Even though its release is a year away (marking my calendar for 15 Feb 2015, yo), Matt and I have been giving a lot of consideration to the scenes that we’re really really not excited to see in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey films. We’ll provide excerpts to help jog your memory because it’s been awhile since we wrote about the books.
Ten scenes from the Fifty Shades films that we’re dreading:
10. The scene where Ana and Christian meet awkward (Fifty Shades of Grey chapter 1)
Ariel Says: I’m sure the most die-hard fans of the series will think this was a meet cute (the rom com terminology for when the romantic leads meet in an adorable fashion), but this scene was really cringy. Remember all of Ana’s awkward questions including ones about Christian’s sexuality?
- “Do you feel that you have immense power?”
- “But if you work so hard, what do you do to chill out?”
- “So you want to possess things?”
- “Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”
Worst. Interview. Ever.
Matthew says: Not to mention that Christian Grey was offended by the gay question, and not just because it was absurdly inappropriate for a professional interview. While I have some faith in Hollywood dropping the book’s homophobia (note the emphasis on “some”), I have zero hope whatsoever that Hollywood will get rid of Ana tripping into the interview.
I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet and falling headfirst into the office […] I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr Grey’s office.
She’s so quirky and clumsy and not at all clichéd! THIS IS CUTE, SHEEPLE. THIS IS CUTE.
Ariel says: And it won’t at all be the last time she’s on her hands and knees, if you catch my drift. Hyuck yuck.
Matthew says: This was actually the worst foreshadowing in the history of time.
9. The Discussion of the Contract That is Endlessly Negotiated but Never Actually Used
Ariel says: This plot point took up a massive amount of time in the book, but they never actually used it. It was a joke the book was even kind of in on, which just makes me angrier that we had to waste all that time on it. At least we could have seen Ana try following the contract. Instead, it’s printed multiple times in the book and supposed to be this shocking document, but in the end it’s almost pointless. Since they can’t show us the same contract on screen multiple times, I’m guessing we’ll be subjected to endless expository dialogue about it or Ana reading it aloud for some reason.
Matthew says: On the contrary, I wonder if they will show us the contract, through like a series of extreme close-ups or a montage. Oh my god, what if it’s a montage. It’ll be like wacky 80s music and Christian and Ana having wacky kinky-fuckery-mishaps in rapid succession!
Ariel says: Montages are only used for improving oneself and reminding everyone of what’s going on. That would be an insane abuse of the art of the montage. Here, let South Park’s montage song explain it better than I can:
Matthew says: This is really epic if you listen to that song and watch that gif you put just above it at the same time.
8. The awkward title-drop we all know is coming
Matthew says: Wanna know what I’m dreading most, though? The one that they will 100% try to do, even though it’s complete nonsense at a fundamental level? When they awkwardly try to work someone saying “fifty shades of grey” into the movie.
And just because I’d like to take the opportunity to remind everyone of this again, let’s think about what the word “shade” actually means. It means it’s a degree of something. Fifty shades of grey (or any other color) would refer to different degrees of that color along a scale as they change incrementally. They’re different degrees of one color, not varieties of colors – that’s what the other colors are for. So “fifty shades of Grey” isn’t a clever motif for how there’s so many different sides of Christian Grey because he’s such an enigmatic and complicated man. It is ironically a statement on how he’s actually a very one-dimensional character – that one dimension, of course, being misogyny – and how sometimes he’s kinda misogynistic, and sometimes he’s very misogynistic.
Ariel says: I’m going to drink every time Ana says, “My poor fifty!” I hope they have a voice-over that just has her constantly thinking her go-to phrases. “Crap! Double crap! Oh my fifty! Oh my…Jeez. TRIPLE CRAP! QUADRA CRAP! Aced.” I apologize for that really nerdy League of Legends joke. It’s been a long day.
Matthew says: Wait, actually, we call dibs on the “double/triple crap Fifty Shades of Grey movie drinking game” if no one’s said that yet. I feel like we have a certain amount of authority over this.
7. The scene where Jose sexually assaults Ana, which is then pretty much immediately dismissed forever (chapter 4)
Matthew says: Remember when there was a love triangle in Fifty Shades of Grey for about thirty pages? Probably not, because it peaked in the fourth chapter when Bella’s Ana’s long-time guy-friend BFF Jacobose who has actually been in love with her this whole time makes his move! Which involves Jose physically restraining her and trying to kiss her while she’s drunk and repeatedly saying “no”. And is also somehow racist too.
“No, Jose, stop-no.” I push him, but he’s a wall of hard muscle, and I cannot shift him. His hand has slipped into my hair, and he’s holding my head in place.
“Please, Ana, cariño,” he whispers against my lips.
But don’t worry, nothing happens, because Ana throws up and Jose is totally grossed out in this wacky misadventure!
My stomach heaves, and I double over, my body no longer able to tolerate the alcohol, and I vomit spectacularly on to the ground.
“Ugh – Dios mio, Ana!” Jose jumps back in disgust.
Ariel says: I don’t understand how no one has brought this up as a legitimate form of defense against sexual assault. The answer was right in front of us all along.
Matthew says: And then the next time Jose shows up – six chapters later, because even E L James forgets Jose is a character in this book – Ana immediately forgives him:
“Can I see you? I’m sorry about Friday night. I was drunk… and you… well. Ana – please forgive me.”
“Of course. I forgive you Jose. Just don’t do it again. You know I don’t feel like that about you.”
And then it’s never mentioned again. Boy oh boy, I can’t wait for the movie version of this scene where the story’s only non-white character sexually assaults someone and that’s the only thing his character ever does!
Ariel says: I can’t wait to see how any actress could possibly pull off this reaction to sexual assault without stopping to turn to the director to be like, “No, seriously, I am not fucking saying this line. ‘I don’t feel like that about you’, is not the appropriate response to this situation.”
6. Any scene where Ana is an English Major
Matthew says: This one is more of a personal pet peeve than one of the book’s worst offenses against literature, art, and human achievement, but given that Fifty Shades is a book (shocking, I know), the offense is on English major home turf.
Our leading lady, Anastasia Steele, is an English major. This means that any actual English major-activity she does sticks out awkwardly, whether we’re getting her deep analyses of a text she’s writing a paper on:
I work on my essay on Tess of d’Urbervilles. Damn, that woman was in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong century.
Or she’s taking a final exam. Which is… uncommon. To be fair, there isn’t much of it and it’s more of a weird lapse in believability (although “believable” is a problem throughout the series), but I’m mostly just hoping Hollywood doesn’t try to get… heavy-handed with this English major thing.
Ariel says: It just makes me so mad. Ana’s vocabulary pretty much consists of three phrases and yet we’re meant to believe this? And there’s that really easy go-to answer of, “Oh yeah, I like the classics.” Oh, oh you do? Do you also like Game of Thrones, chocolate, Fight Club, sex and other things that almost every fucking person ever enjoys?
Matthew says: Everybody likes the classics. That’s why they’re the classics. It’s like writing a story where your main character is a chemistry major, but all they ever say is, “Isn’t carbon the best? Carbon’s so great! Fucking carbon, you guys! CARBON.”
5. The Introduction of “Laters, baby.” (Chapter 6, but it was so dumb even WE barely mentioned it)
Ariel says: I wonder how much energy movie!Elliot is going to have to muster to say this line. I bet that’s the only way they could cast this role.
Matthew says: Honestly, I wonder how many of this book’s semi-literate fanbase is going to be pissed that Elliot was the first to say the catchphrase and think they changed it from their beloved Christian Grey.
Ariel says: We clearly have a lot of questions that only the film and time will answer.
Matthew says: And even then, probably not.
4. The Toothbrush Sharing Scene (Chapter 4 and again in chapter 20 for some reason. Also that one time in Fifty Shades Freed because why stop being gross after one book when you could do it in another.)
I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth … I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp … I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double time. I feel so naughty.
Ariel says: I love how it equates having Christian’s toothbrush in her mouth to having his penis in her mouth and then almost immediately talks about the bristles on the toothbrush. I’ve never penis that has bristles on it, but Christian Grey is one unique guy.
Matthew says: Every dentist who sees this movie is actually going to kill themselves.
Ariel says: Furthermore, why’s she gotta tell us the bristles are damp? That’s just icky.
Matthew says: I could feel the gingivitis bacteria from in between his teeth wiggling around on my tongue. Holy crap.
3. The first sex scene (chapter 8)
Matthew says: Maybe it seems counter-intuitive, since what else would people be going to see Fifty Shades: The Movie for if not the sex scenes, but I’d like to once again take this opportunity to point out that this is all real dialogue from the sex scenes in Fifty Shades, ranging from the bland to the disconcerting.
- “You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”
- “I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.
Just so everyone remembers you’re paying money to go to a theater with other people to watch the same quality of dialogue you get when clicking on a random video on RedTube or something.
Ariel says: Just imagine watching this scene in a crowded theater. I dare you not to laugh. I also dare you to get an erection or a lady boner, because that would be equally funny to me.
Matthew says: Honestly? Half the theater would get aroused, half the theater would start laughing, and all of them would get very uncomfortable.
Ariel says: I feel like we’re writing the strangest math problem in the world.
Matthew says: If there is a theater audience where there are 5 women for every 3 men, and 34% of the audience is aroused by the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, and there are 48 boners in the audience, how many people are in the theater, and how long until the police arrive?
2. Every scene featuring Ana’s inner goddess or subconscious.
Ariel says: Seriously, how in the fuck are these scenes going to be handled without CGI? Or awkward peeks inside Ana’s mind where Dakota Johnson is wearing a feather boa or constantly reading Charles Dickens because EL James doesn’t know what else English majors read. “If English majors don’t have e-mail and can’t use the internet to do searches…I guess they probably read Dickens? Or Twilight? I hear that House of Night series is pretty fucking good too.”
Matthew says: Honestly, if they cut this – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – they’re losing a huge part of what makes the book unique! I’m still holding out hope for a Lizzie McGuire-esque cartoon Ana interrupting the action (hey oh!) from time to time while wearing half-moon glasses and doing the salsa and reading the complete works of Charles Dickens and shit.
1.The tampon scene (chapter 23)
Ariel says: Well, duh.
Matthew says: I mean, while a small part of me does hope they include this scene in the movie, that’s the selfish part of me that wants them to make the worst movie ever that will wake people up to how terrible Fifty Shades is.
He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! – and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all … Jeez. And then he’s inside me … ah!
God, I hope this movie has voice-over narration.
Ariel adds: I’ve only just noticed that it’s specified that he does it “gently.” I definitely hope that’s captured in the film because it means at some point the director had to say to Jamie Dornan, “Okay, that’s great, Jamie, but this time I need it to be gentler. We need the tampon insterter to come back on set and replace Dakota’s tampon. Yup, okay great, from the top, people! We’ll do this until the tampon removal is gentle as fuck.”
Matthew says: Speaking of “gentle as fuck”, in contrast, when he takes her virginity, he rams into her as hard as he can. This is a character who thinks, “Sweet! A virgin! Better just shove it in there real fast!”, but also thinks, “Gotta take out this tampon reeeeeal delicate-like. I wouldn’t want to hurt her!”
And one we’re really excited about.
Two words: divine orange juice. If they try to cut this scene out, I will cut someone.
What scenes are you guys dreading in being in the first movie? Did we miss any gems? Talk about it in the comments!
I cringe every time I see the word “sex”. Just say VAGINA!!
Wasn’t there a scene about hamsters? momma hamster eating baby hamsters? and anal? or I am getting 50 shades confused with Mallrats?
I feel exactly the same! I mean it’s still a crying shame that there aren’t any appealing ways to refer to a vagina, at least none that I personally find appealing. But somehow referring to it as your “sex” instead of as your vagina just makes it so much worse, especially when these books at weird adjectives beforehand. “He touched my quivering/excited/impatient/eager sex” is just the worst.
HAHA WHUT? I haven’t seen Mallrats (I know omg what is up with me), but that definitely isn’t from 50. I mean, there’s anal, but the only thing I can think involving anal and hamsters is South Park. Lemiwinks anyone?
I found it!!
“His finger circled my puckered love cave.
“Are you ready?” He mewled
smirking at me like a mother hamster
about to eat her three legged young”
I really really hope they have voice overs for that scene where Ana, her subconscious, and her inner goddess all get into a fight and she yells at her inner goddess. “who invited you to the party!” I believe was the exact line.
THAT WAS. God, I forgot about that line, but hearing it again, it’s like seeing an old friend.
I completely forgot about that! I hope this scene IS in the movie.
You know there are people who are anxiously awaiting each and every one of these fucked up scenes. I want to pity them but I really pity the rest of us more for having to put up with these crazy idiots who this this is great erotica.
The tampon scene still makes me gag.
I really can’t wait to observe the internet insanity when the movie is about to be released. I also can’t wait to see the insane boom of traffic the blog gets (and the crazy bounce rate as people find this blog only to find out we don’t actually genuinely tell you what the sexiest excerpts from the book are and instead make fun of these scenes). I’m hoping we get more angry comments from defensive Fifty Shades fans who for some reason never seem to know how to spell – those are always hilarious!
Do we know if the movie just covers Book 1 or is it all 3? (Please tell me it’s the latter so we don’t have to endure 3 of these).
I’m wondering if Anna’s subconscious will be done like Herman’s Head? (Does anyone even remember that show or am I showing my age again?)
The scene that will be cringe worthy for me will be the elevator scene(s). I just know it will be nothing but mirrors and they will try to be artsy with it (ripping off Justin Timberlake’s Mirror video or something) but instead it will be a big mess, hopefully with a peak of a cameraman inadvertently showing up, yet no one catches it during editing.
So when I first started writing this post, I thought all three were in one movie because that was the rumor, BUT EL James has confirmed there will be three separate films.
What is Herman’s Head? It sounds familiar but IDK! I know I’m currently on the internet but there is a good chance I will forget to look it up after I’m done commenting on Matt’s post for tomorrow/responding to comments. I have a terrible attention span when it comes to browsing the web.
I FORGOT TO EVEN MENTION THE ELEVATOR SCENES! See, this is why I had to ask all of you guys what we left out.
“What is Herman’s Head”?
Herman’s Head was a 1990s live-action sitcom on FOX about a magazine worker whose mind always commented on the stupid/crazy things he did. It had Hank Azaria and Yeardley Smith on it as cast members (for those who watch The Simpsons, Hank Azaria and Yeardley Smith are voice actors from that show. Azaria plays most of the male characters not played by Dan Castellaneta or Harry Shearer, like Apu the Kwik-E-Mart clerk, Comic Book Guy, Snake the criminal, Chief Wiggum, and Moe the bartender. Yeardley Smith is Lisa Simpson and that’s her only character, though she does play some unnamed extras, like the Irish housewife on “Lisa’s First Word” or the walla of kids in any playground or school scene).
I’m really glad you explained the show, because I was right about completely forgetting to look up what it was. Sounds like it might potentially be a good one to go back and watch, but my to-watch list is already impossibly long. It’s becoming a serious problem.
Nope, I think my top ones were covered (Tampon, sex, toothbrush).
I’m not sure if I’m dreading the toothbrush or the sex scene more. The thing is, in the movie, they’ll probably show Christian use the toothbrush and walk out of the room. Then Ana will pick it up, feel it up a little, and use it… I may have to look away.
Ew you’re right, they’ll probably try hard to make it reallly crystal clear that she’s using his toothbrush otherwise we could just pretend she’s using her own. I seriously don’t get the appeal. Penis does not equal toothbrush!
I’m really not sure if I think the tampon scene is going to make it into the movie, even in the NC-17 version. I read somewhere that EL James and the director are having creative differences because James wants everything to be exactly like the book. I bet this is the scene they’re fighting over.
Normally, I’m all for making the movie as close to the books as possible. In this case, I’m desperately hoping that they take a lot of creative leaps and that you hardly even know they’re related.
Matt’s word problem made me lol.
The answer is 42.
You’re welcome.
Even factoring in the awfulness of the source material, this movie actually *could* have been something amazing. When it was first announced, Bret Easton Ellis expressed an interest in writing the screenplay, and Angelina Jolie expressed an interest in directing. If anyone in the world could make me enjoy this story, I feel like it would be that duo. But instead, we’re doomed to watch a movie by people who seem to actually be taking this book seriously.
Wait seriously? I think I’m most surprised about Angelina Jolie wanting to direct – is that a thing she does? I am so not in the know.
Also, I thought something similar about Twilight. For me, a major part of why I hate these books so much is how poorly written, and often dull, the thoughts/narration of the main character is. I thought, “Hey, if Twilight can cut out pretty much all of Bella’s inner-angst and just replace it with a couple shots of her gazing sadly out a window, maybe I wouldn’t hate it so much. Sure, Edward is still creepy, and there’s no getting around how fucking stupid sparkling vampires are, but it might not make me as angry as the books.” I was dead wrong and still hated the first film (didn’t see any of the others, I admit), so I’m not holding my breath for the Fifty Shades film. Unless MAYBE it had been directed by someone awesome and the screenplay made the dialogue not horrible.
Wait, which book does Christian “sexily” tell Ana to “put the chicken in the fridge”?
OMG. I think that was the first one! I’m not absolutely positive, but I think it was! I must see this rendered on the big screen.
The answer to your word problem (rounded) is 238 total audience members. The police will be called at least five times over the next half hour.
I knew someone would bother figuring it out
Isn’t there a bit where she tries to fellate asparagus…? That could be interesting to watch as I have no idea how that could be sexy.
“Matthew says: If there is a theater audience where there are 5 women for every 3 men, and 34% of the audience is aroused by the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, and there are 48 boners in the audience, how many people are in the theater, and how long until the police arrive?”
Kind of impossible to answer that question without knowing how many of those men and women are gay :p
not necessarily. it doesn’t really matter what their sexual orientation is: they’re already aroused or not aroused.
Hmm.. 48;x = 3: 5 = x=70 women are aroused.
70+48=118=34%
100%= 347.05
There are 347 people in the audience. And a .05 droid set up to nuke the screen.
As for the cops; depends on how long it takes until their superiors call them out on watching the movie. I’d say twenty minutes.
If there is a theater audience where there are 5 women for every 3 men, and 34% of the audience is aroused by the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, and there are 48 boners in the audience, how many people are in the theater, and how long until the police arrive?
48/34 = 1.411
1.411*100 = 141.1 Males in the Audience – 48 sporting boners(given).
141.1/3 = 47.033
47.033*5 = 235.166 Females in the Audience.
235.166*.34 = 79.939 of said females sporting lady boners.
141.1+235.166 = 376.299 people are in the theater. 127.939 sporting a boner of some sort.
The rate of full-time law enforcement employees (civilian and sworn) per 1,000 inhabitants in the Nation was 3.5; the rate of sworn officers was 2.4 per 1,000 inhabitants. Odds are the police are already there.
1 in 3 men are incapable of sporting boners despite being aroused, though… T.T
I cracked up reading this list!! You guys are so hilarious! Ana’s vocabulary and grammar despite her major in English really got on my nerves in the book, and I hope they don’t dumb her down further in the movie.