I almost didn’t write a recap on what happened last week in the magical world of Mean Vampyres, but then I realized if I can’t remember what happened last week, I can’t expect you guys to. [Matthew says: Correction: Mean Vampyres and the Sorcerer’s Ho. Get it? Because of all the slut shaming!]
Zoey decides she’s going to get in with the Dark Daughters and take them down from the inside because remember this isn’t a Mean Girls ripoff at all.
Zoey calls her grandmother from Neferet’s office. She’s sad because her mom hasn’t called her in the whole day she’s been gone:
Grandma sighed. “Well, honey, maybe she doesn’t want to bother you while you’re settling into your new life. I did tell her that Neferet had explained to me that your days and nights will be flip-flopped.”
“Thanks, Grandma, but I don’t think that’s why she hasn’t called me.”
“Maybe she has tried and you just missed her call. I called your cell yesterday, but I only got your voicemail.”
I don’t think you’re allowed to be sad that someone hasn’t tried to contact you if you’ve made completely sure they haven’t by, you know, checking the phone. [Matthew says: Not to mention that she’s literally spent this whole time talking about how she doesn’t miss her family, so it’s hard to actually feel bad for her.] I seriously doubt the House of Night vampyre skewl has a website with a clear phone number listed.
“I drank blood and I liked it!” I blurted. [Did Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” flash through anyone else’s mind? Just me? I’ll hide in my shame cave then.]
Without any hesitation, Grandma said, “Well, honey, isn’t that what vampyres do?”
“Yeah, but I’m not a vampyre. I’m just a few-days-old fledgling.”
“You’re special, Zoey. You always have been. Why should that change now?”
Okay, I’m glad Grandma got Zoey to clarify why liking blood is weird considering she’s a vampyre and all, but they lost me again here with the justification for Zoey’s unnatural enjoyment of blood. She’s special? Two seconds ago Grandma was under the impression that fledgling or not, you liked blood. So how can her explanation carry any weight at all? [Matthew says: Also, Grandma Redbird is officially my favorite character for having the exact same “uh, yeah, this is a book about vampires, so… yes?” reaction we’ve had throughout this garbage.]
Zoey then tells her grandmother how she felt all the elements during the full moon ritual:
“I think I feel the five elements when a circle is cast.”
“If that is the truth, you have been given great power, Zoey. And you know that with great power comes great responsibility.”
[Matthew says: Oh, wow, and now she’s already been demoted to not-my-favorite character. That was fast.]
Two things. One, she doesn’t know if it’s normal for Zoey to enjoy blood at this stage but she knows exactly what Zoey means by the vague phrase “I feel the five elements when a circle is cast.” I feel like that’s the one that would warrant more explanation. [Matthew says: GRANDMA REDBIRD IS THE NEW SUPREME. Wait, are people still making American Horror Story: Coven jokes?]
Two, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was reading vampyre!Spider-man now. I know, I know, this quote doesn’t actually originate from there, but it’s what I associate it with most.
After telling Grandma that she probably got these powers so she could defeat Aphrodite, Grandma makes Zoey promise to perform another prayer/ritual before dawn (this time with purification powers!) and Zoey agrees. That’s just what this book was missing, another ritual.
Later Zoey grabs some lunch, reflects on her conversation with Grandma and determines where she’ll perform her ritual. These deep thoughts are interrupted by none other than Erik Night himself.
“Don’t you think baby corns are scary? There’s just something wrong about their midget bodies.”
What the even fuck dude? No, I’m sorry, what the even fuck, Casts? What is your deal with baby corn! Is this moment supposed to signify a deep connection between Zoey and Erik because they both have idiotic thoughts about baby corn? Even Bared to You handled this kind of connection better and that was simply one character buying the other the kind of soup she wanted without her telling him. [Matthew says: Also, why is it vaguely offensive? Aside from how a lot of this book is actually really offensive, let’s look at the line, “There’s just something wrong about their midget bodies”?.Does that not read problematically to anyone else? How does he manage to be both weird (“I’m gonna talk to this bitch about baby corn. Bitches love baby corn.”) and prejudiced in this same pickup line?]
Erik proclaims that he’s not the cool guy everyone thinks he is. Really he’s a dork, and he’s gonna prove it!
“I can. Come to the movies with me tonight. We’ll watch my favorite DVDs of all time.”
“How does that prove anything?”
“It’s Star Wars, the original ones. I know all the lines for all the parts.”
He leaned closer and whispered again. “I can even do Chewbacca’s parts.”
I laughed. “You’re right. You are a dork.”
Yawwwn. Try harder, Casts. It’s like on The OC when they tried to convince us that Seth was a dork that no one found attractive. Great show, but seriously, having him love comic books and declaring he was this huge dork was hilarious.
[Matthew says: Amazingly enough there was another weird Star Wars reference a few chapters back that had me completely baffled, but I forgot to talk about. Lucky there was another Star Wars reference in this book! Anyway, remember when we learned that Aphrodite can see future accidents that haven’t happened yet, but does nothing to try to stop them because she likes humans dying/is a cartoon villain twirling her handlebar mustache? Well, this was how Zoey and Stevie Rae oh so eloquently expressed the depths of Aphrodite’s evil:
“And she does have a powerful affinity, which has to mean that Nyx has special plans for her.”
“Or she’s a demon from hell, and she gets her power from the dark side. Hello! Has no one seen Star Wars? It was hard to believe Anakin Skywalker would turn, and look what happened there.”
Hahahahahaha MAY I TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE THIS? First, Ariel and I are fucking sick of having to constantly talk about how constant pop culture references make for awful writing in this book. Second, Ariel and I are fucking sick of having to talk about how much worse it gets when these pop culture references don’t even make sense. Like this one. Zoey is talking about the Star Wars prequels, where Anakin slowly turns to the dark side. Except as KIND OF EVERYBODY KNOWS, the prequels were made like three decades AFTER the original movies, where Anakin HAS ALREADY TURNED. LONG AGO IN THE PAST. In fact, the only reason why these prequels exist is to tell that story. So it was the opposite of “hard to believe”. It was THE ENTIRE. GODDAMNED. POINT. This is like saying, “Yeah! I just watched The Godfather, Part II. It was hard to believe Vito Corleone would become the head of a Mafia family in America, and look what happened there.” Because it is THE SECOND ONE. AFTER THE FIRST ONE. WHERE THAT ALREADY HAPPENED.
If anything, Zoey is the dorky one, because she’s the one who likes the Star Wars prequels, thus making Zoey what we already knew she was: probably about seven years old.]
Zoey turns Erik down, though, because she’s got bigger plans.
“Why did you tell him no? What could be more important than a date with him?”
“Getting rid of Aphrodite,” I said simply.
And pooping? I feel like that should be the next line given this is Zoey we’re talking about here. [Matthew says: Also, I guess my prediction that the most likely subplot to get an eleventh hour promotion to “actually was the narrative the whole time” is the “Aphrodite is a jerkface and must be STOPPED” one. So… yeah. Mean Vampyres and the Sorcerer’s Ho it is.]