas…or actually anything sexual, really.”

    I am guessing this is because she has never experienced it herself, but that is really no excuse. Every bookstore has a section of Romance novels, and every romance novel has at least 3 sex scenes that a (clearly) desperate author without any original thoughts can plagiarize and pass off as her own work. The more I read of this blog, the more I despise this series without having picked up the first book. But, as Nikki said, you and Matt are cracking us all up, so thank you for reading this kind of drivel for us. 😀

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