Man, Stevie Rae dying really took over this book’s plot. I can’t even remember what the book was about before Stevie Rae died!
The joke is the book wasn’t about anything. Sorry, I don’t know how sarcastic my voice sounds in your head.
[Ariel say: This just highlights that we should applaud the Casts for sticking with something for more than a chapter. Or at least nod our heads slightly in acknowledgement. Yeah, let’s go with that.]
Zoey has a nightmare where she sees Stevie Rae as one of the undead kids, getting into a spat with the undead Elliott over who’s in charge before she asserts that it is her because “the earth answer[s]” her. Heath walks in on them and Stevie Rae gives an order to capture him, despite Elliott’s protests that they were told to take no more. Stevie Rae counters that “He’s seen us! […] So he comes with us until she tells us what to do with him!”, before they drag him away into the snow-covered forest.
Zoey wakes up from her totally just a dream to find that the Twins and Damien have already left her room. [Ariel says: So Zoey has to go and take Aphrodite’s affinity too. Why does she get all the affinities? Yeah, yeah, I know cause she’s a Mary Sue, but come on.] She muses on how alone she feels with Stevie Rae’s absence before Shaunee comes back to get her for their snow day movie marathon. Shaunee feels guilty about making a joke about Erik’s “fiiiine” friend, Cole, joining them, given the circumstances, so Zoey tries to cheer her up.
“Shaunee, we have to go on. We have to date and be happy and live our lives. Nothing’s guaranteed, Stevie Rae’s death proved that. We can’t waste the time we’ve been given.”
Guys, I stared at this quote for forever, trying to find something wrong with it, and I can’t. You take a look at it. Sure, we’ve read four chapters of Zoey mostly saying this same thing over and over again, but to be fair, grieving takes time. Also, nothing’s wrong with it. What I figured out instead, though, is that after one and three-quarters of House of Night books, I hate Zoey so much that I’m actively looking for things to hate her for while she is comforting someone mourning a deceased friend. The Casts have crafted a seriously unlikeable main character.
[Ariel says: So true, TWIN. I also find it really funny that “We have to date” comes across as being the Most Important thing in that sentence. I feel like she should have lead with “live our lives” or “be happy”.]
Something genuinely surprising happens next, though: the Twins’ love lives suddenly become the most interesting thing in the book.
I was surprised to see that [Cole] had pulled up a chair and was actually sitting between the Twins. I felt my lips twitch up. He was either very brave or very moronic.
Zoey sits next to Erik and he wraps his arm around her and she feels guilty because she’s planning on seeing Heath later. She makes no mention of feeling guilty about the third guy she’s juggling, because the Casts must have filled their Zoey’s prospective lovers quota already.
“But wait a second,” those of you with astoundingly good memory might be thinking right now. “Erik’s here… Zoey’s here… they’re watching movies… oh my god. The Casts are going to say more things that don’t make sense about Star Wars, aren’t they?”
“Now that Z’s here we can start the marathon,” Erik said.
“You mean the dorkathon,” Shaunee said with a snort.
“If it was the weekend we could call it the geekend,” Erin said.
Since when is Star Wars uncool? Last time I checked it was still insanely, insanely popular in mainstream culture. If anything, Star Wars is too popular.
“Watching Erik’s long extended director’s cut of Star Wars for the millionth time”
There is no extended director’s cut of Star Wars.
So the Casts pretty obviously tried to pull something geeky out of their asses and slapped two geeky sounding things – “Star Wars” and “extended director’s cut” – together; what’s the big deal? Well, as most people are aware of, just about every single time Star Wars is released, it’s a different cut. In fact, George Lucas (aka the director) is notorious for constantly tinkering with the films. So not only did the Casts make up a nonexistent special dork edition of a geeky movie, but they more or less chose the most obvious movie they possibly could have to look like they were making shit up.
Anyway, for those of you who don’t get upset about pop culture things and skimmed that last few paragraphs, welcome back! Now you can get upset about racism:
“Are you saying Princess Leia does it for you?” Shaunee quipped.
“No, I’m more colorful than that,” [Cole] said
If the Casts had an affinity for something, it’d be for sledgehammers, because that’s how much subtlety they have.
“I wish Stevie Rae was here,” Erik said. “She’d be all, Y’all, you’re not bein’ very niiiice.” […]
“I liked the way Stevie Rae messed up the English language,” Shaunee said.
Oh, well, in that case, it should be, “I wish Stevie Rae were here,” because this is a conditional statement and thus requires the subjunctive. Feel better, idiots? [Ariel says: Also, they really can’t think of anything else to fondly remember Stevie Rae for other than the fact that she was Southern. We literally just read “No, I’m more colorful than that” as a way for someone to come onto a woman of color, and somehow the Casts are still more offensive to people from the South. How do they do it?]
Drew, the guy who was in one chapter one time to be Stevie Rae’s romantic interest once, shows up and asks to join them. Although this would seemingly leave him without purpose, he is immediately set up with Erin, which is probably the closest I’ve ever seen to an author pity-fucking their own character. Having happily paired off all the surviving characters, the kids settle down for a movie to learn to live their lives again after their friend’s untimely death.
“To repeat this special bulletin, a Broken Arrow teenager, another high school football player, has been reported as missing. His name is Heath Luck. […] Heath’s truck was found outside the House of Night.”
WAIT OH MY GOD WHAT IF ZOEY’S DREAM WASN’T JUST A DREAM BUT ACTUALLY HAD A PURPOSE IN THE NARRATIVE? That’d be a new thing for this book. [Ariel says: In a world where things only happen because people have special feelings and dreams…there is only one Mary Sue that can have all of the feelings and all of the dreams.]