For those of you who haven’t seen, the blog received its first bit of real hate mail! It was mainly a personal attack against me, and I loved every second of reading this beautifully crafted comment.
When we last left the Fifty Shades gang, Ana had just accepted Christian’s marriage proposal. So this means I’m probably going to have to read a sex scene right? And I bet Ana is also going to reiterate a bunch of information we already know about how much she loves Christian, but how he’s fifty shades of fucked up, but how she loves him, but how they’ve only known each other a short time, but she loves him!
He puts me down and kisses me. Hard. His hands are on either side of my face, his tongue insistent, persuasive . . . arousing.
Also “persuasive” seems like a strange choice of adjective to put in there. She’s already agreed to marry him, and all he has to do to persuade her to have sex with him is exist at this point.
Christian suddenly realizes that Ana had this gift for him before they went to see his therapist, Dr. Flynn. Of course, because Ana left him hanging, this means he has to have sex with her? Naughtily?
“I can’t believe you left me hanging.” His whisper is laced with disbelief. His expression alters subtly, his eyes gleaming wickedly, his mouth twitching into a carnal smile.
Holy hell. A thrill runs through me. What’s he thinking?
“I believe some retribution is in order, Miss Steele,” he says softly.
For some reason Christian carries Ana to the shower and turns the water on both of them while they are still fully clothed. Yum! People whose faces and bodies I still have trouble imagining have wet clothes on! Sexy. And then you throw in stuff like, “Jeez! Arctic water spurts over my backside,” and it could just not get any hotter.
I am reminded of the many showers we’ve had together, but the one at the Olympic is a bittersweet memory.
I actually am not sure which shower Ana is referring to, but this sentence made me think, “Well hey, they may not have been together very long, but damn it, the amount of showers they’ve taken together counts for something! If you’ve taken as many showers together as these crazy kids, hey, maybe it is time to tie the knot.”
He works the shampoo into my hair, his firm, long fingers massaging my scalp. Groaning in appreciation, I close my eyes and give myself over to the heavenly sensation. After all the stress of the evening, this is just what I need.
I can imagine if I thought my significant other had died in a plane crash, I too would need a scalp massage to get past all that silly, unnecessary stress.
“I want to wash all of you,”
I whisper. He smiles that lopsided smile and lifts his hands in a gesture that says “I’m all yours, baby.” I grin; it feels like Christmas.
I was raised Jewish, so I’m not clear on exactly how Christmas is celebrated, but now I’m left to assume everyone gets to see Christian Grey’s penis during the holiday season. A merry Christmas, a happy new year, and an enormous penis to all!
And then this happens:
I could have lost him . . . and I love him . . . I love him so much, and I’m suddenly overcome by the enormity of my love and the depth of my commitment to him. I will spend the rest of my life loving this man, and with that awe-inspiring thought, I detonate around him—a healing, cathartic orgasm, crying out his name as tears flow down my cheeks.
You mean my prediction about Ana telling us how much she loves him came true? Man, I’m good.
But more importantly Ana used the word detonate to describe an orgasm. Not just any orgasm, mind you, a cathartic one. Detonate alone was enough to make me laugh, but then you add in the bizarre, senseless combination of detonation and a healing/cathartic orgasm that was simply inspired by the power of love? I can’t even.
Disclaimer: No Christian Grey’s penis was harmed during the detonation of this orgasm.
Ana berates Christian for not calling everyone to let them know he was okay and then reminds him he is loved by one and all! Blah-dy freaking blah. It makes Christian’s face “erupt into a beautiful” grin. There’s a lot of weirdly violent imagery in this chapter; I wonder if James’ was having a bad day or something when she wrote this chapter. Maybe she was having trouble detonating.
The next morning, Ana decides to make breakfast in bed for Christian. Jose, who is apparently still in this book and still completely dull and useless, is sitting in the kitchen. Christian “saunters” into the room with his pants hanging off his hips again, all willy nilly as usual.
Then for some reason we’re forced to read a conversation between Jose and Christian about fishing, and the scene abruptly ends. I guess that was supposed to be a moment of Bridges Being Crossed, because in the next scene Ana is like, “Yay they are now nicer to each other. Resolution is easy!”
Jose leaves and Christian still insists that he wants Ana. No shit, Sherlock. Then Ana gives Christian more gifts. One of which is a toy helicopter with a solar-powered rotor blade.
Then there’s this moment where Christian refers to his helicopter as a “she” the way a man might refer to a boat or car as a she. And Ana gets jealous. What the shit?
The final gift is that Ana wants to go play in the playroom. Yes. The Red Room of Pain. And with that the chapter ends, and I have no more valid excuses not to work on my final paper due tomorrow. Damn it!