Previously, Maxim and Alessia longed for each other. Speaking of longing, get ready for another chapter that’s lo– hits the backspace key furiously
Previously, everyone was hopelessly horny. Maxim and Alessia experienced an amount of sexual tension impressively disproportionate to the amount of interaction they’ve had with each other, which has consisted of 1) saying maybe a dozen words, and 2) lending his employee an umbrella. Try to contain your arousal, readers. After that, Caroline tried to hook up with Maxim again, was super bummed out he didn’t want to hook up again, somehow deduced that he’s obsessed with some other girl because he’s never been like this before (by which “this” means “still not going to sleep with her”, I guess). And yet, the night ends with drunk Caroline going home with Maxim. What do you think is going to happen next?
The Mister: Chapter 6
Alessia cannot contain her excitement. She clutches the umbrella and enters his apartment. Today she’s pleased to note that the alarm doesn’t sound.
He’s here!
Obviously. Do I even need to summarize this chapter? She hasn’t even walked into the apartment yet, and you already know she’s going to see Caroline, think she’s involved with Maxim, and will be upset until she learns otherwise. All you have to do is think of the least interesting thing that can happen, and that’ll probably be it. Just like this last season of Game of Thrones.
Last night in her narrow bed, she’d dreamed of him again—malachite-green eyes, shining smile, and that expressive face—engrossed in his music as he played the piano. She’d woken breathless and full of desire. And the last time she’d seen him, he’d been kind enough to lend her his umbrella, and it had kept her dry on the way home and all day yesterday.
Ok, y’all, the bad news is this is a looooooooong chapter, but the good news is that some bananas stuff finally starts to go down, so we’re gonna have to break this down into a lil play-by-play to get through this.
1)Alessia discovers a blond woman wearing nothing but Maxim’s shirt, “a shirt Alessia had ironed for him only last week”
Alessia is devastated, figures this woman “knows him intimately”, and rushes off to the laundry room of quiet longing. The blond woman politely smiles and sips her coffee, unaware she’s not the main character of this story.
2) Alessia’s third-person POV ends, we go into a dream sequence in Maxim’s first-person POV about Alessia which makes it sound just like an Alessia third-person POV except it’s too sexy, then we go into Maxim’s first-person POV IRL
This two narrator thing is getting more confusing than it needs to be tbh.
3) Maxim wakes up to learn that Caroline met Alessia, is distressed that Alessia will get the wrong idea. Caroline is sad Maxim doesn’t want to fuck, is also on her period.
Shit! Alessia is here? […] Alessia will get the wrong idea…
Fuck. Why do I care?
Good question tbh
“You made coffee dressed like that?”
“Yes.” She frowns. “Why? Does my body offend you?” […]
“Your body would never offend anyone, Caro.” […]
“But you don’t want it,” she says
Girl, please have, like, one more chill.
“Is this because you’ve met someone?”
“Caro. Please. Let’s not go over that again. We can’t. Besides, you said you were on.”
“Surfing the crimson tide has never been an issue for you,” she scoffs.
For the most successful erotic novelist of the decade, it’s almost impressive what hoops E.L. James will jump through to not write anything about women’s bodies.
I do think Caroline is probably the most interesting (and will likely be the most underserved) character in this story, though. She has a touching bit where she talks about how she and Kit tried for a child for two years, and now Kit’s dead and she just learned she’s not pregnant after all. Girl deserves better than an E.L. James novel that reduces this struggle to this:
“You’ll always have me, but not as a diversion, Caro—as a friend and brother-in-law.”
Caroline sniffs and wipes her nose. She leans back and gazes at me with heartbreaking, watery blue eyes.
“It’s because I chose him, isn’t it?”
My heart sinks. “Let’s not go through that again.”
“Is it because you’ve found someone else? Who is she?”
I guess we all grieve in our own ways, but I can’t help but feel like Caroline is a character from a more interesting story who walked onto the wrong set and the book’s trying to make her important to the plot anyway.
4) Caroline, who I’ve decided is the real main character until the plot insists otherwise, witnesses a mad uncomfortable moment between her brother-in-law she’s horny for and his cleaner
Maxim finds Alessia and tells her that he’s taking “my sister-in-law out for breakfast”. Smooth! Caroline finds them, and Maxim introduces them. Caroline wonders why Maxim is forcing this interaction on his poor employee and tries to make the best of it.
“Alessia, lovely name. Is it Polish?” Caroline asks.
“No, missus. It is from Italy.”
“Oh, you’re Italian.”
“No, I am from Albania.” She takes a step back and begins to fiddle with a stray thread on her housecoat.
Albania?
She doesn’t want to talk about this, but I’m so curious that I press on. “You’re a long way from home. Are you studying here?”
She shakes her head and starts to pull at the thread, more evasive than ever.
Caroline, confused what they’re doing here, makes Maxim leave. Maxim probably starts writing a song about Albania, knowing absolutely nothing about Albania.
5) Alessia is relieved, but does think it’s odd that his sister-in-law is here and wearing his clothes, but figures, “meh, Americans” (even though we’re in the UK)
Alessia shrugs. She’s seen enough American TV shows to know that relationships between men and women are different in the West.
She also grins when she finds no condoms in the wastebasket. Again. This is like the worst easter egg hunt ever.
6) Caroline has immediately figured out that Maxim has a thing for Alessia
Probably because he was so fucking weird about it? Who can say.
“You’re awfully touchy about her. I think she’s terrified because she’s crazy about you.”
“What? Now you’re hallucinating. She can barely stand to be in the same room as me.” […]
She sighs. “She can’t be in the same room as you because she likes you and doesn’t want to give herself away.”
While Caroline is helpfully telling Maxim that Alessia, like, likes him likes him, Maxim has some very normal thoughts about Alessia.
What brings her to the UK? How old is she? Where does she live? Does she travel far each morning? Does she live alone?
I could follow her home.
Stalker!
Normal by E.L. James standards, I mean.
Why does this woman confound me?
Is it that she’s so mysterious?
Maxim has severely mixed up “mysterious” for “does not know yet because the only conversation they’ve ever had was ‘here, borrow my umbrella'”.
7) Maxim returns home to hear music, realizes that it’s Alessia playing his piano, and that she’s a goddamn prodigy
I’m carried away by the music, and as I listen, I realize that she wasn’t reading the music. She’s playing from memory.
Good God. She’s a fucking virtuoso.
And I remember her intense focus when she examined my score while she was dusting the piano. Clearly she was reading the music.
Shit. She plays at this standard and she was reading my composition?
Maxim is like 99% identical to Christian Grey, but that 1% is these weirdly charming moments where he’s actually vulnerable. Christian was good at everything and boring. Maxim is embarrassed that someone this talented looked at his work. I actually like this?
Don’t get your hopes up, it immediately goes strawberry-flavored batshit insane from here on out.
8) Alessia realizes she’s been caught because the doorbell rings, Maxim answers it, so he must have been home and she didn’t notice, and THIS IS WHEN THE MOMENT HAPPENS I GUESS
Alessia tries to put on her coat to leave, Maxim helps her with it and notices the name “Michal Janeczek” sewn into the collar, and wonders if she has a boyfriend. This is not the wildest leap that happens in this scene.
“I am sorry, Mister,” she says once more. “I will not do it again. I will not.” And her voice cracks.
“Alessia, for heaven’s sake. It was a pleasure to hear you play. You can play anytime.”
Even if you do have a boyfriend.
She stares at the floor, and I can’t resist. Stepping forward, I reach out and gently tilt her chin so that I can see her face.
“I mean it,” I say. “Anytime. You play so well.”
And before I can stop myself, I let my thumb trace her full bottom lip.
Oh, God. So soft.
Touching her is a mistake.
Maxim drops his hand and apologizes. Alessia runs out the door so fast she leaves her boots behind.
9) Maxim’s manager-person Oliver asks who that is, says that the staff needs to be on an official payroll because he’s the Earl now, and an E.L. James novel briefly flirts with taking on illegal immigration in 2019 as a potential subplot, so help us god
“All employees have to go through the books. Did you organize her?”
“No. Mrs. Blake did.”
“I’m sure it won’t be a problem. I just need her details. She’s from the UK, yes?”
“Well, no. She says she’s Albanian.”
“Oh. Then she may need a work permit to be here—unless she’s studying, of course.”
Oh, shit.
I know I write this blog and deserve to suffer but if I have to read E.L. James attempt to write something meaningful about the world’s terrifying shift towards ever-increasing nationalism I’m actually going to die.
10) Alessia wonders if Maxim might like her, also has like a 4-page internal conflict about going back for her boots or not
We can skip this.
11) Uh, you would think, but we also learn about her roommate’s son, Michal, who not only is not her boyfriend like Maxim worried, but gets a whole paragraph about how much he likes “the cyber world”, uses “all” of the social media, and takes “the selfies”
Her heart warms when she thinks about Michal. He is generous with his time and his computer. Alessia’s knowledge of the cyber world is limited, as her father was strict with the use of the old computer at home. But Michal is not. He is all over social media. Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Snapchat—Michal loves them all. She smiles thinking of the selfie he took yesterday of the two of them. He likes to take the selfies.
Sorry, I almost forgot about this important passage you needed to know about.
12) Oliver tells Maxim that he needs to plan a visit to his other estates because he’s the boss now and it’s important to show the staff he cares and is committed to the estates’ longevity, which he hasn’t convincingly done yet since the last time he was there he was drunk off his ass
I have no idea why this needed to also be crammed into this chapter.
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He has questions about where she lives and how she gets to work, and jumps right to the idea of following her home. Instead of just asking her, because she’s his employee. Did she not fill out an application for this job?
it’s super unclear. whoever this “mrs blake” is, she’s pulling a weird number of strings from behind the scenes.
Caroline obviously can’t be the main character in an E L James book. She’s blond!
“I think she’s terrified because she’s crazy about you.” OR she is terrified because he is likely a serial killer and he is following her everywhere in the house like a creepy
I won’t pretend I know a lot about Albania, but I’ve met a lot of people from Eastern Europe, and none of them acted as if “the West” was such a different world. Is this realistic?