The Best Way to Describe an Orgasm: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 20

For those of you who haven’t seen, the blog received its first bit of real hate mail! It was mainly a personal attack against me, and I loved every second of reading this beautifully crafted comment.

Chapter 20

When we last left the Fifty Shades gang, Ana had just accepted Christian’s marriage proposal. So this means I’m probably going to have to read a sex scene right? And I bet Ana is also going to reiterate a bunch of information we already know about how much she loves Christian, but how he’s fifty shades of fucked up, but how she loves him, but how they’ve only known each other a short time, but she loves him!

He puts me down and kisses me. Hard. His hands are on either side of my face, his tongue insistent, persuasive . . . arousing.

Damn it. 

Also “persuasive” seems like a strange choice of adjective to put in there. She’s already agreed to marry him, and all he has to do to persuade her to have sex with him is exist at this point.

Christian suddenly realizes that Ana had this gift for him before they went to see his therapist, Dr. Flynn. Of course, because Ana left him hanging, this means he has to have sex with her? Naughtily?

“I can’t believe you left me hanging.” His whisper is laced with disbelief. His expression alters subtly, his eyes gleaming wickedly, his mouth twitching into a carnal smile.

Holy hell. A thrill runs through me. What’s he thinking?

“I believe some retribution is in order, Miss Steele,” he says softly.

For some reason Christian carries Ana to the shower and turns the water on both of them while they are still fully clothed. Yum! People whose faces and bodies I still have trouble imagining have wet clothes on! Sexy. And then you throw in stuff like, “Jeez! Arctic water spurts over my backside,” and it could just not get any hotter.

I am reminded of the many showers we’ve had together, but the one at the Olympic is a bittersweet memory.

I actually am not sure which shower Ana is referring to, but this sentence made me think, “Well hey, they may not have been together very long, but damn it, the amount of showers they’ve taken together counts for something! If you’ve taken as many showers together as these crazy kids, hey, maybe it is time to tie the knot.”

He works the shampoo into my hair, his firm, long fingers massaging my scalp. Groaning in appreciation, I close my eyes and give myself over to the heavenly sensation. After all the stress of the evening, this is just what I need.

I can imagine if I thought my significant other had died in a plane crash, I too would need a scalp massage to get past all that silly, unnecessary stress.

“I want to wash all of you,”

I whisper. He smiles that lopsided smile and lifts his hands in a gesture that says “I’m all yours, baby.” I grin; it feels like Christmas.

I was raised Jewish, so I’m not clear on exactly how Christmas is celebrated, but now I’m left to assume everyone gets to see Christian Grey’s penis during the holiday season. A merry Christmas, a happy new year, and an enormous penis to all!

And then this happens:

I could have lost him . . . and I love him . . . I love him so much, and I’m suddenly overcome by the enormity of my love and the depth of my commitment to him. I will spend the rest of my life loving this man, and with that awe-inspiring thought, I detonate around him—a healing, cathartic orgasm, crying out his name as tears flow down my cheeks.

You mean my prediction about Ana telling us how much she loves him came true? Man, I’m good.

But more importantly Ana used the word detonate to describe an orgasm. Not just any orgasm, mind you, a cathartic one. Detonate alone was enough to make me laugh, but then you add in the bizarre, senseless combination of detonation and a healing/cathartic orgasm that was simply inspired by the power of love? I can’t even.

Disclaimer: No Christian Grey’s penis was harmed during the detonation of this orgasm.

Ana berates Christian for not calling everyone to let them know he was okay and then reminds him he is loved by one and all! Blah-dy freaking blah. It makes Christian’s face “erupt into a beautiful” grin. There’s a lot of weirdly violent imagery in this chapter; I wonder if James’ was having a bad day or something when she wrote this chapter. Maybe she was having trouble detonating.

The next morning, Ana decides to make breakfast in bed for Christian. Jose, who is apparently still in this book and still completely dull and useless, is sitting in the kitchen. Christian “saunters” into the room with his pants hanging off his hips again, all willy nilly as usual.

Then for some reason we’re forced to read a conversation between Jose and Christian about fishing, and the scene abruptly ends. I guess that was supposed to be a moment of Bridges Being Crossed, because in the next scene Ana is like, “Yay they are now nicer to each other. Resolution is easy!”

Jose leaves and Christian still insists that he wants Ana. No shit, Sherlock.  Then Ana gives Christian more gifts. One of which is a toy helicopter with a solar-powered rotor blade.

Then there’s this moment where Christian refers to his helicopter as a “she” the way a man might refer to a boat or car as a she. And Ana gets jealous. What the shit?

The final gift is that Ana wants to go play in the playroom. Yes. The Red Room of Pain. And with that the chapter ends, and I have no more valid excuses not to work on my final paper due tomorrow. Damn it!

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19 comments

    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Here at Bad Books, Good Times, we like to believe we’re doing the world a service. Glad to be of help =)

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  1. Bellomy Reply

    You know, if the shower is “arctic” I’d imagine that would turn DOWN your sex drive. Drenched in freezing cold clothing with icy cold water running over you, I’d be shivering and shaking way too much to consider sex.I mean, I guess when I got out and got my clothes off, but even then I’d be shivering and shaking so much that I’d really need to get warm first before I’m ready for some sweet loving.

    Gotta love Ana’s jealousy. Christian has never, once, ever even HINTED at the idea that he’s not interested in her, or ever shown ANY evidence whatsoever that he’s cheating on Ana. In fact, given that he’s such a control freak that gives Ana the dual ability to also know where he is at most times-not to mention that he repeatedly and emphatically states over and over again how much he desires her and wants her, and always wants to be with her. In fact, being a control freak like he is, he doesn’t even seem like a good personality fit for a cheater.

    And yet Ana gets jealous when he uses a female anthropomorphism for his helicopter. She may be, literally, the stupidest non-slow character I have EVER read about. She is such a fucking moron. I mean, in E.L. James’s hot sex scenes Ana describes them with such startling imagery as “Oh Jeez”, “Fuck”, and…”Oh jeez” again, actually.

    The depths of her intense stupidity astound me.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Hahahaha I couldn’t agree more with everything you’ve said! I hope they get pneumonia from their arctic water exploits.

      But this was the best: ” Ana describes them with such startling imagery as “Oh Jeez”, “Fuck”, and…”Oh jeez” again, actually.”

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  2. Saija Reply

    I think you forgot one of the key parts of that special orgasm. She had tears rolling down her cheeks, TEARS. I suppose I might be crying, too, if I “detonated.” I’m pretty sure James just wrote “explode” into an online thesaurus for that one, not realizing that it really doesn’t work the same way (though personally, I wouldn’t go for “explode” to describe an orgasm, either, but maybe that’s just me). Anyway, I put it in a thesaurus myself to give James some ideas for how to describe her next orgasms:

    Burst
    Rupture
    Fulminate
    Disintegrate
    Pop (my personal favorite)
    Extravasate
    Blow up

    Using James’ logic, we can even use words like:
    Mushroom: to expand suddenly, swiftly, or without control

    Since I’m not actually reading the book, I think I deserve a prize if one of my words are used in the next chapters.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Oh what I would give to be a fly on the all during one of James’ thesaurus sessions. “Oh jeez, this is a good word to describe orgasms! Ohhh this one could be for condoms!”

      If James’ uses pop at any point in the rest of this series to describe an orgasm, I’m not sure what your prize would be yet, but damn you deserve one!

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  3. Bellomy Reply

    Interestingly, the words you used to describe James’s reaction to finding words to use from the thesaurus is almost exactly the same as the words Ana uses to describe sex with Christian Grey.

    May we have found a connection here? This is quite telling.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Glad you picked up on that, the connection was very intentional 🙂 Something tells me they may have a similar, elegant, vocabulary.

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      • Bellomy Reply

        E.L. James reaction to good sex: “Fuck!” “Oh jeez!”
        E.L. James reaction to bad sex: “Fuck!” “Oh jeez!”
        E.L. James reaction to hearing the Voice of God welcoming her into Paradise: “Fuck!” “Oh jeez!”
        And finally, E.L. James during family Scrabble: “Fuck! No G’s!”

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  4. Chuck Reply

    “Am orgasm is a wish your vagina makes”… I may not have that quote 100% right.

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  5. Amy Reply

    I found your hate mail enlightening! Apparently the only reason you don’t consider this book to be “GOOD SHIT” (as opposed to “JUST SHIT”) is that you haven’t been spanked enough. Y’know, like ‘spanked’ in the head multiple times or something. There lies the secret! Thank you, troll (whose name I can’t remember but was some kind of porn-ish spelling of a perfectly normal name). Onwards and upwards, Ariel. And I don’t mean that in an erotic way. That’d be weird.

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  7. zara Reply

    Ur are ingenious heck down right awsome,I’m NT gonna lie o hve read the entire three books (I’m sorrie I kinda like two random idiots with physiologic issues get together)I did hve kinda of a weird attraction towards Christian grey ND sadly I had the urge to trip in every CEO offices out there STUPIDITY BEYOND COMPREHENSION yes undoubtedly.but I stumbled upon your AMAZING review of pure common sense ND I realized wat a idiot Ana and grey are like r u even serious I’m pretty sure my subconscious a)doesn’t appear that frequently especially just before sex,or their is something seriously wrong with my subconscious get a hold women ND secondly how can fictional grey like fictional Ana I’ve seen tress more attractive all in all u my friend are amazing thank you thank you so freakin much u made my day:D

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      No, Zara, you’re the one that made my day. So glad you enjoyed the post :D, no judgement that you kind of liked the books, you came around in the end 😉

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      • zara Reply

        Nope u made my day p.s huge respect to you ND ur amazing reviews esp beautiful disaster ND respect don’t name ur children the same ,luv u all xoxox jst admitted in kinda girl crushing on you nope I should behave but ur amazing ND keep up the amazing reviews <3

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