Anal: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter Twenty-One

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter Twenty-One: Anal

Here’s a quick summary of Christian and Ana’s sex life:

  1. Christian Grey and Ana want to have sex.
  2. Christian Grey won’t have sex with Ana because he only likes kinky BDSM sex.
  3. Christian Grey and Ana have sex.
  4. Christian Grey gradually talks Ana into having gradually kinkier, BDSM-ier sex, although Ana is very hesitant and worries that at some point it will be too much and she will leave.
  5. At some point it is too much and she leaves.
  6. Just kidding.
  7. Christian only has mostly normal sex with Ana (because he realizes he’s for reals in love with her), although Ana is worried this isn’t enough for him.
  8. Ana decides that for Christian’s birthday, she’ll surprise him with a bunch of random stuff from his playroom that she doesn’t really understand because she wants to do some of the kinky BDSM stuff he likes.

So… that’s happening.

“Take your clothes off. Slowly.” He gives me a sensual, challenging look.
I swallow compulsively, pressing my thighs together. I’m already damp between my legs.

Okay, “damp” is not a good word to use here. “Damp” is a good word to describe caves, mossy forests, and other things that are kinda gross. “Damp” is not a good word for describing vaginas.

This is the first picture that comes up when you Google the word
This is the first picture that comes up when you Google the word “damp”. Sultry.

Ana gets naked (that’s coo’), Christian ties his tie around her neck (that’s coo’) in a Windsor knot (good to know, I guess), then goes through all the objects she picked out.

“Anastasia, these objects.” He holds up the butt plug. “This is a size too big. As an anal virgin, you don’t want to start with this.”

I’m super mature and started laughing at “butt plug”. Anyway, Christian explains that she’s gonna have to start just with a finger, to which Ana has one of her usual eloquent reactions.

Fingers . . . there?

He also explains that she chose the wrong nipple clamps. Oh, Ana, how silly of you! Get back in the kitchen!

Christian, my sexual mentor. He knows so much more about all this than I do. I’ll never catch up. I frown. He knows more than me about most things … except cooking.

Casual reminder that there are lots and lots of real people who actually think these books are empowering for women.

Christian talks to Ana about what exactly they’re doing in the room, because he’s worried she doesn’t really want to do any of the stuff that happens in there. She explains that she does want to see his dominating side, and he explains that he likes having more affectionate sex with her too.

“I’m your lover, Anastasia, not your Dom. I love to hear your laugh and your girlish giggle. I like you relaxed and happy, like you are in José’s photos. That’s the girl that fell into my office. That’s the girl I fell in love with.”
Holy cow.

So I’m back home from college for break and showed my dad my new Kindle, which, naturally, only has this book and Bared For You on it at the moment, because I’m a professional. My dad pulled up Fifty Shades, read a paragraph out loud where Ana says “holy cow” and started laughing, asking “What’s ‘holy cow’ doing in an erotic novel?” I couldn’t even begin to explain.

It's a very sensual book.
It’s a very sexy book.

Anyway, it is at this point, roughly 850 pages into the Fifty Shades series, a series that is about bondage and discipline and dominance and submission and sadomasochism, that we finally get a scene containing this. Now, to be fair, we’ve gotten more than a taste of this up to this point, but throughout the entire first book it was kept pretty much to a minimum, with some light spanking, bondage, blindfolding, and vaginal balls. So, yeah, kinda kinky, but all things considered, not terribly. In this second entry, things have gotten a little more intense, but still the most intense thing we’ve seen so far is the spreader bar.

So get ready for all of this to happen at once:

  1. arms are cuffed behind her back
  2. blindfolding
  3. oiling
  4. nipple clamps
  5. a vibrator
  6. anal fingering

And here’s how Ana very creatively describes each one of those things:

  1. It’s not the most comfortable of positions
  2. Wow.
  3. Holy cow, I’m on fire
  4. Holy cow, the feeling is exquisite, raw, painful, pleasurable … oh—the pinch.
  5. Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate—down there!
  6. he gently pushes an anointed finger inside me … there!

Overall, lots of Ana reminding us where her orifices are, just in case we forgot. Also cows.

It's a VERY sensual book.
It’s a VERY sexy book.

Okay, so there’s actually a little bit more gold to mine from Ana’s reactions to anal fingering, so here’s that whole passage.

“So beautiful,” he murmurs and suddenly he gently pushes an anointed finger inside me … there! Into my backside. Fuck. It feels alien, full, forbidden … but oh … so … good. And he moves slowly, easing in and out, while his teeth graze my upturned chin.

See, after all that cow stuff, I’m really getting the wrong mental image when E L James suddenly throws the word “graze” at me.

All the stimulation is too much for Ana and it reads oddly like she’s having a seizure. Or an exorcism.

I can hold on no more, and I scream as my body convulses and climaxes at the overwhelming fullness. As my body explodes, I’m nothing but sensation—everywhere. […]
“Argh!” I cry out […] “No!” I shout again, pleading […] my body continues to convulse.
He unstraps one of the cuffs so that my arms fall forward. My head lolls on his shoulder, and I am lost, lost to all this overwhelming sensation.

So the sex is over and Ana muses on what a deep, complex man Christian Grey is.

So many sides of Christian—his sweet, gentle persona and his rugged, I-can-do-what-I-fucking-well-like-to-you-and-you’ll-come-like-a-train Dominant side

Wait, is “come like a train” actually an expression? What the fuck? Since when do trains have orgasms?

My childhood is ruined.
My childhood is ruined.

Amazingly enough, this chapter is nowhere near over. It is also nowhere near interesting, however, so basically:

  • Christian muses on how thankful he is that Kate was sick and Ana had to interview him instead. Again.
  • Ana makes lunch and emails Christian to tell him it’s ready.
  • Ana has a conversation with Taylor about his daughter, who’s sick with a stomach bug. This has actually been a subplot running for three chapters.
  • Christian calls Ana’s stepdad Ray to ask if he can marry Ana. Ray shows no emotion.

“Annie . . . I know he’s all kinds of rich and eligible, but marriage? It’s such a big step. You’re sure?”
“He’s my happily ever after,” I whisper.
“Whoa.” Ray says after a moment, his tone softer.

  • Ana tells Christian about the photos she found of him in the playroom with a former sub. Christian responds that the box is supposed to be in a safe, and deduces that Leila must know the safe combination (somehow) and have moved the pictures when she had broken into the apartment. He keeps pictures of himself with all his subs in the playroom as a form of insurance in case their break their nondisclosure agreement. Christian is thoroughly unconcerned that his homicidal and schizophrenic ex-sub Leila has gotten into a locked safe that contains all of this sensitive information and makes no effort to go see if anything is missing from the safe or anything.
  • Ana tells her mom she’s getting married and they rush through all their feelings in about a page. Whereas Ana and Christian’s feelings get the whole damn book.
  • Ana leaves the house wearing a short dress and Christian gets mad at her and she worries the whole time about how he’s not talking to her and this shit still happens 850 pages into the series.
  • Ana bakes a cake

Finally they get to Christian’s birthday party and the chapter’s about to end FINALLY. They arrive at his parent’s house and Kate greets them at the door and she is not happy!

“What the fuck is this?” she hisses and waves a piece of paper at me. Completely at a loss, I take it from her and scan it quickly. My mouth dries. Holy shit. It’s my e-mail response to Christian, discussing the contract.

Well, guess you two should have taken that whole “haha my mentally unstable former sexual partner broke into my apartment and then broke into my safe where I keep hard copies of my most secret and damaging information hahahaha let’s bake a cake!” thing a bit more seriously, huh?

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  1. TheOthers1 Reply

    This commentary was a level of hilarious that I wasn’t prepared for. I should’ve read this instead of bothering with the book.

    • matthewjulius Post authorReply

      That’s what we’re here for! If you haven’t read the ripoff Bared To You yet, we’re reading that one on Thursdays and Fridays, so we can save you from that!

  2. Manny Reply

    “He knows more than me about most things … except cooking”
    This statement reminds me that this was originally a Twilight fanfiction. As soon as Bella moved from Phoenix to Forks with her father, she immediately starts playing the good, perfect little housewife: she cooks (because hey! My father has been feeding only on unhealthy food/can’t cook – even though he’s been living alone and hasn’t starved!), she cleans, does laundry, and all this while having a love triangle with a vampire and a werewolf!
    How multitasking of her.

    As to control freak Christian Gray, it sounds weird of him not to worry that Leila moved the pictures from the safe to the playroom. I’m sure he’ll have a very short but exhaustive reason for that. Like, two sentences?

    • matthewjulius Post authorReply

      That’s one of the few things I know about Twilight (having never read it), and the connection makes a lot of sense now that you mention that.
      I’m sure the whole thing will be resolved in two pages anyway, because that’s how every conflict has been resolved in this novel so far.

      • Manny Reply

        Since you’ve read FSOG before Twilight, I doubt you could find the latter nearly as hilarious as Fifty…

  3. 22aer22 Reply

    I love that your dad was thoroughly amused by “holy cow”. One of the books’ finest staples!

      • Manny Reply

        Speaking of the inner goddess… where is she now? Did she reach Nirvana with all this kinky sex?

        • matthewjulius Post authorReply

          there was so much else to make fun of I had to let it slide, but there was a perfectly weird inner goddess quote in this chapter:
          What does he have in mind? My inner goddess can’t wait to find out—she’s already scissor-kicked onto the table and is watching him with adoration.

      • Bellomy Reply

        Bwahahaha, how did you leave that out! Out of all the terrible writing in this chapter I think that line may actually be my favorite. That was awesome.

        Her inner goddess has made a few appearances lately. The real question is, where is her Subconscious? Has the awesome power of Christian Grey eliminated all excess thought her in mind, so that only the sex-obsessed inner goddess is left?

        Actually, I really like that theory.

      • Judy Reply

        Please don’t leave out the inner goddess. Her actions are always worth mentioning. They always conjure up the most idiotic imagery. Thank you for the bonus quote.

  4. 22aer22 Reply

    YOU CAN CHAT TO OTHER PEOPLE ONLINE??? Why did no one inform me of this giant leap forward for mankind sooner?

  5. Irish Skye Reply

    “I’m your lover, Anastasia, not your Dom. I love to hear your laugh and your girlish giggle. I like you relaxed and happy, like you are in José’s photos.”
    Yet MORE proof that ELJ has NO idea what a real BDSM relationship is since ALL Dom/sub couples are lovers. Doms are supposed to be emotionally available and connected to their subs on an emotional level. Without that connection, there can be no trust, and without trust, no sub would willingly put herself/himself into a Dom’s hands. Grr!

    On the up side, this post made me laugh so hard, more than once, and I thank you so much for that. Just the pics of the cows with those captions (“It’s a VERY sexy book.”) are freaking hilarious. You have a true gift for comedic writing, Matt, and I hope to hell your finals show a little bit of that bring smiles to your professors’ faces.

  6. Pingback: Christian Grey's Penis! (From the Perspective of Christian Grey): Grey Chapter 6 - Bad Books, Good Times

  7. japes75 Reply

    Hands down the funniest synopsis I have read. I was give this trash by my idiot cousin a few years ago and started it out of curiosity. I continued because I was studying for a degree and needed something lighter than Krebs ecology at bedtime. I admit I waded through the lot. I’m not proud, why did I do it? Mainly to remind myself never, ever to eschew artistic integrity in favour of commercial success (did no-one tell James?), but also because, lets face it, its the book equivalent of car crash TV. Just. So. Bad. Well done people, I went training today and the laughing made me ouch!


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