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Anyway, guess who’s almost done with this book? We are.
Here is the crazy sequence of events so far:
- Ana visits her mom in Georgia.
- Ana’s mom gives terrible relationship advice and it’s pretty great.
- Ana and Christian send super sexy emails to each other.
- Ana’s mom continues being awesome.
- Ana texts Christian that she’s mad she’s seeing “Mrs. Robinson” because she views her as a sexual predator.
- Christian is RIGHT THERE IN GEORGIA, YOU GUYS. SURPRISE!
If you had to guess what would happen next, would you think it would be 1) Ana’s mom keeps being the best character in the book (my favorite!), or 2) Christian Grey and Ana go have sex (my least favorite!). And it’s like E L James knew that I would feel like this at this exact point in the book and had a “por que no los dos?” moment because SORT OF SURPRISE! It is BOTH!
He turns to greet my mom. “Mrs. Adams, I am delighted to meet you.” […] He gives her the heart-stopping, Christian Grey-patented, full-blown, no-prisoners smile. She doesn’t have a hope. My mother’s lower jaw practically hits the table. Jeez, get a grip, Mom.
I am glad that we specified that it was her mom’s lower jaw that dropped to the table, because if it was her upper jaw, then I’d be really worried, and we already have enough to worry about with Christian maybe being mad at Ana maybe. But you know who else is mad? Why, Ana’s mom is mad! …for Christian Motherfucking Grey!
I glance quickly at Mom, who is staring at Christian … yes staring! Stop it, Mom.
Speaking of going mad, Ana’s narration suddenly hits holy shit go to a doctor levels of schizophrenia:
is it so unbelievable that I could attract a man? This man? Yes, frankly – look at him! my subconscious snaps. Oh, shut up! Who invited you to the party?
Ana’s mom tells Christian it’s lovely to meet him, then goes to the restroom to leave them on their own for a little bit, and Ana does not catch on at all (“Mom… you’ve just been”). And then Christian flirts with Ana and they attempt a serious conversation about why Ana doesn’t approve of Christian’s continued relationship with Mrs. Robinson. Ana’s all “she was a married woman who seduced a fifteen year old boy into a BDSM sexual relationship”, which is a fair point, and Christian’s all “but I was fifteen and had a penis”, which is a fair point (note that this is not what is actually written in the book; take it from me, that would have been an improvement), and he gets mad and leaves and I really don’t care about any of this because Ana’s mom isn’t here to be hilarious, so let’s just skip ahead to when she shows up again.
“Well, strike me down with a feather, Ana. He’s a catch.”
Yay! Ana’s mom! Say something else that nobody says in real life!
“Phew – the UST in here, it’s unbearable.” She fans herself theatrically.
You’re the best, Ana’s mom!
“Ana, honey, you’ve always had a tendency to overanalyze everything. Go with your gut. What does that tell you, sweetheart?”
I stare at my fingers.
“I think I’m in love with him,” I mutter.
“I know darling. And he with you.”
I can’t figure out what exactly about this exchange is hilarious, so I’m just going to guess that it is everything? Man, sometimes this book is more mysterious than magnets.
Sadly, it is time that we move on from my favorite thing that could have happened in this chapter to my least favorite thing, and double triple holy crap, E L James is making good on her end of the deal. Ana goes to Christian’s room and there’s a sex scene that, and I’m being dead serious right now, might ruin sex for anybody who reads it.
I am flush against him, and he kisses me wildly, ravaging my mouth with his. Holding me in place.
His breathing is ragged, matching mine.
“When did you start your period, Anastasia?”
I’m going to warn you that this is your last chance to stop reading, because James certainly didn’t.
He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! – and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all … Jeez. And then he’s inside me … ah!
For what’s supposed to be the sexiest book that’s been written in years, I’m more than a little upset that it’s making me never want to have sex again.