Well, everybody, the moment of truth is upon us: the characters in this book finally start fucking.
In conversation with Ariel, it finally occurred to us that the title of Fifty Shades of Grey is completely arbitrary. Why fifty shades exactly? My theory is that Ana and Christian have sex fifty times. Or maybe it’s just a number that E L James thought sounded cool. I can’t decide which would be worse writing!
We last left our heroes both knowing that Christian’s a crazy BDSM dude and Ana’s a virgin.
“How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.”
This makes me think that “sex” is just some annoying person they both know that Ana’s managed to avoid having to interact with for some extended period of time whereas Christian keeps running into them, having to hear their awkward stories and bad jokes, and he’s just at his wit’s end with putting up with it.
“Come,” he murmers.
“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”
“What do you mean? What situation?”
“Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”
I was going to comment about how this seemed a little presumptive on his part, but they were just writing up a contract for a BDSM relationship, so I guess this isn’t all that strange.
He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there.
Anyway, Ana keeps alluding to her vagina in ways that pretty much ruin sex for me.
The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion.
This sentence is actually rather representative of what’s wrong with this book. Half of it is bad because it’s cliched, such as the euphemism for a vagina (“the deepest, darkest part of me”) and half of it is bad because it’s written with horrible and awkward diction. Seriously, “clench in the most delicious fashion” has got to be the least sensual diction ever used to describe the physiological changes undergone in anticipation of penetrative sexual activity, even more so than “the physiological changes undergone in anticipation of penetrative sexual activity”.
I can hardly contain the riotous feelings – or are they hormones? – that rampage through my body.
I will give you a hint, Anastasia Steele: those are the exact same thing.
He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There.
“You smell so good,” he murmurs[…] and I practically convulse.
I just did too, but probably not for the same reason.
“You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”
Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive.
To be fair, this is better than Jose’s attempt to sweet-talk Ana a few chapters ago. The bar has actually already been set lower than this.
And speaking of Christian Grey’s penis, it is the moment of truth! A hilariously large percentage of the search terms that lead people to this blog come from people searching for things like “size of Christian Grey’s penis”, and, well, Christian’s finally taking his pants off and all your burning questions are about to be revealed!
Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow… […] He kneels and pulls a condom onto his considerable length.
Honestly, I’m a little upset we don’t get an exact measurement, because that would have been so hilariously terrible.
“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex.
This is actually what is written: “the entrance of my sex”. Sometimes I don’t even need to make jokes.
“Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.
“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.
Well, that’s kind of a… dick move.
“You’re so tight. […]”
Well no shit, Dick Tracy.
OH MY GOD, I DIDN’T EVEN MEAN TO MAKE THAT ONE! I’M SO GOOD AT DICK JOKES, INTERNET!
He eases back out with excessive slowness.
Yes, because when someone is losing their virginity to you, it’s going out slowly that’s the considerate thing to do.
So, basically, they have sex twice and it’s just missionary and doggy-style, so everything’s rather vanilla so far. Naturally, they both finish at the same time. Both times.
(On a serious note, I realize that what constitutes a “sexual act” is something of a contentious area, so for the purposes of this reading, whenever I refer to “sex” I basically just mean genitals make contact. I realize that more accepted definitions of “sex” are inclusive of genital contact with hands, mouths, toys, etc., which I’m not saying is incorrect, but rather that I’ll probably just get more specific at these points rather than just saying “sex”, especially if I see the opportunity for a good joke. The main point of this blog is to be funny, but the last thing I want to do is be offensive to people who actually understand things about studying sexuality, so I feel this is an important point to establish before we get too far into this book. Back to jokes.)
When Ana wakes up, Christian is off playing a piano. Naked.
I’m mesmerized, watching his long, skilled fingers as they find and gently press the keys, thinking how those same fingers have expertly handled and caressed my body.
I hope he washed his hands first.
Having mused about the sad music Christian was playing on the piano and what previously hidden side of him this might reflect, Ana wakes up in bed next to Christian and studies how sleep eases his appearance, and then tells us she has to go to the bathroom.
I could gave at him all day, but I have needs – bathroom needs.
Also waking up is my favorite character: Ana’s subconscious! What schizophrenic fun are we in for now?
My subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.
ARE YOU CRAZY? She’s shouting at me.
Oh man, Ana’s subconscious is the one character who never disappoints. Probably because E L James is only sort of aware that what she’s writing is a separate character. I almost hope that when they make this movie, they go all Fight Club on us and actually cast another actress as her subconscious who just follows Ana everywhere she goes, popping up at strange moments to judge her or dance in a red hula skirt.
My subconscious scowls at me … Fucking – not lovemaking, she screams at me like a harpy.
How the fuck do you scowl and scream at the same time? Or maybe she goes from scowl to scream immediately? Guess that’s up to the actress playing Ana’s subconscious to decide!
So Ana starts making breakfast to try to distract herself from everything that she’s confused about and Christian shows up and they talk about sex. Or, well, Christian talks about “continu[ing] your basic training”, which made me wince more than a little bit. Also Christian has this weird thing about food.
His eyes narrow. “I would really like you to finish your breakfast.”
“What is it with you and food?” I blurt out. His brow knits.
“I told you, I have issues with wasted food. Eat,” he snaps. His eyes are dark, pained.
Holy crap. What is that all about?
Maybe I overestimated this book with my revision of the crap scale… maybe single and double craps are for awkward conversations and holy craps are strictly food-related. Either way, this food thing has come up way too many times for it to be just some weird thing now. E L James is trying her hardest to actually flesh out these characters, so apparently food plays some important role in Christian Grey’s dark mysterious past. Apparently.
And then they have sexy times in a bathtub.
Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. My mouth drops open.
“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”
Leave your best nickname for Christian Grey’s penis in the comments section! Speaking of Christian Grey’s penis, we’ve hit the first blowjob (page 136, for those interested), and Ana gives us some… interesting descriptions of his penis, and you know what? I want your opinion on this!
Don’t worry, it gets weirder.
My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.
Which is a very specific and strange way to represent one’s feelings whilst performing oral sex, but, hey, to each their own. Speaking of which, ready for some bondage?
I do as he asks, and he binds my wrists together with his tie, knotting it firmly. His eyes are bright with excitement. He tugs at the binding. It’s secure. Some boy scout he must have been to learn this knot.
So he goes down on her and then they have sex again and then they hear Christian Grey’s mother outside the door.
“Shit! It’s my mother.”
So I’m actually excited to read the next chapter.