Previously, while in Aspen filming her television segment, Mia caught sight of a woman who is absolutely, without a shadow of her doubt, her mother. BUT HOW?
Calendar Girl (December) Chapter 2:
Wes and Mia had to a local tavern to meet with the mysterious person who has hired Mia. Wes is familiar with the place, and Mia somehow uses this as a way to remind us she hates other women:
When he was in college, he and his frat buddies would hit the pub after a day on the slopes and pick up some snow bunnies who were waiting around for a hot, rich stud to sweep them off their Ugg-booted feet and take them back to the family cabin.
Wait. How did she even know this? Did Wes say all this in this exact way? Or is Mia just making very specific assumptions about their ‘Ugg-booted feet’ and wanting hot, rich studs to take them…back to the family cabin? Maybe these snow bunnies are wearing knock-off Uggs. Maybe they have their own cabins to go back to. You know don’t them, Mia!
Mia then gives us some in-depth analysis about the steps of the bar.
It seemed counterintuitive to me that patrons had to walk down steps to enter the establishment since it snowed rather heavily in this part of the country. It would make more sense to go up steps so that the entry didn’t get snowed in.
You know what? I came for the erotica, but I stayed for the riveting commentary on the entrance to this bar.
Somehow, we segue into Mia racistly reminiscing about the times she slept with other men to try to forget about Wes.
Hell, I spent a month enjoying Samoan cock to try to forget the sexy surfer. It didn’t work. If anything, it made me more aware of what I wanted in the long run.
I don’t know how I am consistently surprised by how bad this writing is. I mean, I’ve been here for 12 books now. But why are we talking about the steps of the bar? Why are we talking about Samoan cock again?
Wes checks his watch and wonders when the guy is coming to meet them.
In the day and age where men could look at their cell phone for the time, seeing a man wearing a wristwatch meant something.
But she never tells us what. I can only assume it means they’re a douche bag who you should absolutely not marry. (Apologies to all men with a wristwatch who are fantastic. I just hate Wes.)
The bartender recognises Wes and comes over to say hi. He looks like a lumberjack, and Mia jumps to all these weird conclusions that he must be a lumberjack and build his own desks. Mia, you literally just told me he is a bartender. That is the profession we can confirm with certainty here.
He wore a black-and-red checkered button-up left open to a plain white tee underneath. Jeans that had seen better days hung over a pair of dirty construction boots. This man was not the kind of man who sat behind a desk. No, he’d probably built the desk by hand with wood from the tree he’d cut. He was a big guy who suited the lumberjack style very well.
Yes, this imagined lifestyle Mia has created for him suits him so well. Just to spite Mia, I hope this man can’t even assemble an IKEA desk for himself let alone build one by hand.
Turns out the bartender, Alex, used to work on Wall Street…and now we have to hear his back story…or do we?
“Made a jack load of cash on Wall Street, right?”
Wes nodded and sipped his frothy dark beer. A little bit of froth stuck to his upper lip, and I stared at that bit of white fluffy goodness as if it held all the answers of the universe. Not being able to take it, I leaned forward, wiped it with my thumb, and licked it. Wes’s eyebrows rose and his eyes darkened.
“Don’t you start,” he warned, obviously seeing the desire in my eyes. I shook it off and paid attention to Alex, who had stopped talking altogether.
“Continue.” Wes nodded.
“You sure? She seems willing. I got a nice hard desk out back you can use if it gets to be too much.” He grinned.
Oh dear god. I mean, I don’t want to hear Alex’s story either, but this is so rude. But it’s also gross, and then Alex’s reply is gross. Can this mysterious guy just show up and interrupt the whole situation?
Alex says he is soooo much happier with his life now, and it’s great.
“What about a mate?” Wes asked.
At that question, Alex’s shoulders slumped, and on a man his size, it was like dropping a couple sandbags to the floor. “One day,” he said in a way that made me believe it would happen for him because he was open to it.
A mate? Who…who the fuck phrases it like that? For the briefest of seconds, I hoped Wes was saying it like the British might. Like asking Alex if he had a friend! That would have been nice. Also, I love Mia’s idiotic commentary. This person who I have spoken to for 30 seconds will find love because he said two words in a certain way. (Although, knowing this series, he is sure to find love by the end of this book. And possibly have a baby.)
Kent Banks, the man who is bankrolling this whole operation finally arrives at the bar.
Mia asks why he paid to bring her here, and, the what can loosely be called a ‘plot’, thickens:
Kent furrowed his brow “I didn’t pay one red cent to get you out here.” He scoffed and sat back folding his arms over his chest. I glanced at Wes. He looked just as confused.
“My boss’s assistant said you donated money to get me out here in person to do a segment on your wife, a local artist.”
The man shook his head. “Not true.”
But Kent does go on to say he specifically requested Mia. This is too confusing for Mia, so Wes has to intervene.
“Mr. Banks, what my fiancée and I are trying to get to the bottom of is why you asked her here. Specifically her.”
Thanks, Wes.
Kent’s explanation is…ridiculous.
“Thought it would be good exposure for my wife. Her work is really good, and you do pieces on people who create beauty. Probably because you’re so beautiful, it comes easy to you. My wife, uh, saw your show and became… excited.”
I’m not going to lie to you, I did instantly suspect the woman in question was Mia’s mother, and now I’m absolutely certain. But I do love that the way he pauses above makes it sound like his wife got super turned on when she saw Mia’s segment.
But let’s focus on the real star of that quote. “Probably because you’re so beautiful, it comes easy to you.” CAN WE JUST PAUSE TO SCREAM ABOUT HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS? I guess all the people Kent Banks deems ugly couldn’t possibly appreciate real art. What in the fuck? I mean, if that is the logic that everyone in the Calendar Girl universe is operating under, then Mia’s random ascent into fame and just being handed this show makes way more horrifying sense.
“Excited?” I asked.
“Yeah. She’s not the type of woman who is easily tamed. When she saw you on the screen, I… uh… knew I had to get you to come out.”
What does her being easily tamed have to do with being excited to see Mia? Is Mia here to Dog Whisperer the situation? I mean technically that is the summary for each book. Mia meets a new client and Mia Whisperers their life. But he could have just as easily said, “She’s not the type of woman who likes Burger King. When she saw you on the screen, I…uh…knew I had to get you to come out.”
Mia starts to suspect Shandi, the show’s assistant and Mia labelled “weird chick”, is trying to set her up and keep her away from Dr. Hoffman or the studio.
Probably wanted me off the show for a while so she could have Dr. Hoffman all to herself.
[…]
[Shandi] knew I was head over heels in love with Wes, but still made a point to separate me from the studio as much as possible.
Then there was a random mountain man and a story he spewed. It didn’t add up. None of it did.
THEN THERE WAS A RANDOM MOUNTAIN MAN. God I love this series. I can’t believe it’s the last book.
When things didn’t add up, my dad always told me… dig deeper.
What? When? Sure, I mean I guess maybe he said that. But the impression I get from Mia’s dad is that he’s always drunk or in a coma. That’s his whole character.
Kent tells Mia his wife has a gallery called 4M.
“What’s it mean? The four and the M, I mean?”
He shook his head, a somber expression coming over his face. “Not sure. She said a while ago, it represented something important she’d left behind.”
Max, Mia, Maddie, megaphones. I SOLVED IT. Plot over!
For some reason Mia is ready to call the whole thing off, but Kent pleads with her to meet his talented wife. I don’t really get why Mia thinks she is being set up by Shandi at this point, but sure!
He stood, put his hands into his pockets, and stared. Again, his eyes traced me, but it still didn’t give me the creeps. It was like when he saw someone that looked so much like someone he knew, a doppelganger.
Damn that is a specific look. Only the look a stepfather could give.
The chapter ends with Kent asking that Mia still meet his wife, and Mia and Wes decide to stay in town to film the segment. Hooray.
If you like what we do and would like to support us…
Well, we certainly wouldn’t catch Mia being swept off her feet by any hot, rich stud!
‘You do pieces on people who create beauty’
Yeah no, she did a segment on working mums eating dried toast, a celebrity interview and I think something about Thanksgiving in NYC, lets not give her the Pulitzer just yet.
On the edge of my seat waiting to find out who this mysterious artist is. With lines like ‘It was like when he saw someone that looked so much like someone he knew, a doppelganger.’ Audrey Carlan has proven herself the master of subtle foreshadowing.
*oops, it was stay at home mums and their dried toast
Ugh, women who are attracted to rich, attractive guys are THE WORST, amirite? Thankfully, our sensitive heroine can see the true beauty inside which is why all of the guys she’s had sex with throughout this series have been…[checks notes]…rich and attractive.
“Not sure. She said a while ago, it represented something important she’d left behind.”
plot twist: 4M is a dog.
“It was like when he saw someone that looked so much like someone he knew, a doppelganger.”
I HATE THIS SO MUCH. Way to just explicitly announce the plot twist (that we knew was coming anyway)!! That’s not a look someone makes! That’s not something your brain would jump to when someone makes a face!! AAAHHHHH!!!!