I Keep Getting The Creepy Student-Teacher Relationship Chapters; What The Hell: Betrayed Chapter 5

Do you want to read a second thing that I wrote today too? Some of my friends started up a new culture site called Abstract Magazine and I have a new article up there this week about Twitch Plays Pokemon and the human condition! You should read it if you like taking things a little too seriously.

As for Betrayed, maybe this week we’ll find out who gets betrayed!

Chapter 6

Just in case you get thrown off that we read two books at the same time on this blog and have trouble keeping them straight, this is the one where the narration is constantly immediately contradicting itself.

I know I was worrying the hell out of her [so] I told Stevie Rae that I was getting my period and the cramps were killing me – although not literally.

Really? Wow, Zoey, I thought for sure your period was literally killing you right now. [Ariel says: If only. Then again it seems pretty dangerous to get your period around a bunch of vampyres, so I guess maybe it could literally kill in a way.] 

The poor world is almost six thousand years old, and all this time there was not a woman died in her own person, videlicet, in a period-cause. OH GOD WHY CAN'T I MAKE REFERENCES PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY GET.
The poor world is almost six thousand years old, and all this time there was not a woman died in her own person, videlicet, in a period-cause. OH GOD WHY CAN’T I MAKE REFERENCES PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY GET.

In case you forgot since yesterday (it’s okay – it’s hard to know which of the 7000 underdeveloped subplots we’re supposed to care about), Zoey is unnerved by overhearing Neferet and Aphrodite’s talk yesterday. Fortunately, Zoey stops caring about other people’s problems relaxes a bit during her favorite class, Equestrian Studies, lest we forget that learning about horses is an actual part of the vampyre core curriculum. Her Equestrian Studies teacher, who had perhaps three lines of dialogue in the first book, notices Zoey seems like something is troubling her and reassures her that she can talk to her about anything.

“Neferet is your mentor […] but sometimes High Priestesses can be difficult to talk with. I want you to know that you can come to me – about anything.”

Thank you for your sudden support that came out of nowhere, minor character! [Ariel says: At least this teacher wasn’t hitting on Zoey. We can at least be grateful for that.] I guess that’s another tally for subtle foreshadowing that Neferet is totes evil! While this scene looks weird to the reader for those two reasons, it is somehow even weirder to Zoey.

Sure, we liked the other vamps, but if a kid had a problem she couldn’t solve on her own, the kid took that problem to his or her mentor. Always.

Always? Haven’t you been at this school for a month, Zoey? [Ariel says: When have we seen any other vamypre go to their mentor for anything? Who is Damien’s mentor? What is their sexual orientation? We’re not getting answers to any important questions.]

Speaking of things Zoey has witnessed in the past month that she has assigned questionable importance to, Zoey talks about the zombie ghosts!

I will always use this joke to discuss this subplot. It won't get old because it's not like the Casts are ever going to bring it up regularly.
I will always use this joke to discuss this subplot. It won’t get old because it’s not like the Casts are ever going to bring it up regularly.

In case you’ve forgotten what this is – which is totally understandable because the Casts certainly write like they keep forgetting about it too – in Marked, there were two instances where a fellow vampyre student died, but then Zoey saw them walking around at night as pale, undead versions of themselves with superhuman strength. Zoey helpfully reminds the reader about this right now. Strangely, this subplot was 100% left hanging because Zoey ignored it to go to a party. Zoey does not remind the reader about this for some reason.

I hadn’t mentioned [these] sighting[s] to anyone. Not my best friend and roommate Stevie Rae, not my mentor and High Priestess Neferet, not my totally delicious new boyfriend, Erik. [Ariel says: Despite the fact that Erik hasn’t been present in this book. Zoey has gone from calling him her almost-boyfriend to boyfriend out of nowhere. Is this meant to be what’s going to potentially stand between her and the Vampyre Laureate and not, you know, the fact that he is a teacher?] 

Zoey does bring up a reasonable point while dwelling on this, because she is new to the vampyre world and doesn’t want to tell people about something they might not believe, regardless of how delicious they might be. But then all of Zoey’s credibility is gone forever when our favorite poet laureate (the vampyre one) suddenly appears from behind a tree. Apparently appearing from behind plants is a proud vampyre tradition.

[I] shrugged nonchalantly, and joined him under the tree. “Hi,” I said, trying to sound grown.

Good fucking luck, poopie-brains. [Ariel says: Trying to sound grown. Oh my god I cannot stop laughing. Also NEVER JOIN THEM UNDER A TREE, ZOEY!]

He laughed again and I tried hard not to let his overwhelming hotness make me giggle hysterically like a pre-teen at a boy band concert. I was, for the moment, actually flirting with him! Remain calm.

Guess how many times Erik Night, the man Zoey referred to as her “totally delicious new boyfriend” a few pages ago, is mentioned during this scene?

Loren says he’s writing haiku. Zoey leaves, but he grabs her wrist and asks her to stay because “I find inspiration in more things than being out here alone […] Speaking of inspiration – you could help me out.” Loren asks to see Zoey’s mark on her shoulder, which prompts a scene where Zoey takes off her jacket and pulls down the shoulder of her tank top, revealing just her shoulder and bra strap. It’s the sort of thing that only 13 year olds would find sexy and would therefore make this hilarious, except this is also a scene between a teenager and a teacher, so it’s also really creepy. Those are incredibly conflicting reactions! It turns out that the combination of the two of them is just nausea and looking behind you to make sure nobody on the subway is reading over your shoulder.

Loren traces the Mark on Zoey’s shoulder while whispering how incredible it is- Oh God, I have to stop again. I’m sorry. Let’s talk about something else. So How I Met Your Mother ends next week. What are peoples’ thoughts on that?

“Cream and silk as one
How I long to taste and touch
The moon watches us.”
His eyes never left mine as he recited the poem.

AGH. SO CREEPY. AHHHH. UM. As for me, personally, as much as I’ve taken issue with How I Met Your Mother‘s issues with consistency and narrative pacing over the years and am glad it’s finally ending, it built a mythology very unique in television sitcoms that successfully created a genuine emotional connection anyway, so ultimately I feel like it was a successful show!

“[The haiku] is beautiful,” I said.
“You’re beautiful,” he said. […]
I could feel myself leaning into him, and I swear his body responded.

LALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU. And while I realize these flaws were too much for a lot of people who found the show annoying and saccharine, I feel like – in a way – that was actually part of the show’s themes of looking for “the one”, because it’s perfectly natural that some people love something in a way (i.e. Robin and Barney) that other people simply don’t (i.e. Robin for Ted), and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’M NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR CREEPY CREEPINESS, HOUSE OF NIGHT. DO YOUR WORST.

I know when a guy is into me. And this guy – for that moment – was definitely into me. […] forgetting about everything, including  Erik and the fact that Loren was an adult vamp and I was a fledgling, I willed him to kiss me, willed him to touch me more.

THAT WASN’T AN ACTUAL CHALLENGE, HOUSE OF NIGHT. I AM AWARE YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING WORSE. [Ariel says: Where is this even coming from?? They met like once, and what about Erik, and what about the fact that this guy is a teacher and the VAMPYRE POET LAUREATE. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??]

I may not be highly experienced. And, hell yes, I’m still a virgin.

That has to be the only instance in all of space and time where a teenager said “I’m still a virgin” and “hell yes” in the same sentence.

We stared at each other. We were both breathing hard. Then, within the space of an instant, his eyes flickered and changed from dark and intimate to dark and distant. […]
“It was nice to see you, Zoey.” […]
I didn’t know whether I should scream in frustration, cry in embarrassment, or growl and be pissed.

Just so we’re all totally clear on this, this is the list of things Zoey is okay with:

  • Student-Teacher Relationships
  • Infidelity

And this is the list of things Zoey is so not okay with, it’s the worst thing in the world:

  • Blow jobs

Incidentally, I have the perfect How I Met Your Mother gif for this new subplot about Zoey and Loren.

himym do not touch

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29 comments

  1. Bellomy

    I could feel myself leaning into him, and I swear his body responded.

    Translation: “When I touched him his boner poked me.”

    Also, this final season of HIMYM has sucked donkey balls and perhaps, since Robin not only panicked about the wedding but had a specific plan for who, exactly she was going to run off with, then actually tried to run off on her own, marrying Barney was a shit idea that could only end in divorce.

    Seriously, if your misgivings are THAT huge and you feel like you might be in love with the best man perhaps this is a sign that the wedding should be off.

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    • 22aer22

      That whole scene in HIMYM was so cringy. Ted’s speech there about love was trying so hard to be quotable and meaningful but it fell really flat. There have been some really good moments this season, though, and I really wanna know how it ends!

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      • matthewjulius Post author

        yeah, the most recent episode was godawful. I really hope the finale is better than this season’s average

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    • Bellomy

      I CALLED IT I CALLED IT I CALLED IT I CALLED IT I CALLED IT

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  2. graceless

    You know Zoey’s equestrian teacher? She’s going to show up like one more time and then she’s going to die (trust me I read the book). She serves absolutely no purpose,kind of like the majority of things in this book

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    • matthewjulius Post author

      Reading these books is kind of like watching an amateur juggler who keeps insisting they can totally do another chainsaw

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    • Ali

      I thought the equestrian teacher was a dude, and it was his life mate that died

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      • 22aer22

        I feel like that’s the kind of thing you wouldn’t forget as the Casts always make a point of reminding you when someone is gay.

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      • Ali

        I think I’ve mixed up the minor characters, and the horse teacher does die, and her life mate is all broken up about it, and his name is dragon

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        • Guest

          The horse teacher doesn’t die. Dragon’s mate does die though.

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  3. Dana

    I don’t watch HIMYM, so I had nothing to distract myself from the utter creepiness of this chapter.

    “How I long to taste and touch.”

    That made me physically cringe.

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  4. E.H.Taylor

    Seriously, that’s the haiku he comes up with? Vampyres must suck at poetry if he is their vampyre poet laureate.

    (This is me ignoring the creepiness of the chapter)

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  5. Judy

    You guys! You are forgetting the cardinal rule in all of these books we are reading, you can get away with any terrible and or creepy behavior if you are HOT. 🙂

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  6. janelovering

    ‘You guys! You are forgetting the cardinal rule in all of these books we are reading, you can get away with any terrible and or creepy behavior if you are HOT.’

    Although this does seem to be the case in most romantic fiction.

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  7. Kristin

    I also do not watch HIMYM, so I want details on horse teacher dying. Is it because Neferet gets pissed that Zoey goes to her instead of her mentor? And, like the zombie vamps, is the death simply ignored so maybe it can be discussed in a future book?

    As for the creepy teacher, Matthew, this bothers me almost as much as the strange love scene in Vampire Academy movie between the martial arts guy and the guardian girl. The number one difference? That guy was totes ugly, not hot, so I can’t excuse it 😉

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    • graceless

      SPOILER! The People of Faith decapitate her, stick her head on a spike and then nail her to a fench (or was it a door?)

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      • Guest

        SPOILERS!!! (if anyone really cares about that lol)

        Dragon’s mate gets killed by Rephaim, one of Kalona’s sons (one of the villains that gets introduced in a later book), after Neferet summons him. The teacher that gets beheaded and pinned to the wall where Zoey meets the zombie vampire ghosts, is another teacher that Neferet also kills.

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    • matthewjulius Post author

      yeah, I tried to figure out why I’m being harder on House of Night than Vampire Academy. Probably because Vampire Academy had fewer instances of “poopie”.

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  8. Madeline

    But these are all lies: women have died from time to
    time and worms have eaten them, but not for periods
    (unless you’re a menstruating woman in a school full of vampires)

    I got that reference

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  9. Ali

    Spoiler…
    “I may not be highly experienced. And, hell yes, I’m still a virgin”-not for long!!
    Also, spoiler Damien is gay.
    as for HIMYM, I’m 99% positive the mother is dead and/or dying

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    • 22aer22

      OMG RIGHT?? I think that too, but I thought one of the actors said in an interview that it’s a happy/satisfying ending, which that would certainly not be. I hope it’s not the case because I really like her :/

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  10. graceless

    NVM I got the thing with Zoey’s teacher dying wrong, it wasn’t that one that died, it was another teacher

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  11. Molly

    Matthew, it’s not that people don’t get your references, it’s just that jokes about menstruation aren’t funny! Period.

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