Wow, so we took an unexpectedly long little break there! You guys have gone, what, a whole week without our smart-ass comments? Fifty Shades Freed very clearly won last week’s poll, so instead of sticking to the usual schedule, we’ll return this week with a chapter of Fifty Shades Freed. A good 75% of you will be very excited.
But wait, you might cry out in irrational fear. It’s been a whole week since we’ve gotten our Bad Books, Good Times fix! We’ve totally forgotten everything about Fifty Shades! Why are we doing this again? Well, not to worry, dear reader. We’re looking out for you, and as a review, Bad Books, Good Times is here to present the official and authoritative (Because we’re basically the authorities on Fifty Shades knowledge. No, seriously, have you seen the Fifty Shades of Grey wiki? We’re actually way more informative than that piece of shit.) list of:
Fifty Shades of Grey’s Top Five Sexiest Sex Scenes That Have Sex In Them
#5 – The First Sex Scene (Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 8)
The list of Fifty Shades’s best sex scenes would have to include the first time the romantic leads have sex, like for most people. This is where the reader has their first taste of James’s masterful language of seduction.
The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion.
“Clench in the most delicious fashion” has to be the sexiest description possible of the physiological changes undergone in anticipation of penetrative sexual activity, much like “the physiological changes undergone in anticipation of penetrative sexual activity”. James continues the seduction with an entrancing description of Ana’s first glimpse at Christian Grey’s penis.
Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow…
Christian’s sexy seduction of sexiness is on full display as well, and it’s impossible to let go from here.
“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard”
#4 – The First Blowjob Scene (Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 9)
James’s pace is relentless as she immediately follows the first sex scene with a tantalizing oral sex scene.
Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. My mouth drops open.
“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body.”
The scene continues to flesh out the novel’s best developed character: Christian Grey’s penis.
He’s my very own Christian-Grey flavored Popsicle.
Popsicles look like penises. This is sexy. Like sex.
#3 – The Ice Cream Scene (Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 4)
“But when does the kinky stuff start?” you might be asking. “The kinky sex is the best sex!” Then I bring you to the third entry on this list, when Christian Grey spices up the foreplay… with ice cream. Although ice cream isn’t spicy, James’s main character, Ana, is there to draw you into the scene’s raw sensuality.
We’re going to have fun, with food.
Christian Grey sets the mood with a clever innuendo.
Very slowly, he peels off the lid of the tub and dips the spoon in.
“Hmm . . . it’s still quite hard”
Once again, Ana conveys the sexy sexiness of the sexy sex scene. Sexily.
Holy cow. It’s cold, it’s hot, it’s tantalizing, but he doesn’t stop. He trails the ice cream further down my body, into my pubic hair, on to my clitoris.
#2 – The Scene Where Christian Grey Shaves Ana’s Pubic Hair (Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 3)
Lest you were concerned that 900 pages of erotica covered all the sex these crazy kids could possibly have, E L James keeps things sexy with endless sexy surprises – like the time Christian Grey shaves Ana’s pubic hair.
I hear the slosh of water as he dips the shaving brush in the glass of water, then the soft swirl of the brush in the mug.
“Slosh” is truly one of the sexier words in the English language.
I gasp as he runs the lathered brush over my pubic bone. It’s warm. The water in the glass must be hot. [...] with a gentleness that surprises me, he runs the razor over my sensitive flesh.
Seduction at its finest.
#1 – The Tampon Scene (Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 23)
If you only have time to read one of Fifty Shades’s sex-ceptional forrays into kinky, steamy, kinky steam, then turn the novel open to the twenty-third chapter for the steamiest of the steamiest and the sexiest of the sexiest.
His breathing is ragged, matching mine.
“When did you start your period, Anastasia?”
James draws you into the throes of sexual fury with her most visceral language and disjointed sentence structure yet!
He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! – and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all … Jeez. And then he’s inside me … ah!
And now you probably don’t feel all that bad that your sex life is so boring you have to read Fifty Shades of Grey.